Demented News: 1/9/94
  HAPPY NEW YEAR (WW) -- Whimsical Will's 1st demented news of 1994 features
items about new years resolutions
  a: Researchers found out why a large number of children are suffering from
dizzy spells; it must be caused by something that's....going around.
  b: The best way to calm your nerves when stuck in rush hour traffic is to
eat a peanut butter sandwich. Everybody knows that peanut butter goes best
with....traffic jams.  
  c: A new Carmen San Diego version has just been released; it's called "Who
Gives a #%&$! about Carmen San Diego" and it's still educational, and comes
with it's own dictionary of slang.  
  d: Scientists discovered a link between inflation and loss of hearing; 
research shows that when given the total at the checkout stand, 9 out of 10
shoppers say "What?".

  The Question of the Week: If you were certain that by having your lips
removed you could end the clubbing of baby harbour seals, would you consider
getting professional help?


Demented News: 1/16/94
  FINANCIAL (WW) -- It's getting dangerous to be using yout ATM nowadays.
Thieves have been attacking ATM users and even going so far as to builf fake
ATMs which retain cards and ID numbers.  Now they're talking about installing
ATMs in police stations.  There's better locations to hook up ATMS:
    a) In a pool hall where most people do their BANKING.
    b) In an animation studio just in case you're OVERDRAWN.
    c) In a church for your SAVINGS transactions.
    d) In a gymnastics class in case you want to check on your BALANCING.
    e) In a record store if you want to take out a CD.
    f)  and in the trees so you can make INTERBRANCH DEPOSITS.
    is it true that all the banking transactions in the deep south are
WITHDRAWLS? 
  It's time to change subjects, i'm losing INTEREST. I cannot BANK on these
sick puns anymore.


Demented News: 1/23/94
  STORYTIME (WW) -- It was another FALWELL into the HOLY YEAR when I
SWAGGART into the BAKKERy to get some GRAHAM crackers for my ORAL
consumption. GENESIS was playing on the hymnbox, and I was wearing a coat
of many colors with a matching tive and vestofyu and a pair of scandals. 
Hey, I come from a swinging kind of church, in our communion we serve
wafers and wine coolers. My offering was in ERNEST, SCHULLER you jest, jim
the BAKKER preached with the DEVIL may care attitude.  We haven't had any
since the RESURRECTION. Besides, the friar was defrocked, well I don't want
to turn this into a sermon but God only knowa why they didn't break that
bread for me.  And he told me... THEY COULDN'T RAISE THE DOUGH!
  BOOO! HISS! BOOO!

Demented News: 1/30/94
  No Dr. D Show due to earthquake

Demented News: 2/6/94
  The Beatle Rap

Demented News: 2/13/94
  Whimsical Will's Demented News, which sustained major earthquake damage
(it took him three weeks to reconstruct his studio) went like this:
  COLORADO (WW) -- Residents of Steam Boat Springs Colorado voted last year
to honor the godfather of soul (James Brown) by naming a local bridge after
him. (isn't that one of the Biblical signs of Armageddon?) It's the James
Brown Soul Center of the Universe bridge. But four months later, there's
still no dedication plaque bearing the new name.  Hometown officials say
it'd be fruitless to put one up; it would just be a souvenir wating to be
swiped. We should actually blame James Brown's dentist for the denied
signage; he's made sure there's never been any...plaque on Brown's bridge
work. (GROAN!) 


Demented News: 2/20/94
  ?

Demented News: 2/27/94
  SCIENCE (WW) -- "There's a new discovery from the Department of Time
Management. There are now officially five time zones in the United States. 
Let's see, there's Pacific, Central, Mountain, Eastern, and now...VCR time
zone, where it's always twelve o'clock. LOL 

  ANIMAL (WW) -- There's a new breakthrough in programming VCRs;  it's so
easy it's designed for dogs and cats to use.  But so far, all they can use
is...paws (PAUSE). But at least they got a leg up on the competition! 
GROAN! 


Demented News: 3/6/94
   Rerun of past show.


Demented News: 3/13/94
  ROCK MUSIC (WW) -- So we all know that listening to loud music is bad for
your ears. A new study has determined that head banging to rock music may
cause neck pain and whiplash.  Now that's a cause and relationship that he
would've never guessed.  Next up for the crack team of researchers is an
attempt to determine that gouging out your eyeballs could impair vision, or
sticking a Yahtzee dice cup in either nostril could block nasal passage. 
Obviously these rocket scientists have yet to learn that overstating the
obvious can cause embarrasment. 

  TV (WW) -- Are you sick and tired of TV commercials?  A new device is
about to hit the stores that will zap advertising from videotaped TV
programs. It's called "Commercial Break", costs about $200, and hooks up to
your VCR.  A device makes a map of where the ads are so when you play back
the tape it fast forwards through them.  All you see is 8 seconds (not the
Luke Perry movie) of blue screen (or porno either).  The irony here is that
once the spot remover goes on sale they'll be running a TV commercial for
it. And they say they're working on a device that will fast forward
through....The Demented News..hey! 

Demented News: 3/20/94
  STAR TREK (WW) -- "This whole Star Trek deal is really taking over.  Simon
& Schuster just released a series of audio cassettes on how to speak
Klingon. 
  The first two tapes "Conversational Klingon" & "Power of Klingon" feature
traditional language instruction techniques by the author of "The Klingon
Dictonary" Mark O'Krimme.  
  Klingon is the official language of...the Klingons, what else? The
Klingons are featured prominently in the TV series "Star Trek The Next
Generation". (I cannot type Klingon so I'll spare you the embarrassment.)
  Will's Aunt Mimi tries to learn it but hochs up her flem. They say it's
the fastest growing language in the universe.  
  So if you want to learn, you could play the tape in your car, while you're
doing the laundry, oh but that would be...static kling- on.  Characters from
the old TV series M*A*S*H have a tape of how to talk your way out of the
army, but that's conversational...Klinger.

  TV NEWS (WW) -- "Speaking of cross-dressers, a Scottish bank is issuing
check cashing cards of photos and it says transvestites can have too; one
showing them dressed as a man; the other, as a woman. The bank said that if
crossdressers are confident enough to go shopping dressed as a woman then
the alternate photo should save the embarrassment, and I guess that can be
a real...drag. And they ask for name and a-dress? 


Demented News: 3/27/94
  ARTS (WW) -- "From The "One Man's Art" File comes a story of a Northern
California artist who plans to stretch 10,000 bras across The Grand Canyon.
  His name in Nick Alino and he's been traveling by train across the western
U.S. asking for donations of bras at each stop. 
  His artwork is intended to be a spoof on the preoccupation of Americans
with their bodies. But, Nick Alino's been able to collect only 2000 of the
undergarments claiming bra donations are few and far between. So it'll be
going to another whistle stop for bras to try to complete his collection.
  What do you suppose Nick Alino's doing with all those over the shoulder
boulder holders in the meantime? And Nick Alino hopes that the sight of the
10000 brasierres across the Grand Canyon will all bring us closer together,
but i'm afraid all it will do is lift and separate. Cross my heart.  We'll
keep you a-BREAST of any developments here.

  TOLIET NEWS (WW) -- "Donald and Nancy Barnhardt of Williamsport Maryland
have a bathroom with an unusual feature, an erupting toilet!  
  Over the last three years, the commode in their home's been known to make a
burping sound before shooting a blast of water into the ceiling. The
Barnhardts say it's exciting and embarrassing especially when explaining
the loony latrain to visitors. 
  Town officials blame an underground ejector pump that's supposed to force
sewage uphill with air pressure.  If the air compressor fails to shut off,
the pressure's released to a nearby manhole cover and the Barnhardt's toilet.
Meanwhile, the Barnhardts have to make...DO...with their turbulent toidy.
But you can't poo poo the fact that erupting toilets are the number one and
number two causes of accidents in the home. Big Bag John.  And sometimes
when you get tanked, you get a little flushed.