Demented News: 1/1/95
  Whimsical Will noted some of the songs that didn't make the Funny 25 of
1994.
  Wildman Fisher singing "Handyman"
  An 11-year-old Whimsical Will singing "I Wanna Blow My Horn"
  91-year-old Mimi singing her favorite Madonna song, "Justify My Love".
  Henry Winkler joining Neil Diamond on stage and singing like The Fonz.
  Faye Dunaway's audition tape didn't make the cut either.
  Exercise guru Jack LaLanne's record "Help for your Hips, Thighs and
Buttocks".
  Dr. Demento singing "We're Getting DeeeEeeeEeeeEeeeEeeeMented!"



Demented News: 1/8/95
  NEW YEARS UNRESOLVED LUTIONS (WW) -- "You know, it's never too late or
too early to start thinking about your New Year's Resolutions.
  "How about starting with something simple for 1995, like,..."
  Shel Silverstein: "Take The Garbage Out."
  Nervous Norvous: "Never ever ever gonna speed again."
  "Of course, at the top of everyone's lists is the desire to become
rich and famous, but if showbiz is poison, I got news for you, witness
the horrific transformation of 91-year-old Mimi from demeneted news groupie
to recording studio dominatrix.
  Aunt Mimi: "I had it with you Popsicle Phil! Come here, you!"
  "I thought she had what it takes to a record a 1995 version of Religion
And Politics by Scott Beach...until she got to the part about the
argumentium and harmonium.
  "And to add to that ad nauseum, tune in next time when Mimi records
Jabberwocky."


  EXPLORING (WW) -- Let's get an update on those expeditions of the
Marcel-Marceau flatlands. The exploration team led by Shields and Yarnell
has made its way deep into the panto-minds where they're escavating for
invisible brick walls to lean against. 
  BUT WAIT! This just in... It appears that those pantominders deep inside
the shaft are being pelted with bowling pins and torches! Yes, it appears
they've reached the ... juggler-vein. (GROAN)
  Executioning General: "FIRE AT WILL!!!"
  Aunt Mimi: "I had it with you Popsicle Phil!" 
  I guess Will should mime his own business next time.


Demented News: 1/15/95
  ARKANSAS (WW) -- "This is one of those news stories you just can't make
up.
  "Three inmates in a Conway Arkansas prison used the wheelbarrel playing
piece out of a Monopoly set to break out of jail.
  "According to deputy sheriff Jim Wooley, the men used the wheelbarrel to
remove tamper-resistant screws on air-duct coverings at the Faulkner County
jail.  Well, it's true.  The inmates then lowered themselves three stories
to the ground using tied-up bed sheets.  I guess the rope from Clue wasn't
in their toy box. 
  "A prison break using a Monopoly playing piece, huh!  Now, say the punch
line with me...
  "I guess they must have lost their 'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card!"

   
  ELVIS (WW) -- "The Flying El-vii is suing The Flying Elvises for the right
to go out in Elvis costumes and dive out of airplanes. 
  "Flying El-vii manager Richard Feeney claims he was marketing the concept
long before The Flying Elvises formed, but The Flying Elvises say they have
an exclusive agreement with The Presley Estate and that credit should go to
the 1992 movie "Honeymoon in Vegas" which features sky-diving Elvises, or
Elvii, or whatever.
  "I tell you, I'm crazy from all this. Our children are doing drugs in the
street, nobody can find a steady job, the Earth is gonna crash into the sun,
and we're preoccupied with Flying Elvii. Where's my wheelbarrel? Let me out
of here, I can't take it anymore! I gotta get out my Kristy and Jimmy
McNichol album and relax...
  "Kristy & Jimmy McNichol singing: "We don't care what people say, rock and
roll is here to stay..."
  "Ahhhh, that's better."

   
  CLASSICAL (WW) -- "Speaking of music and its charms, a report earlier
this year hearled a university study claiming that listening to Mozart may
temporarily elevate the listener's I.Q.
  "Now comes disturbing word that an earful Obvobner can be fatal. The
Copennaugen Zoo reports that a six-year-old ocopy collapsed and died
shortly after members of the royal theater began singing selections from
Obvobner opera in a nearby park.
  "A zoo spokesman attributed the animals' demise to opera-related stress.
  "You know about opera-related stress, don't you? And one of the leading
symptoms is ... "Die R Rhea".  It's a form of "Classical gas"! I don't get
it. 



Demented News: 1/22/95
  A rerun from 3/20/94. See the 1994 Will reports for details.
 


Demented News: 1/29/95
  Whimsical Will's Demented News was Born To De Demented!

  ORANGE COUNTY (WW) -- And so the big financial story well into 1995 is the
bankruptcy of Orange County, California.
  Yes, the largest U.S. metropolitianopolous in history to go broke. The
county lost two billion dollars in an investment pool.
  We caught up with the Orange County treasurer on the street the other day
and he said "Brother, can you spare a dime?".
  Well, residents have to tighten their collective belts, and the county is
trying to sell off its properties.  First on the list is the local John
Wayne Airport; but a proposal to chop off half the runway space to curtail
operating costs would of course necessitate a name change to John Wayne
Bobbit Airport!


  POPE NEWS (WW) -- Guess who's burning up the pop album charts?  It's The
Pope! It's true.
  A CD called "Rosary With The Pope" is a top new entry on Billboard
Magazine's heat-seeker album chart joining the likes of Adam Sandler and
Dead-Eye Dick for a real chart Pope-pourri! (UGH, Lousy pun!) 
  But then again the pope has a history of pop, uh, pope music as the third
Beatle; sure, Pope John Paul, George and Ringo. (GROAN!) (Fire at Will!)


  BEATLES (WW) -- The new CD package "Beatles Live at the BBC" spawns a
monster! 
  Now Lowercase Records is releasing an intimate collection of fab four
songs called "Beatles Live in their BVDs"! A pair of engineers at Lowercase
Records had a little problem with the tracks; they pushed the wrong button
and accidentally erased the drum tracks on three classic Beatle songs. 
  The way the story goes, Lowercase Records called Ringo Starr into the
studio to get him to duplicate the drum tracks. According to rumors, Ringo
was really upset with the whole situation and he charged Lowercase Records
with a recording session of $100-per-beat which the record company willingly
paid after erasing those classic drum tracks, they expected there to be some
...  repercussion.


  WILL NEWS (WW) -- Speaking of new CDs, Whimsical Will had one of the
greatest honors of his career and it was a total surprise.  The new box set
retrospective from one of his favorites Carole King includes his name
mentioned in the accompanying booklet. You trivia buffs, check it out, it's
on page 24.

  NOTE (DD) -- Watch for Whimsical Will at Disneyland where he will be one
of the operators of the new ride "Indiana Jones" when it opens this spring.
Go see him there! 


Demented News: 2/5/95
   Washington (WW) -- "From The Congress As The Opposite Of Progress File it
appears that not even Socks the Cat is exempt from the GOP White House
cleaning. Indiana Republican Representative Dan Burton cornered President
Bill Clinton demanding to know why taxpayer money goes to answer the first
cat's mail? This Burton dude is forced to be reckoned with. I mean, c'mon,
we've got a deficit in the trillions and the government is still spending
six figures measuring the running speed of ketchup and the number of licks
it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop! This yahoo is pinching
pennies over a dumb animal, uh, sorry Socks. Hey Rep Dan Burton, what about
the taxpayer dollars spent answering thousands of letters for the Bush's
dog Millie? Something stinks in the White House and it's not just Socks's
litter box! If this so-called representative persists with his catty
caterwalling over his self-made catastrophe, we'll I tell you, we'll have
to lock him in the catacombs until he's catatonic! And that means no Rush
Limbaugh! Cuz if Socks needs to answer his fan mail, faxes, and telegrams,
this is one taxpayer whose more than happy to pick up the tabby!
   "The question people ask me most often is what is the most demented story
I ever covered? It would have to be a story from November 1989 about those
mysterious crop field rings in the English farmlands. I talked about it in
a recent issue of The Demento Society News.
   To relive the story: 
   London (WW) November 1989-- "Scientists in London, England baffled by
those mysterious cropfield rings perfectly neat swirls of flatten crops up
to 100-feet in diameter showed up in the English farmlands each year and
have intrugued researchers for a decade. There have been some theories,
electrically-charged spinning balls of air, helicopters spying upside down,
or my favorite theory: Herds of demented hedghogs rotating in unison with
40,000 running hedghogs running at the same time. (Will laughes through his
theory and retakes it several times.)
   "Hey, maybe that's how Sonic the Hedgehog got his start."

 
Demented News: 2/12/95
  1:"You know, life can be a real bear, downright grizzly, especially if
you're a bear. 
    "Veteranarians of the Calgary Zoo announce that they prescribe prozac
for a chronically-depressed polar bear and has taken to neurotically pacing
back and forth in her cage. The bear named Snowball was treated with the
mood-altering drug earlier this winter which has resulted in a dramatic
reduction in her pacing. 
    "The zoo is also using what it terms Environmental Enrichment to help
the animal cope with her problem. Snowball is fed fishsicles, fish frozen
in a box of ice, so she has to work for her food as her species must do in
the wild. Now I am glad Snowball is feeling better. 
    "I'm a little leary, no pun intended, about anti-depressants spreading
throughout the wild kingdom. In fact, I can almost hear it now...
    "Smokey the Bear says: 'Only you can prevent forest fires, but then, it
doesn't matter, fire is burning. Look at all the burning colors, laugh.'

  2:"So you say you tried the tatoo thing, and you pierced your body to the
point where you look like a Water Wiggle after you take a drink. Well, here
comes the latest in masachistic fashion: Body Branding! 
    "Yes, the idea of having one's skin artistically seered as a personal
statement is growing in popularity, especially in San Francisco. The
branding customer, the brandee, endures quick strikes with a blow
torched-heated, white hot, galvanized sheet metal design selected or created
by the customer. 
    "Each branding scar takes six weeks or longer to heal. One customer
interviewed by The San Francisco Examiner said she got a large elaborate
African sunburst on her lower back because she thought it would help 'keep me
more centered because I couldn't get in touch with myself'.  
    "We'll let's see now, you're tatooed, pierced, and branded. Now you're
ready for slaughter. Oh and I think the Road Kill look is in too. Boy I tell
you, I don't want to ever hear these people complain about being TREATED
LIKE CATTLE."


Demented News: 2/19/95
   Dino News (WW) -- "Sorry, but I got one last Barney the Dinosaur
story to share with you. Barry Friedman of Electronic Games magazine has
uncovered mathmatical proof that the infamous purple dinosaur is actually,
uhhh, could it beeeee, SATAN!!! 
   Here's what you do: write down on a piece of paper the words "cute
purple dinosaur. Now since there were no "U"'s in Roman times, and we're
going to be using Roman numerals for this, change the three "U"'s in "cute
purple dinosaur" to "V"'s. Like this...

   "cvte pvrple dinosavr"

   Switch over to D.T. for this: "Here's how each Roman numeral is valued:

   I=1, V=5, X=10, L=50, C=100, D=500, M=1000

   Add up...
   
   CVTE: 100+5=105
   
   PVRPLE: 5+50=55
   
   DINOSAVR: 500+1+5=506

   105+55=160; 160+506=666!!!!!

   All the other letters are ignored. 
      
   Back to Will:"Now if you add together all the Roman numeral characters in
the phrase, you get 666. The number of the beast!
   And as further proof, take Barney's trademark benediction,...

   Barney: "Always take turns when you're playing, and remember to say
PLEASE and THANK YOU, and #2 that I LOVE YOU."

   and reverse it for a horrific backward message...
  
   MESSAGE: "question authority, run with scissors, and operate heavy
machinery without protective goggles" is all D.T. got

  ...but you know, all this should come as no surprise really. Barney is,
after all, primed evil, and that beggy costume gives him that ...
loosy fur look (LUCIFER look).

(GROAN, BOO! FIRE AT WILL!) 

   
   Country (WW) -- "John Denver is back in the news. In his new
autobiography, "Take Me Home", the country singer tells of his weird
drink-induced behavour. He writes of showing up at the home of his first
wife Annie Martell with a chainsaw ready to carve up the furniture. Denver
recalls quote 'before I knew it, I had her on the kitchen counter and my
hands were around her throat!'. He then claims to stop before he quote
'lost control'. Now, a Demented News exclusive, our hidden microphone picks
up Denver's Rocky Mountain rampage...
   
   sounds of John singing with chainsaws and screaming lady getting cut up!
   
   "yes, there ain't nothing in old country boy like him can't hack. Maybe
he's auditing for Jackyl." 



Demented News: 2/26/95
   MOVIE NEWS (WW) -- "Well, most of us are pretty gosh darn excited about
the new Brady Bunch movie."
   Weird Al: "I can't believe it, I'm so excited!"
   "For some, the whole deal betrays an aura of forboding. Nonethless, the
Brady Bunch Movie is undeniably the crowning blow of the 70s retro
movement."
   Dennis Miller: "Isn't that one of the biblical signs of Armageddon?"  
   "and as frivilous as it may seem, casting a film such as this is quite
an ordeal. For example, I'll betcha you didn't know that legendary comic
genius Stan Freberg was originally cast in the role as Jan Brady"
   Bart Simpson: "What the hell are you talking about?"
   "it seems the studio honcho caught wind of Freberg's classic comedy bits
and was wowed by his performance"
   Somebody: "What is my opinion of his performance? What the f--- do you
think is my opinion of it? I think it was ---- ---- ----, put that in, I
don't f----n care..."
   "well you be the judge. Here's Stan Freberg as Jan Brady in her trademark
jealous temper tantrum..."
   Stan in the "John and Marcia" single: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia..."
   "wow, guess that will be Jan and Marcia, acting with a Plumb, but
Freberg reportedly walked off the set following a disagreement over
something about a training bra, I'm not sure. And now, Stan has
revitalized the Lynard Skynard band to rerecord their classic rock and roll
anthem. That would be .... Free-Berg." 

   Greg Brady: "We're The Brady Bunch singing group. We got a sound we hope
you'll like, and we're making our debut on the "Do Re Mi" episode of The
Brady Bunch." 


   TELEVISION (WW) -- "In other entertainment news: news of the attempts to
outlaw American TV broadcasts in Iran. Reportedly, Muslim moolahs have
plans to confiscate the satellite dishes that bring in Western programming
which is far more popular for the many Iranians than the three religious
channels available locally. 
   "One of the most popular shows is Baywatch parading the hottest
supermodels on Iranian TV. All this is quite an alternative in Iran when
the reigning Ayatollah maintains that not even one woman's ankle may be
exposed. One Iranian business man was aghast over an episode of Donahue
about open relationships. "We couldn't believe it", he said, "we never
hear or talk about this kind of thing". 
   "Just goes to show you how incredibly different two cultures can be. The
Iranian dictators don't like our Baywatch. We'll our FCC may not take too
kindly to the .... 24-hour execution channel.
   "I WANT MY BONE-CHOPPING NETWORK!
   "or THE CABLE NOOSE NETWORK!
   "hang on now, that's The Demented News and I was Whimsical Will!" 

               
Demented News: 3/5/95
   "You want dat ding? You got dat ding. It's da Demented News and I'm dat
Whimsical Will"
   "All up until now, I've been using considerable (Whimsical) Will power
resisting the temptation to cover the O.J. courtroom circus. Such riveting
testimony recently covering hot topics like what episode of the Mary Tyler
Moore Show aired on June 12, and the pitch and tamber of a dog's bark.
Would that be a plaintiff cry? Well I can resist no longer. 
   "All the while, OJ's going broke shelling out 700 bucks an hour to each
of his attorneys. Hung juries and mistrials are expensive these days.
Actually, this whole thing really hit home now that Demented News
correspondent 91-year-old Aunt Mimi has been called to testify. She was
ordered to appear after admitting she drinks OJ every morning."
   "Mimi is being counseled by her attorney Lawyer Loony. Sure you
remember Dr. Demento wannabe collegue Lawyer Loony, don't ya?"
   chorus: "The Lawyer is in!"
   LL: "Order in the court, plaintiffs and defendants, it's time to plead
insanity with The Lawyer Looooney Show! I'm here with Misdeameanor Mike,
Bailiff Bill, and Gavel Gil, they reached a verdict, and we have a summons
for a song that's exhibit A"
   Mimi's testimony had her asked to spell her name with objection from
Lawyer Loony that was overruled. She was asked when she began drinking OJ,
she kept straying from the answer. 
   "Oh man, it's gonna be a long trial! And with the recent to do made over
jewelry worn in court as a means of sympathising with the witness, Mimi has
been asked to surrender her crucifix pin to court officials. Surely you
heard of ... Cross Examination?" 
   
    Leslie Nielsen: "Yes I have heard of it; and don't call me Shirley."

    "In other news, the nerve of that Barbara Streisand during a recent
airing of that movie O|+) of Tides (oops, that's Prince of Tides, gotta
get my spellchecker fixed) on NBC. Streisand call the network's Manhattan
office and demanded the volume turned down on the commercials, and they
did. Can you imagine the gall Barbara thinks she can make a phone call to
a TV station and..."

    (RING!!!)

    "excuse me while I answer it."

    "Hello?"

    "Hold on, Dr. Demento? It's for you, it's Barbara Streisand."

    "Now she's done it, she's calling here demanding that I be taken off
the air because I'm annoying. Hey, nice try, Babs. But you've met your
match this time. I'm way too respected around here to let someone like you
get me taken of..."

    (sound of white noise as you hear it on a vacant TV channel) 



Demented News: 3/12/95
   SPACE (WW) -- Reports are still coming in about that spaced-out tailgate
party between Spach Shuttle Discovery and Russian Space Station Meer.
Orbiting in more than 200 miles above the earth traveling at 17,000 miles
per hour, the two big rigs came to within 40 feet of each other, and you
thought parallel parking was tricky; this required some careful
maneuvering. It was a dress rehearsal for the first shuttle station linkup
scheduled for June. 
  Our own far out space nut Popsicle Phil has been investigating it. Yeah,
you remember Popsicle Phil from last summer's comet report when he
broadcast from Jupiter. Phil's reportedly hovering high above his
diningroom table at this very moment. Phil gives a mock violation report
from the chandelier according to a driver's training manual. We later lost
Phil on that no-fly strip, or Will tries to lose him. Phil is annoying.
Well get back to him on that.  Then again, we won't.
  We have an exclusive tape of what was said when those two spacecrafts
flew to each other, the astronauts looking out the window: "pardon me, do
you have any grey poupon?"

  HEALTH (WW) -- In other news, the Society of Typists and Court Reporters
in town this weekend and all in attendance of being hospitalized for a rash
of paper cuts. Apparently, they lost a lot of blood and organized an
emergency blood drive. The typists and court reporters are welcoming all
donors ... except type O's (typos) (GROAN)
 

Demented News: 3/19/95

Whimsical Will's Demented News for 3/19/95 (2/26/95 on KSCA):
  Editor's note: These are some classic demented news items as heard. Dates
are provided from D.T.'s Demented News archives.

  Demented News: 2/27/94
  SCIENCE (WW) -- "There's a new discovery from the Department of Time
Management. There are now officially five time zones in the United States. 
It's true, let's see, there's Pacific, Central, Mountain, Eastern, and
now...the VCR time zone, where it's always twelve o'clock. LOL 

  Demented News: 4/10/94 
  Baltimore, MD (WW)--"A Baltimore man was arrested for stealing 70 homing
pigeons.  
  "Police say about a third of them were discovered alive...in his pants!
They say they caught Thomas Waddell when they saw him walking strangely with
bulging pants. 
  "One police officer said "You Look Like the Michelin Tire Ad".  After
Waddel was arrested, he began shaking and pulling out the pigeons from his
pants. Police say that he pulled out 21 live pigeons and five dead ones,
and he's accused of stealing the pigeons from two other Baltimore men. He's
charged with grand theft, cruelty to animals, and a...coo attempt."

  Demented News: 3/27/94
  TOLIET NEWS (WW) -- "Donald and Nancy Barnhardt of Williamsport Maryland
have a bathroom with an unusual feature, an erupting toilet!  
  Over the last three years, the commode in their home's been known to make a
burping sound before shooting a blast of water into the ceiling. The
Barnhardts say it's exciting and embarrassing especially when explaining
the loony latrain to visitors. 
  Town officials blame an underground ejector pump that's supposed to force
sewage uphill with air pressure.  If the air compressor fails to shut off,
the pressure's released to a nearby manhole cover and the Barnhardt's toilet.
Meanwhile, the Barnhardts have to make...DO...with their turbulent toidy.
But you can't poo poo the fact that erupting toilets are the number one and
number two causes of accidents in the home. Big Bag John.  And sometimes
when you get tanked, you get a little flushed.


Demented News: 3/26/95
   Will: "Attention in the building! The Demented News is to be activated
immediately placing Whimsical Will in motion! Please stand back of all
track areas!"
   
   Missisisippi (WW) -- "Now this gets my vote for the most demented product
so far in 1995. 
   "It's called ScaryMan, sort of like a high-tech scarecrow. ScaryMan is a
five and a half-foot tall screaming glaze orange inflatable human effagy
run by a battery-powered fan. 
   "It lies there instantly like a deflated baloon until a preset timer
causes it to inflate suddenly with much pashing and flailing of arms. At
the same time, ScaryMan lets out a siren scream sure to send every living
thing fleeing. 
   "ScaryMan is available from Robert Royal, a Mississippi cotton farmer for
about $600. He's already sold more than a hundred to fish farmers and
vegetable growers around the country.  It's a far cry from the stand-by
scarecrow of old. 
   "Let's see now: a 5 and a half foot tall screaming glaze orange inflatable
human effagy. Let's see there's Scary Man or Richard Simmons Sweating To
The Oldies in Your Back Yard.  Wish that into the corn field!  Now if those
ScaryMan designers could only master the finer points of the female form.
All us lonely guys can't help but imagine what kind of blow-up doll they
could come up with."
   
   Eat More Crow (WW) -- "And while ScaryMan may be outstanding in its field
(pun), here's one girl that won't let anything stand in her way.
   "Of course, I'm talking about Sheryl Crow whose All I Wanna Do earned an
arm load of Grammys. (Editor's note: That was the very first song KSCA
101.9 in Los Angeles played when it signed on as a AAA format station at 5pm
July 1 1994 when it put out the K-Lite permanently.) The song's a lot of
fun especially the part about me."

  Sheryl singing: "He says his name's William but I'm sure, he's Bill or
Billy, Mac or Buddy..." 

  Will: "I can't help it, Carly, but I'm so vain! But if the song gave
you a sense of Deja Vu the first time you heard it, you know, like, it
might be because the groove line part sounds highly reminiscant of a top
ten hit from 1973 called "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Gerry Rafferty's
old band Steeler's Wheel, remember?
    "Now whether or not the similarity's intentional, I don't know. But
those crows and their diets of corn, they sre noted for their ... good
ears. Now would that be a ... cob-by cat? It's something to ... crow about
anyway, right? All those corny jokes keep ... cropping up!" 

  Will: "We'll I'm Whimsical Will with that kernel of truth called The
Demented News, but I call it maize."

copywrong 1995 by WWN Inc.