Demented News: 4/3/94
  HOAX EXPOSE! (WW) -- News that shocked the world!  The lochness monster is
a hoax! 
  One of the conspirators responsible for that legendary photograph couldn't
live with his conscience anymore and came clean.
  (I Fooled You!) 
  Nope, ain't no monster, just a phony photo. 
  (Phony! Fake! False! Fraudulent!) 
  (It's Like Saying There's Not an Easter Bunny) 
  (That's another guy there ain't no of) 
  But you never fell for that nessy nonsense did you? 
  (Yeah I did!) 
  What, did your reality check bounce or something? 
  (There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there Joe?)
  You gotta learn to separate fact from fantasy.
  (We decide which is right, which is an illusion) 
  You know what was actually in that photograph? 
  (No, no I don't) 
  Just as I thought...it's only a mermaid riding a unicorn.

  CARTOON EROTICA (WW) -- OKAY, what kind of a sick and twisted world do we
live in that people can get their jollies sneaking a peek at a naked cartoon
character? 
  (I'll tell you, this whole thing just degrades me so much)
  Mischevous animators at Disney Studios reportedly sneaked in a couple
dirty drawings in the film "Who Framed Roger Rabbitt?" 
  (And then he showed me the pictures in Maroon's office, I can hardly bear
to look.  I don't believe it! I won't believe it!  I shan't believe it!)
  There's Baby Herman fondling a female passerby, some racy graffiti, and a
shot of Jessica Rabbit without her underwear. 
  (I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.)  
  The film runs at 24 frames per second, so if you wanna catch the action,
you'll need to use the freeze frame on a laser disc player or a four head
VCR. 
  (In a few seconds we'll have the picture it's sending back, so, watch the
side screens please.) 
  And if you're really desperate for a cheap thrill,...
  (you bad boys push 4 and take your punishment) 
  ...freeze frame Roger Rabbit. Meanwhile, Jessica's left Roger and has been
spotted in the Toontown clun scene with her latest boy toy, Beavis of
Beavis and Butthead fame, to which when Jessica said her famous "I'm not
bad..." line he replied "Heh heh, I'm not that way, I'm just drawn bad,
heh-heh." 


Demented News: 4/10/94 

  FOWL PARTY IN HIS PANTS (WW)--"A Baltimore man was arrested for stealing
70 homing pigeons.  
  "Police say about a third of them were discovered alive...in his pants!
They say they caught Thomas Waddell when they saw him walking strangely with
bulging pants. 
  "One police officer said "You Look Like the Michelin Tire Ad".  After
Waddel was arrested, he began shaking and pulling out the pigeons from his
pants. Police say that he pulled out 21 live pigeons and five dead ones,
and he's accused of stealing the pigeons from two other Baltimore men. He's
charged with grand theft, cruelty to animals, and a...COO ATTEMPT."

  WHITEWASHER (WW) --"I am sick and tired of hearing about this Whitewater
deal. Does anyone know or care what it's all about? What is Whitewater?"
  Dan Aykroyd:"It's a Desert Topping!"  
  Gilda Radner "It's a Floor Wax!..." 
  Aykroyd "It's a Desert Topping you cow!"  
  Chevy Chase "Relax...It's a Floor Wax AND a Desert Topping."
  "Well it has something to do with the Clinton's failed real estate
venture. The Clinton's former business partner James McDougall has dug up
some more dirt on the whole affair...literally.  He's selling actual dirt
samples from the Whitewater property in Arkansas for $19.95 per cubic
foot."
  Old Philosopher: "Now that's reasonable, isn't it?" 
  "That's dirt cheap, and apparently the soil is so rich in manure that it's
great for producing a whole lot of...hedging."


Demented News: 4/17/94
  ANIMAL (WW) -- The Demented Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals has been busy lately.
  First, they had to crack down on that new state lottery, you know, Animal
Lotto, and aside of all those household pets, rolling around in that hopper
was cruel and unusual. 
  Then it was Richard Simmons' incontinent dog and monkey rodeo that got the
axe. The Lassie lasso was taken off the toy store shelf (SEE LASSIE IN FIVE
PARTS AFTER THIS MESSAGE...)  
  Now the latest in critter cruelty involves an elastic cord attatched to
one of the premier canine superstars.  You guessed it...Benji-jumping.

  TAXUS (WW) -- Well, April 15 has come and gone and now it's time to
celebrate!  For those of you on extension or if you just wanna check your
answer, here's a crash course in demented income tax preparation.  
  Enter the number of dependents you claim on line 2 when exemptions match
deductions be sure to write in blue divide your total income by twice your
area code and multiply your street address by the time your car's been
towed if line 7's less than 4 but more than half as much against subtract
the dimples on a golf ball by the square root of 10 then add the barometric
pressure to the year that you were born and tune in next time kids to
discuss the long form. 



Demented News: 4/24/94
  SINGAPORE (WW) -- A new form of self-censorship is being introduced by the
Singapore Repretory Theater where a body British comedy is being presented.
  To avoid offending the audience, the theater will flash a red light just
before a nude walks on stage so bashful audience members can close their
eyes. then a bell will ring when the flash of flesh is over. Apparently,
nudity is quite an issue in Singapore, and the theater company didn't wanna
shock anybody, even though they say the nudity was innocent, just a couple
of bare bottoms. 
  Now they're probably red too from all flogging going on. I've always known
never to look at the sun but i guess over there you can't even look at the
moon. 

  SINGAPORE (WW) -- Still more news from Singapore. Senior bureaucrats in
Singapore began taking singing lessons after the prime minister announced he
wanted them to be socially competent overseas and be able to sing if called
on by their hosts.
  More than 300 civil servants signed for a workshop called "when asked to
sing, i can". 
  The official repretoire includes the Carpenters sing "On Top of the
World", Henry Mancini's "Moon River", and the love theme from The Poseidon
Adventure. i guess that means we've been mispronouncing the name of their
country all this time;  it should be...SINGERPOOR!   "FIRE AT
WILL!" 

  Question of the week: which could you best tolerate?  Living on nothing
but head cheese for the rest of your life, or having a picture of Rush
Limbaugh tattooed on your forehead? 



Demented News: 5/1/94
  Demented News by Whimsical Will reported on the Joel/Brinkley breakup and
a top 10 charting album of chanting (take a...CHANTS...on it)


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