Demented News: 7/3/94
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Demented News: 7/10/94
  The Demented News featured stories about the extra second at the end of
June and some mind reading action.

Demented News: 7/17/94
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Demented News: 7/24/94
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Demented News: 7/31/94
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Demented News: 8/7/94
  Demented News had an item about the Shoemaker Levy-9 crashing into Jupiter
last month. There were some bad puns about the Big Bing Theory. He didn't
planet that way. 

Demented News: 8/14/94
  Whimsical Will's demented news is dedicated to the memory of Jim Healy who
passsed away on July 22 at the age of 70 after 43 years on the southern
california airwaves. His daily radio sportscast last heard on KMPC-AM 710 in
Los Angeles was the inspiration for the Demented News. I thought the late
Dickie Goodman was his inspiration. 

  VIDEO NEWS (WW) -- The promotional campaign for the video release of the
hit movie Jurassic Park threatens to be the most penetrating ever witnessed.
Universal is spending $65,000,000 to promote this thing (What a waste of
money!) That's $1 for every year the dinosaurs have been extinct.  With ads
reaching 98% of the adult population of the us, rest assurred that you have a
safe haven here, not one of the 8-billion ads will ever reach u..."JURASSIC
PARK, AVAILABLE ON VIDEO OCTOBER 4TH" Hey! Stop That!

  GOO GOO (WW) -- When Whimsical Will was a baby, he did the news as
Whimsical Willie at 6-months old doing news about nuclear weapons heading
our way "Gaa gaa gaa gaa, PLLLL, boogie, boogie, bugoo, bugoo, PLLLL", but
that long before he used newswire copy, back then he used...CRIB NOTES!

  SPACE (WW) -- Many of you expressed concern over Popsicle Phil on Jupiter
last week to cover the comet assault. Here's how Will got Phil off Jupiter:
Open his eyes, and turn off the sound effects, walk to the door and open it,
and he's back home again!  Here Phil, have a Milky Way.  WHHHHAAAT?!?!?
Sorry. 


Demented News: 8/21/94
  SPACE (WW) -- Whimsical Will's Demented News had a story about the
asteroid circulating between Mars and Jupiter and last month one of them
was officially named Zappafrank. News from the International Astronomical
Union in Cambridge Massachusetts officially named the asteroid after the
late Frank Zappa last month. No takers for naming an asteroid
Vanilli-Milli? 

  TV (WW) -- Also, your TV theme songs could be an endangered species! 
  Ted Harbert president of ABC Entertainment and named the meanest man on TV.
He wants to eliminate theme songs on all ABC fall shows saying they're
antiquated and can cause viewers to zap around. 
  Who is he to deny our generation of TV theme songs! Turn on the TV, they
already are using cold openings before the theme songs! If our campfire kids
want to sing the theme song of "Saved By The Bell The College Years" 20
years from now, they should have every right to!  What about the comatose
Kansas lady who finally awakened when she heard the theme from "Growing
Pains"? Where would she be now? 
  TV theme songs are part of our culture and collective memory.  If he's
trying to keep viewers from zapping channels, why don't he just do away with
the commericals? Ted Harbert should be impeached and thrown into a sealed
booth where he will be forcibly piped TV Theme songs from bad shows like My
Mother The Car, The Girl With Sonething Extra, Joanie Loves Chachi, Whoops!,
and South of Sunset. He could've just leave the TV producers alone and let
them do theme songs, but NNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!  He has to interfere! This is
upsetting me! I need the depressants! I need more stuff! I need....  CHOKE...
EECK... AAHHH....  UGGHH... BLAAAKK... AAAAH... UUUUH!  Plop!

  DT: "Thank you John Belushi impressionist for sharing that with us. That
didn't happen on his demented news but it's more fun embellished this way."


Demented News: 8/28/94
  Whimsical Will's Demented News 8/28/94 had stories on The Meaning of Life
and Pogs (tm). 

Demented News: 9/4/94
  OH WHAT A YEAR DEJA VU (WW) -- "It's The Surprise of the Summer!
  "The Four Seasons are back on the pop singles chart. I know it's hard
to believe, but a special remix of the quartet's mid 70's chart topping
song called "December 1963, Oh What A Night" is climbing that charts.
  "It's from last year's CD "Four Seasons The Dance Album", sheez, what's
next? Salt-N-Pepa play Woodstock?
  "According to Fred Bronson, Billboard Magazine's pop musicologist
extradorinare, the Four Seasons have seen more than 150 seasons since their
last chart appearance in 1956. Back then, they called themselves The Four
Lovers and their debut was "You're The Apple of My Eye".  Bronson
reports the 38-year stretch between the first and most recent chart since
sets a longetivity record, breaking Paul Simon's 33-year streak, noting
that Frankie Valli and the boys had charted singles in the 1950s, 60s,
70s, 80s, and 90s.
  "This latest disco remix is courtesy of Mike Curb ans his music label.
Curb is a former Lt. Governor from California and the mastermind behind
pop wonders such as Debby Boone, and the horrific rerecording of the
Righteous Brothers "Unchained Melody" a few years ago.
  "Somebody, please, rip the batteries out of this guy's pocket rocker
before he exhumes any more pop gems; because I don't think I can live
throught the techno house party remix of "You Light Up My Life".


  HOT LINE (WW) -- "Devon and J.R. from Orange County California just called
me on the Demento Hotline, and they're big horror movie buffs and they're
producing a dedicated cable TV show named after my annual Halloween demented
news feature called "Scary Stories", and since we're examining demented
professions this week on the show, Devon and J.R. put in their vote for the
song "Coroner".
  "It reminds me of a recent published report on why so many coroners
wear bow ties.  91-year-old Mimi had the details.
  "Not only that, but coroner consensus is that while performing an
autopsy, a regular tie will fall into a corpse's thorassic cavity.  Aside
from that, coroners are always having trouble getting their luggage on
the airplane, because it seems the baggage handlers have a different
interpretation of CARRYON".



Demented News: 9/11/94
  BOYZ-2-HELL (WW) -- "The pop music charts have gone to H-E-double
hockey sticks in a handbasket!
  "Don't even get me started on the latest Boyz II Men single that
vaulted to #1 in it's third week, and will probably remain at the top of
the charts for the rest of our natural lives.
  "Last week, I told you about the Four Seasons return of the Billboard
pop singles chart setting a 38-year longetivity record between first and
most recent chart appearances.  No sooner have I reported that when the
tokens reentered the chart with their 1961 #1 recording "Lion Sleeps
Tonight", a song that owes its renewed popularity to the film The Lion
King and a fast food commercial.
  "Gosh, just think, if Simba had been caught crooning a Milli-Vanilli
tune, maybe we could have gotten a real classic back on the charts.
  "But what really gets my perverbial goat is the latest from Sir
Mix-A-Lot, he's back, or should that be Got Back?
  "Even 91-year-old Mimi remembers his breakthrough hit "Big Butts"
  "Yes, he sang the prasies of the healthy glutious maximus, but now his
latest pays homage to the mammary glands, it's called "Put 'em On The
Glass".  And the video featuring topless women is playing in an endless
rotation on some cable music channel.  So what happens when Sir
Mix-A-Lot runs out of body parts to exploit?  Heaven forbid he should rap
about a woman's personality or intellect."


  STAR TREKKIN' JR (WW) -- "Tonight's topic of dementia is Star Trek,
so I thought it might be kind of fun to take you back to my childhood
when I had a distinct honor of performing in a Star Trek TV show.
  "Back when I was Whimsical Willie, in Yesteryear, the Emmy-Award winning
episode for the animated Star Trek series from 1973.
  "In the story, Mr. Spock travels back in time to visit himself as a
child, that's young Spock played by Yours Truly."

  Will played a sample with himself voicing the young Spock with
Leonard Nimoy.





Demented News: 9/18/94
  VIRTUAL NEWS (WW) -- "Wow, this Virtual Reality (you know, the kind Paul
Reiser used to see Christy Brinkley?) business is getting too real for me.
  "With proper software and goggles, you can go just about anywhere and do
anything all in your mind. I spoke to Bill Cunkle, noted computer authority
and executive editor of Electronic Games magazine who listens to The Dr.
Demento Show in Las Vegas, and he tells me that the virtual reality
technology is widely used in Japan to sell homes, creating a perfectly
rendered 3-D representation of a house you can actually walk through
without going anywhere; I guess you call that...Virtual RealTy, all with a
pair of goggles. 
  "Just the other day, which marked perhaps a turning point in virtual
reality practical applications. In a gaming center in San Francisco, Hugh
Joe and Monica Liston got married under the influence of virtual reality.
They slipped on headsets of plastic instead of rings of gold and with the
software hooked up, the couple tied the knot, uh, cyberknot on a computer-
generated continent of Atlantis while friends and family watched a video
screen for representation of the bride and groom's head trip.
  "Liston says they wanted to get married in a place where nobody could
actually get married in real life, and the bride was beautiful too,
softwearing a polka-dot matrix spreadsheet and carrying a bouquet of daisy
wheels.
  "Virtual reality bites indeed!  As soon as the newlyweds remove their
goggles, they were confronted with the most sobering reality in all of its
3-D technicolor glory...VIRTUAL MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!"


  DRIVING DOWN THE TOILET (WW) -- "Ever wonder where old toilets go to die?
You might be driving on some of them soon.
  "Orange County California has become the latest metropolis to use crushed
used porcelan toilets in the base material in their concrete and cement
mixes for their streets and highways.
  "Each mile segment of road uses over a 30,000 bits and pieces of crushed
toilet. It's actual application is quite a science as roadworkers need to
make sure that the surface is FLUSH with existing pavement for definitely
a new COMMODE of transportation.
  "Kinda gives a new meaning to ASPHALT.  And you gotta be careful not to
STALL in a pothole on the bowlevard.  Let's put the lid down on this
subject."



Demented News: 9/25/94
  NEW YORK (WW) -- "Exciting news for New Yorkers! It's O.K. for women to
ride topless on the local subways as long as they don't smoke. 
  "Transit authority lawyers consulted with the Manhattan district attorney's
office and decided that bare-chested women on subways are OK! They should be
arrested only if they create a disruptive or dangerous situation. Officials
are quick to add they will be strictly enforcing the no-smoking /
gum-chewing / panhandling policy. 
  "Meanwhile, subway token sales are way up especially among the male
ridership and lots of all- day round trippers, but then again, guys like us
never mind getting ...... BUSTS!  No word yet as to whether or not the city
plans to change its nickname to ...... The BIG APPLES."

  ARKANSAS (WW) -- "At the second annual Mosquito Cookoff, Larry Clifford was
the winner with his recipe for mosquito cookies. The recipe calls for
crushing the live insects slightly to keep them from flying away, then
pouring a mixture of brown sugar and syrup over them before they're boiled,
the batch is then dried and cut into small chips to be added ro regular
cookie dough.
  "Those brave enough to try them said it tasted pretty good. One sampler said
"you couldn't even taste the mosquitoes". But then of course you know the
only way to make mosquitoes cookies is from ....... SCRATCH!"

  MUSIC NEWS (WW) -- "It's about time we got an update on that zany
funster Cat Stevens.
  "You know, we haven't heard from him in a few years, not since he sang
the praises of those Satanic Verses.  Well, look for a new movie on
Stevens and his Jekyll-and-Hyde personality; one minute, he's Cat Stevens
singing "Peace Train", but then whenever walks into his temple, he becomes
Yusef Islam and starts wigging out over Salmon Rushdie.
  "Maybe Jim Carrey can play Cat Stevens in the movie. Sure, then we can
call it ...... THE MOSK!
  "I guess they have to film it on MOSKING tape. You think he'd like some
MOSKuito cookies? Maybe he could sing a cover version of this MOSKerade.
Who was that MOSKed man?"