Demented News: 10/2/94
  Whimsical's News Network with his patent-pending Demented News helps build
strong bodies 12 ways!
  Funny he opens the show with a music clip of the theme of the 70s kid's
show "Villa Alegre" (Happy Village, some say Gay Village but I won't go into
this debate). 

  MUSIC NEWS (WW) -- "The Red Hot Chili Peppers ran into a roadblock trying
to get into Sesame Street. Lead singer Anthony Kiedis told a magazine it's
been a life long dream to play on Sesame Street. The guys would actually
have to put on some clothes for this gig, and he's not talking about a
strategically- placed sock either. S-O-C-K-S!  
  The CTW head says there have been converstions with the band but the
producers of SS state that their group would not be appropriate. It's been
closed- Sesame Street to all pop music artists ever since Snoop Doggy Dogg
tangled with Mr. Snuffleuffigus (sp?). 
  Meanwhile from the Double-Standard Department: Heavy-Metal maniac Ozzy
Osbourne has recorded a duet with Miss Piggy. The song "Born to Be Wild" is
on the album "Kermit Un-Pigged" due this month from Jim Henson Records. 
  Now Ozzy Osbourne is saying nanny-nanny-boo-boo to The Red Hot Chili
Peppers and has taken up residence in Mister Roger's Neighborhood. But the
hood hasn't been the same since the Oz dog's arrival. 
  Thank goodness Handyman Negri was here to save the day when Ozzy tried to
bite off Henrietta Pussycat's head.  Once again the puppets in the
neighborhood of make-believe are up in arms with arms in them. You don't even
want to know what Ozzy had in mind for King Friday the 13th. Why couldn't
this happen to a more deserving PBS kiddie show: Barney and Friends?

  WISCONSIN (WW) -- "We go from one Rogers story to another Rogers story:
Kenny Rogers was performing in Wisconsin when a woman dressed as a chicken
tried to throw a pie in his face. 
  No clucking around, the woman told police that she was an animal-rights
activist unhappy with Kenny's plans to open a roasted-chicken franchise.
Kenny wasn't hurt in the fracas because you know how painful a fracus injury
can be. Alert security agents seized the woman and wrestled her to the
ground. But the ranting and raving tirate, er, pie-rate was a mighty
powerful herrang, oh, make that lemon herrang.  I don't suppose that was a
chicken pot pie she was throwing. It'd would've make a heck of a midway
game." 
  Ask him what these puns meant, they kinda...fowled out on me.


Demented News: 10/9/94
  SOUTH KOREA (WW) -- The latest corner of the world to go pop is South
Korea. The President of Korea Yung San Kim is lifting the government's ban
on 847 songs that radio and TV stations have been prohibited from playing.
  Among the songs reinstated by the Korean Broadcast Commission are such
protest songs as Bob Dylan's "Blowin' In the Wind", and The Beatles'
"Revolution". 
  Previous governments during the cold war era imposed a ban on "unhealthy
songs that contain subversive left-wing messages". Most of the Vietnam Era
anti-war songs are suddenly OK to play along with "The First Time Ever I Saw
Your Face" with Yung Sam Kim previously categorized as a left-winger. 
  The ban still remains in effect on such songs deemed detremental to the
health and well-being of the people. Evil songs like Bob McGraff from Sesame
Street's version of "Muskrat Love", The entire Kristy and Jimmy McNichol
album, and worst offender of all in South Korea, a dangerous song which
causes people to run with scissors to go swimming right after a big meal:
it's "I Wanna Blow My Horn" by a 12-year-old Whimsical Will.

  DAMN TOO HOT COFFEE (WW) -- From the Java Jive File comes a story of an
Alberquerque NM woman whose been awarded half-a-million dollars for spilling
a cup of coffee on herself. 
  Stella Lee Beck scalded her legs, groin, and buttocks when she placed a
cup of coffee between her legs and tried to pry off its lid at a McDonald's
Drive-Up window. Initially, a jury awarded the woman $2.7 million in
punative damages for "willful, reckless, and callus behavior" on the part
of a fast food restaraunt, and I thought you had to be scalded by chinese
soup for it to be considered won-ton. 
  Lee Beck claims that the coffee was too dang hot. But what really urks me
up about this whole deal is the sue-happy society in which we live. I mean,
doesn't anybody take responsibility for his actions anymore? I think that
before Stella Lee Beck sues K-Mart for selling her slacks that weren't coffee
resistant, or sues all the arabs for inventing coffee, perhaps she better
seek some restitution from her parental units for forgetting to teach her
some COMMON CENTS.  Then again, just because it's coffee, doesn't mean you
have GROUNDS!


Demented News: 10/16/94
  HOLLYWOOD (WW) -- Not only are half the buildings there still just that,
half buildings twisted and contorted following January's devasting
earthquake, the subway system currently being installed in the bowels of
Hollywood Blvd. has turned the world famous street into a major construction
zone causing the blvd. to sink several inches in some spots. 
  Subway workers recently struck a water main flooding Tinseltown for a day,
and to add insult to injury, in the middle of the implosion, the Chamber of
Commerce is going full tilt with its Hollywood revitalization campaign.
Statues and historical plaques are going up along cracked sidewalks in front
of comdemned buildings. It's like sending the demolition derby cars out for
detailing. If you've seen the movie "Speed" then you've got a general idea
of the L.A. subway system...after the crash that is. 
  As a lifelong resident of Los Angeles, Will is deeply saddened to think
that tourists traveled thousands of miles to visit a crime-infested cess pool
like Hollywood.  We're better off remembering Hollywood as it was in its
heyday, and perhaps by the turn of the century, Tinseltown will once again
glitter. In the meantime, Will is looking around for better living
conditions; he's got his eye on a quaint little walk-in shipping crate in
Tijuana.

  HOLLYWOOD (WW) -- Hollywood may be a disaster area, but the movie studios
continue to film around town. 
  Just the other day along the Ventura Freeway, the Brady Bunch Movie was
being filmed. This particular scene involved freeway condition message boards
propped to display such warnings as "Gangwar Riot Ahead", "Entering
Earthquake Zone", "Firestorm, One Mile", and "Floodwaters Rising", cuz
they're the four seasons in Southern California.
  Even though the message boards were clearly visible to passing motorists,
no one reacted at all to the warnings. That was until the people found out it
was the Brady Bunch Movie that terror and panic ensued! Yes it's just another
one of those...freeway shootings.


Demented News: 10/23/94
  It's The Demented News by Whimsical Will and it's about his Halloween
story encore originally aired in 1991.
  STORYTIME (WW) -- It's Halloween again, time to hunt pumpkin for carving.
Let's go together and pay a visit to the pumpkin patch. I hope I didn't
wake you, it is rather late. 
  It was on a night very much like this when I met my destiny among the
pumpkins: a night with no promise of a new day. There they were, thousands
of pumpkins all aglow like a crowd of shiny happy people. Then I heard a
sound. But could it be? It looked like .... I knew who that was ... it was
Linus Van Pelt! uh, middle-aged Linus. Linus was still waiting for The Great
Pumpkin (who D.T. believes is Kelly Bundy) and was obsessed. Linus has been
sitting there a long time. He expects the Great Pumpkin to appear right
here, right now. Linus thinks Whimsical Will is The Great Pumpkin. No he's
not! Look closer, Linus, look! 
  All Linus could say is that his head was just right for carving. He chased
me around the pumpkin patch. He began to choke me with his security blanket
and as he pulled out his carving knife he said it would only hurt a bit. He
told me and began to carve. He worked quickly, and as he carried me home, we
were buzzed by the WWI flying ace, Snoopy! 
  When we arrived at Lunus' house, I heard a scream. It was his sister Lucy.
You must forgive me, Lucy, I've just been carved. As she apologized for
screaming and took it back. I was carried out to the Van Pelt porch where I'm
sitting tonight. And well, you might think I'm out of my gord, but, everybody
plays the fool, and hey, it's a living, even though I am ....  WORKING FOR
PEANUTS! 

  Now for his KSCA L.A. only Demented News...
  Our chimichangas are bursting with scary stuff!
  HORROR (WW) -- Here's a scary stuffer so horrific that it just can't wait
until next week. 
    a: Scary stuff on cable TV! What was that Zeppelin Un-ledded thing
anyway? Robert Plant and Jimmy Page over the hill and far away looking like
Gene Wilder and Edward Scissorhands senior on Rogaine running aroung like
midlife crisis rebel hippies without a clue, and they didn't even play
Stairway to Heaven. Was that Zeppelin Un-Ledded or is it just plain out of
gas? 
    b: A big demented thank you to Steve Harvey a reporter for The Los
Angeles Times. He talked about The Demented News in his Only-In-L.A. column
last week comparing (his) work to that of the late great sportscaster Jim
Healy. That was way too generous a compliment but (he'll) take it. 
       And Harvey is something of a demented news reporter himself telling
us about a scary cult you might want to join for Halloween, The Partridge
Family Temple! The L.A.-based group worships the old TV show for it's
"Pearls of Wisdom". What is this, the gospel according to Mr. Kinkaid?
Wonder what they'd say about David Cassidy's scandulous book about life as a
Partridge? Sorry, I can't discuss it. Judge Ito hasn't read the book yet.
But do you know what would've been really cool if it had been the Partridge
Family bust in the movie Speed? SCREECH, CRASH! Caution: Suicidal Mother
Driving! 
  TIPS (WW) -- As a demented public service, a lession in Halloween
trick-or-treating etiquette. Now if you're going to be home for Halloween,
be sure you have the healthier treats to hand out, and if you'd be making
the rounds, check your goody bag carefully for anything suspicious.
(Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of Dum-Dum shells. Nothing
suspicious) Let's go to Dr. Demento's house. It's only how you present
yourself at the door. Hey, the Dr. doesn't seem to be home! Oh how silly of
me, he's doing his radio show right now! He's got that big bag of sugar-
coated sugar lumps in there too. I know how to get in, come through the
window. Hope I don't set off the alarm. Oops! His house alarm sounds like
the Whooo-Whooo-Whooo sound he does on the radio!  Follow me, I know where
he keeps his candy, up on the top shelf behind his collection of rare 78s,
it's just ... up a little bit .... to the right .... oh no, I'm
fallllliinggg.... CRASH! 

  End demented news. As some of you know, Whimsical Will works at the
Haunted Mansion at Disneyland whose TV show premiered 40 years ago on Oct
27th! 



Demented News: 10/30/94
  HORROR (WW) -- And now it's Whimsical Will's most requested annual
feature: Scary Stories for 1994 on the USA amd LA editions. Stories so
terryfying you may need to cough up a hairball. (He said that, not me)
  Scary stuff on the O.J. trial: although the prosecution will not be
seeking the death penalty for O.J., they will be requesting it for Robert
Shapiro. 
  Scary stuff on sports radio: a report that could've triggered the baseball
strike: 
  Sports announcer: "... and the (L.A.) Dodgers still lead the
(Houston) A#@holes by 2 1/2 games in ..." (Apologies go out to the Houston
Astros fans for that blooper) 
  Scary stuff on the phonograph: Wildman Fischer sings "Handyman"
  Scary stuff from nursery school: The training-pants record!
  Scary stuff from the archives: a 12-year-old Whimsical Willie gives a
movie review.
  More scary stuff on sports radio: could this have triggered the hockey
hookey? 
  Sports announcer: "... and finally The Anaheim Mighty D@cks ... er ..
Mighty DU-cks get their first win they built a four-goal lead..."
  More archival scary stuff: A 1982 Dr. Demento and Whimsical Will tell
Halloween jokes:
  Dr. D: "Whimsical Will, what do ghosts chew?"
  W.W: "Well they chew BOO-ble gum"
  Dr. D: "When do ghosts have the most fun?"
  W.W.: "When they're very high spirited"
  Dr. D: "and what would you do if you open the door and you saw
Frankenstein and Dracula"
  W.W.: "Well I would hope it was Halloween!" 
  Scary stuff from the neighborhood of nake believe: Mister Rogers tells his
most frightening story:
  Mister Rogers: "A four-year old friend of mine told me something that
scared him the other day; he said that his mother was washing his soft toy
dog in the automatic washer, and the toy dog's ear came off. 
  "Well that was scary to think about, wasn't it?"
  And the scariest stuff of all: scary stuff now playing in a theater near
you: "Natural Born Diller"!
  Bye Bye, signed, Whimsical Will


Demented News: 11/6/94
  FOOD FOR THOUGHT (WW) -- "Well, fast food prices may be going down here in
the U.S., but in other parts of the world, people are taking out second
mortgages just to but Happy Meals.
  The Union Bank of Switzerland recently conducted a study comparing wages
worldwide. The results reveal a typical Nigerian must work more than 11 hours
to earn enough money to buy a double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a large
orange drink. No, actually it's for just a burger and fries. This is compared
to just 14 minutes for Chicago office workers, and considering that the
majority of Americans are overweight, we might as well be eating a hamburger
every 14 minutes. 
  So perhaps, Nigerians are better disciplined to maintain a more girlish
figure out of necessity. And while it may take Nigerians 11 hours work to
afford a burger and fries, it takes Americans 11 hours just to work it off.
 
  GEOGRAPHY (WW) -- "Exciting news from the Institute of Scientic
Investigations of the Perubian Amazon. A research team has just returned
from a river measuring assignment where they discovered the longest river
in the world is The Amazon.
  Exciting indeed because this contradicts most textbooks. Well actually it's
true backed by the latest Guiness Book of World Records.  The Amazon's the
longest at 4131 miles. And to think we've been in... De Nile (denial) ...all
this time. UGH, Lousy pun! 

  SOCIAL (WW) -- "More statistics for you: according to a recent survey,
SURVEY SAYS..., the young americans believe they have a better chance of
seeing a UFO than a Social Security check when they retire. By some
estimates, the Social Security program is expected to go belly up by the
year 2007.
  So Senior Citizens of today enjoy it while you can. The survey conducted
by The Third Millenium Society show that while 46% of 18-34 year olds
believe in UFOs, only 28% believe that Social Security will be available
when they retire. 
  I'm not sure about the probability of UFOs vs. Social Security but on the
3rd of the month, I sure see a lot of aliens cashing their checks. What am I
laughing at? I'm going to die homeless and penniless and friendless and ...
only my fleas will mourn me" 


Demented News: 11/13/94
  Wake up your legs, wake up your thighs, and try The Demented News for
size.
  POPULATION (WW) -- According to a new study conducted by World Bank, the
number of elderly people in the world's population will triple by the year
2030, and now there's much concern over pension systems and their need for
reorganization. 
  In 1990, almost half a billion people or 9% of the world's population are
older than 60. By 2030, that number is expected to reach 1.4 billion. 
  TV Networks are already working on new shows for this burgeoning
demographic. A new soap opera "The Old and the Tired". On the music scene,
that's all we need is for those classic rockers to stick around for another
millenium. I can just hear an interview with Mick Jagger and the boys on a
future tour. No wait a minute, I said future tour.

  COURTROOM (WW) -- A woman who says she has 10 personalities has accused a
bus driver of sexual assault, but two of her personalities say she consented
to sexual activity. 
  Joseph Howard, 47, has been indicted in Cincinnatti on a sexual battery
charge. And if convicted of battery they throw you in a ......  DURA-CELL.
  Howard says he never touched the 22 year old woman. A lawyer for the
defense has asked for an independent psychologist to examine the woman to
determine if she's capable of telling the truth. 
  Meanwhile, one of the woman's more flamboyant personalities is calling
everyone else a liar, and the defense also wants to question all 10 of her
personalities in a deposition. 
  You know, I think the bus driver is missing an effective counterattack in
his defense: he needs to turn around and slap this woman with a ......
SYBILL suit.

  MUSIC (WW) -- And how about a hand for our own Musical Mike who continues
to take his hand music to the big time. He's lent a hand in most of Weird
Al Yankovic's biggest hits including the latest "Headline News", and
acknowledges Handyman John Toomey's appearance on The Tonight Show Starring
Johnny Carson some 25 years ago as his inspiration. John played "Stars and
Stripes Forever" on his hands, but many of you might not realize that
Musical Mike's big break came in the movie "Star Wars", surely you remember
his ...... HANDS SOLO (Hans Solo)? Oh sorry, I'm getting out of HAND here. 
Time to HAND things back over. 

Demented News: 11/20/94
  Editor's Note: The views reflected by Whimsical Will does not necessarily
reflect the views of the editor of this report, the information service you
see it on, The National Football League, or its sponsors. 
  
  TOBACCO (WW) -- "The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company which tried and failed
to market a smokeless cigarette in the late 1980s and has announced plans
for a sweeter smelling cigarette. 
  "This month, the company will introduce a new version of its Salem menthol
brand featuring cigarette paper that reduces stale odors. The company is
addressing the concern that "perhaps some people don't like the smell of
cigarettes in their clothing, car, and hair." 
  "Well I won't elaborate on the process; the sweeter smelling smoother
tasting paper uses a common food additive. As a devout non-smoker, all I can
say is how dare they! 
  "If these smokers wanna choke to death on their poisonous pacifiers,
that's their business, but when they belch forth their noxious exhaust fumes
into my no-fly zone, it's time for a counter attack, I'm not going to sit
back and breathe in all that second-hand smoke. 
  "With Strawberry Fields Forever, I won't have any old factory alert either
duck and cover or fight for my right to breathe. But you know what, nobody
gives a firm handshake anymore about anybody else. We're all gonna die a
slow and painful death, but I can only hope that those nicotine junkies with
their zig-zags of tutti-frutti will be proud to die with a sweeter-smelling
BUTT than the rest of us."

  HOLLYWOOD (WW) -- "So Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David
Geffen have joined forces to create a new production company. 
  Now if these guys can put their egos aside, they'll be hit with the harsh
realities of callaborative filmmaking. A sound bug picked up the three heads
acting like stooges. We'll I think this whole merger is one big snow job,
what else would you expect from three of Hollywood's biggest ......  MOGULS!


Demented News: 11/27/94 
  AUSTRALIA (WW) -- "If you're doing your holiday shopping in Australia, you
better get naked! 
  "A Melbourne music store recently advertised free CDs and lunch to
customers who showed up wearing only what they were born with, and you
thought having to sing in public for a dollar up was humiliating.
  "Temperatures in the 90s down under made a crowd of about 50 turned up in
a nude mood. I'll bet it was hard to tell the customer from the
merchandise, they were both ... CD. 
  "You know, sociologists are baffled by this exhibitionism. I tend to think
that the deisre to run around naked is ... conGenital. (UGH, lousy pun!)
  "And the Aussie record store claims to have sold mainly ... Organ music to
the music patrons. 
  "There was quite a run on CDs by Huey Lewis and the ... Nudes!"

  RECORDS (WW) -- "If you ever set foot in (Will's) house, you know (he's) a
vinyl junkie..."
  Wildman Fischer: "Where are the records? They're over there, they're all
over the place!"
  "... and must say (he) is encouraged by the modern day renaissance of the
configuration in the marketplace. Of course, you got to know where to shop
for vinyl records, and if you go to "Music Minus" (Music Plus) or "Sam
Doody" (Sam Goody) all you'll find are cassette singles of Dr. Dre and his
disciphiles. (D.T. found a CD about a large (part) man at Tower Wreckers
and the Where Outhouse), but if you look around, you'll find two-thirds of
the Top 40 on 45s and many of the biggest albums on LPs. Of course, the new
generation suckled on CDs doesn't know an LP from a frisbee.
  "Now I'll inform you by singing the praises of the phonograph record and
its warmer sound and superior packaging, But I do want to tell you about a
new scientific breakthrough from the Institute of Recording Technology.
  "It's a laser player that can read between the scratches and play your old
LPs like new! (D.T. wonders if this is real) It's kinda like a CD player
except this revolutionary machine uses five lasers. It scans the record's
original grooves with no physical contact to pick up the scratches.
  "It's not available in stores yet, each player has to be custom made.
Right now they're priced around $21,000! But just think, all your threashed
LPs sounding like virgin vinyl once again! Will tries one of the players out
on his LP of Jimmy and Kristy McNichol but to disasterous results: somebody
sneezed on it!"


Demented News: 12/4/94 
  none. Frank Zappa's show is rerun

Demented News: 12/11/94 
   Holiday Greetings to all you Santa Claustrophobics everywhere! It's WW
with his Demented News!
   XMAS (WW) -- "When was the last time you saw Xmas carolers? 
   "A caroler is indeed a dying breed in the 90s thanks to the lousy
reception we've been giving. This year, a group of old-school irate carolers
have taken to the streets to seek revenge launching mistletoes and planting
tannenbaums, but local enforcement officials aren't too concerned about the
riotists carolers. You see this often happens early in the holiday season.
It's what sociologists are calling ...... pre-minstrol syndrome."
   Also, Will's misadventures in a shopping mall was pretty amusing. 


Demented News: 12/18/94
  Whimscal Will visits Santa's Workshop and got an interview with him Dickie
Goodman style.



Demented News: 12/25/94
  "Xmas Cutup", by Whimsical Will from 1985



Demented News: 1/1/95