Demented News: 4/2/95
  Music (WW) -- "Pearl Jam's fromtman Eddie Vedder has become quite a
crusader. 
  "You all remember his campaign against Ticketmaster and its outrageous
cost of concert tickets. Well now, Vedder and company are leaping to defend
frogs everywhere!
  "Yes, Pearl Jam has joined forces with the People For The Ethical
Treatment of Animals to ask students and teachers to find another way to
dissect the little amphibians, and Pearl Jam has set up a national 800
number 1-800-95-FROGS where students can get petitions to serve their
school principal, but it's always busy. So maybe you can pick one up at,
say, your local Ticketmaster (laugh).
  "Well the man suggested using lifesize models or computer programs as an
alternative to dissection. How about a game of ...  Frogger? And the first
50 students to return a completed copy of a petition will receive an
autograph Pearl Jam T-shirt, poster, CD.
  "Well this is indeed a noble gesture for a rock group. Personally, I never
thought poor defenseless frogs deserve to be torn apart limb from limb,
except, maybe, for Freddie on The New Zoo Revue."

  (WW) -- "Ahh yes, spring is in the air. It's time for your local amusement
parks to gear up with their newest thrill rides! So let's take our annual
ride on my favorite attraction..." 

  Ad parody: "You say, roller coasters bore you to tears? While everyone is
screaming, you're yawining? Well, I have just the ticket for you.
  "New at Tragic Mountain, it's Armageddon! The last roller coaster you'll
ever ride! 
  "Corkscrews are for sissies. Experience the Armageddon can opener which
slices your train into scrap! 
  "Get caught in the exilirating Hamster Wheel From Hell and go round and
round in billions of continuous 370-degree loops! (He really said 370!)
  "Avoid the tricky collapsing track, which sends your soul to rolling into
the lava pits below!
  "Take a thrilling detour in through the Q area, squashing and
dismembering guests arrived.
  "The exciting flybacks unfolds as you approach the station, just as
it's hit by 50,000 one-megaton hydrogen bombs!
  "The Armageddon! New at Tragic Mountain! It's not just a ride, it's the
end of the world.
  "Note: Due to the sucidal nature of the attraction, expectant mothers or
persons with an ounce of intelligence should not ride." 


Demented News: 4/9/95

  Will: "Hey! Ho! Are you ready for this? We'll hold on there, cause it's
time for The Demented News, I'm Whimsical Will"

  ARE YOU READY TO TAX THIS? (WW) -- "So, how are you coming on your income
tax returns? Ah, c'mon man, never put off 'til tomorrow what you can do ...
the day after tomorrow. 
  "But be careful, now, time is running out, and besides, the sooner you
file, the sooner you'll get that big and bouncy refund!
  "We'll just in case you need some last-minute tax advice, here's a
little rap to totally confuse you...
  "Enter the number of dependents you claim on line 2
    when exemptions match deductions be sure to write in blue
   divide your total income by twice your area code
    and multiply your street address by the time your car's been towed
   if line 7's less than 4 but more than half as much against
    subtract the dimples on a golf ball by the square root of 10
   then add the barometric pressure to the year that you were born
    and tune in next time kids to discuss the long form.
  "Now did that confuse you?"

  NEWS FLASH! (WW) -- "This just in into The Demented Newsroom...
  "A hospital in the land of dementia is being overrun by cases of chronic
dizzy spells! At first, the epidemic was blamed on toxins from this season's
bumper crop of smogberry trees bubbling out of the tap pits. But now,
authorities believe the dizzy spells are the result of...Something going
around."

  (GROAN)

  Execution General: "FIRE AT WILL!!!"

  ROLL WITH IT BABY (WW) -- "And speaking of something going around, have
you heard about India's Leading Hindu Holy Rolling Man? We'll his name is
Lotan Baba, and on a recent pilgramage to England, he dwmonstrated his
craft by rolling on his side for three miles through the middle of town on
a quest for world peace and salvation.
  "Baba says he's rolled more than 4000 kilometers in India through deserts
in the middle of monsoons. The shopkeeper quoted in the local newspaper
says 'I just looked outside and there was this idiot rolling along the
ground'. Which leads one to believe that this Lotan Baba dude might be
rolling his own in more ways than one."

  Will: "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! I'm on a roll to save the world! Before we go,
let's check in with the O.J. Trial procedings for any developments..."

  "No you didn't"
  "Yes I did"
  "No you didn't"
  "Yes I did"
  "No you didn't"
  "Yes I did"
  "No you didn't"
  "Yes I did"

  Will: "...ahhh, there's nothing new there. We'll I'm Whimsical Will and
that's The Deeeemented News!"