Demented News: 7/2/95
  D.C. HOT AIR (WW) -- "More hot air out of Washington. This time, over the
11,000 acre National Helium Reserve in Texas, representative Chris Cox
convinced House Republican leaders to sell the supply at private
corporations. It's a hundred years' worth of helium we have stockpiled,
and Cox was pretty gassed over his victory while he was talking in a
Mickey Mouse voice due to all the helium be breathed. 
  "The program is considered one of the most deep reachest cases of
government spending, costing the federal government 1.4 billion dollars and
losing additional 120 mllion bucks in operating costs annually, and, of
course, taxpayers foot the bill in ... BALLOON PAYMENTS. Could that be the
#1 cause of ... INFLATION?" 

  WEIRD SCIENCE (WW) -- "From the streets of Tinseltown comes a story of
the weird museum, which may be too bizarre, even for Holly-WEIRD. Located
behind a store in Hollywood, the Weird Museum exhibits human remains and
deformaties.
  "Now, the Los Angeles County Coroner's Office wants to seize the
exhibit. Among the stuff at the Weird Museum are mummified corpses, severed
heads, deformed fetuses in dirty glass jars, cancerous human organs, and a
23 pound tumor. 
  "And so the coroner guys got involved, citing health and safety codes
which dictate proper disposals of human remains. But Weird Museum curator,
Sharon Aguliar, has her lawyers on her case. And it says here that
authorities are most concerned about closing down the museum's torture
chamber, which subjects visitors to endless taped loop recordings of ...
   "THE DEMENTED NEWS?!?!? Hey..."

   taped loop: "Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the Demented...Hello,
I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will,
and that's the Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the
Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the Demented...Hello, I'm
Whimsical Will, and that's the Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and
that's the Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the
Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the Demented...Hello, I'm
Whimsical Will, and that's the Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and
that's the Demented...Hello, I'm Whimsical Will, and that's the
Demented..." 
  ..."and they're encouraged to hang themselves on the ... DEMENTED NOOSE!"

  DISNEY THEATER GRAFFITI (WW) -- "The untold story on the latest animated
blockbuster from Disney. It seems that the original storyline was a twist
on the Dumbo theme, revolving around a koala who learned to fly. The
working title?...
  "POCHA-QUANTAS"

  Executioner squad captain: "FIRE AT WILL!"
 
  Kid: "Most people say that Whimsical Will is funny; I think he's just
stupid." 


Demented News: 7/9/95
  none


Demented News: 7/16/95
The Best of The Demented News 7/16/95:

   I CAN'T DRIVE 55 (WW) -- "OK, how often do you break the speed limit?
Come on, now, I say you. Of course, I never drive over 55, and on
National Civil Obedience Day this year, motorists all across the country
formed caravans traveling within the speed limit, and it drove everyone
else bonkers!"
   George Carlin: "You ever notice that when you're driving that anyone
who's driving slower than you is am idiot? And anyone driving faster than
you is a MANIAC!"
   WW:"Actually, the 55ers were protesting, claiming the federal speed
limit is outdated and ignored. You see, the national speed limit was
imposed during the Arab oil embargo of 1974, and protesters would like to
once again allow states to set their own speed limits."
   Steven Wright: "A policeman stopped me for speeding and said you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? I said yea, but you know I wasn't
going to be out that long."
   WW:"And the angry frustrated motorists were driving on the shoulder
and up through the dividers to try to pass the rolling roadblock. It
appears the protesters proved their point."
   Bill Cosby:"Once I get into third gear, I'm not shiftin' back for
nobody. I'll run over a guy before I have to go back to first gear again."
   WW:"And for the motorists not participating in National Civil Obedience
Day, it became National Finger Exercising Day."


   BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR (WW) -- "Better make that Baby You Can EAT My
Car."
   Bart Simpson: "What the hell are you talking about sir?"
   WW:"A line of edible automobiles will soon be hitting the streets."
   Dan Aykroyd:"Mmmm, taste's terrific."
   Jane Curtin:"And just look at that shine."
   WW:"Volkswagen will be offering its ooey gooey rich and chewy inside,
tender flaky golden cakey outside model. Sure, it's the Faahr-Fig-Newton
line.
   "And watch for a classic fire-trucl design to make the round. This time
with a light creamy filling chocolate cookie outside. You guesssed it,
it's the OREO Speedwagon model."
 


Demented News: 7/23/95
   in "Demented English 101"

   BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND (WW) -- "A couple of weeks ago, I told you about
the sacreligious and modernization of Shakespeare's text for a new film
production of Othello. Apparently, that story sparked a renaissance of
interests of abused tongues. As several Dementoids have requested, that I
rebroadcast some of my infamous Demented English lessons, and you thought
school was out for the summer, huh? Why am I the authority on English, you
ask? I simply have a few pet peeves to parlait in flingalingistically
loogie your way."

   I COULD CARE LESS FOR $100, ALEX (WW) -- "Okay, who thinks they talk
good English, huh? Well, get out your scantrons (and your #2 pencils).
   "An expression that's widely being misused these days is driving me
crazy. When people hold something or someone in the lowest regard, the
phrase most commonly used is 'I could care less' as in 'I could care less
if Whimsical Will runs himself over'. Or something like that, but that's
not what you mean. 
   "If you COULD care less, that means there are things you care less
about. What you wanna say is that you COULDN'T care less. But you know,
noone seems to give a firm handshake about the English language and its
constant abuse with the misplaced prepositions and dangling participles; I
feel like a rebel without a CLAUSE.
   "The language has been lost with babbling boobs and boobettes (heh-heh
hmm he said 'boobies' heh-heh hmm-hmm) who have all the brains of a small
soapdish (I guess he's not talking about Erica Kane.)
   "And you know what? 
   "You know what? 
   "I could care less."
    
   A Schoolhouse Rocky, a chip off the block, of your favorite
schoolhouse of Schoolhouse Rock!

   PREPOSITION 'H' (WW) -- It's like your grade school teacher used to say,
'A preposition is the wrong part of speech to end a sentence with. 
   "I'm sick and tired of being asked where everything is AT? Where are you
AT? Where's the bathroom AT?
   "People who speak with such ignorance are linguistically lazy. Do they
realize they're actually making more work for themselves by adding the AT?
   You don't need the AT, just say Where are you? Where's the bathroom?
(Where's the beef? What's on second? Who's on second? Who's on first? I
dunno. Third base!) 
   "'Where are you from' is another pet peeve. In fertitude from Where are
you? or more eliquently, 'Wence came you?' And don't say 'from wence?'
either, that's redundant, 'wence' means 'from where'. 
   
   DEAD SNUK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD (WW) -- "Now this time, I'm
campaigning against 'snuk', and it's not a word but it's used as the past
tense of the verb 'to sneak', you know? No. the past tense of 'sneak' is
'sneaked'.
   "Language abusers, you must be punished!
   "and what makes me such an authority? Well, easy. I, uh, snuk into the
library." 
 
  "Well I'm Whimsical Will and that's your Demented English Lesson."



Demented News: 7/30/95
  The Demented News 7/30/95 by Whimsical Will. Transcrpited for those
without Dr. Demento affilliates or for the deaf who can get amused by
reading these news clips he says on the radio. One day, there will be
radios with open-captioning for the deaf on a computer screen on the
internet. It could happen. 

  (WW) -- "Hey kids! It's time to get POKED in the HONTAS! Cuz, we're giving
it up for The Demented News!" 

  REACH OUT AND (BLEEP) SOMEONE (WW) -- "Well, it wasn't the true reward
AT&T customers had in mind. The telephone conglomerate, in a mailing to its
175,000 customers, mistakenly provided the phone number to a sex chat line.
Callers expecting to reach an AT&T operator were greeted instead with a
sex chat line. While some enjoyed the surprise, others called the long
distance carrier to express their disapproval."
  Wally George: "They're appealing to a bunch of perverts out there. You
know how sick? Let's call another one."
  WW: "The number AT&T meant to provide allows customers to redeem long
distance points for airline tickets, and other goodies. But apparently,
two numbers transposed in the printing process, and according to spokes
person Don Alexander, the company probably mailed formal apologies and has
been genuinely remorseful to phone-in complainers. But then this little
inadvertent perk might be just the gimmick to win the next round in the
long distance wars. Instead of AT&T, how about a little AT&A? Of course,
the competition would change their initials to S&MCI.

  also, 92-year-old Aunt Mimi had a surf report. It took her nearly a
dozen tried to say "Bertha honey, be a dear, and hand me my nose plugs",
and tune in next week when Mimi tries to speak Klingon.
   

Demented News: 8/6/95
  HAVE YOU FOLLOWED A FORD LATELY? (WW) -- "The Ford Bronco, wildly popular
following OJ Simpson's renegade tour-de-police force just over a year
ago, is getting souped up with its 1997 model.
  "Ford Motor Company is hoping to squelch its acro-anemic/
fixto-repairdaily/ found on Rodeo ... by installing a 6.8 liter V10 engine
into its redesigned Bronco, which makes me wonder of O.J. isn't kicking
himself saying 'I could've had a V10!', cuz why settle for a V-8 when you
can have freshly-squeezed OJ?"

  THIS PAULA IS NOT FOREVER CLINTON'S GIRL (WW) -- "A little OJ cult
friction there. In other news, Paula Jones, who sued President Bill Clinton
for sexual harassment, has reached an out-of-court settlement from a
former boyfriend who sold semi-nude photos of her to Penthouse Magazine.
(This is Demented News?!?!? I thought it was A Current Affair?)
  "According to Jones's attorney, there was no cash settlement. In an
exchange for a written apology, Jones will drop her suit, which, come to
think about it, is precisely what got her in trouble in the first place,
right?"

  PIE IN YOUR FACE (WW) -- "A man who hurled a cream pie at French culture
minister Felippe B%&*ust@!$blegĻ++eme, said a newsgroup is setting up camps
to train pie throwers to hit "those who believe themselves superior".
Belgian film director, Jean Boo#$%@ay said his group, the International
Pastry Brigade, has 30,000 members worldwide. 
  "And while their targets deserve their JUST DESSERTS, I'm wondering if the
Pastry Brigadeers are hitting only those who believe themselves superior, or,
are they spending all day hurling pies at themselves? Don't you have to
consider yourself superior to judge others? What is this? He who is without
sin cast the first ... SKONE?
  "Meanwhile, worseoff than The International Pastry Brigade, it is the
International PASTIE Brigade! The campaign to perpetuate stupidity in
society. The PASTIE Bridgade is all part of a ... BOOB COVERUP!" 
 
  "This has been Whimsical Will, keeping you ABREAST with The Demented
News!" 


Demented News: 8/13/95

  WARNING! The following is a Whimsical Will TIRADE! If you are offended by
loud and obnoxiuos egomanical ranting and raving, then tough noogies!

  "By now, many of you are now aware of my day job in attractions at
Disneyland, and over the past eight years, I've been exposed to a vast
cross-section of humanity. While many of my exchanges with the general
public have been pleasant, there are others that send me scrambling for my
blood pressure gage!
  "Come on, everyone ('cept my friends in San Diego) heard my Demented
English lesson [three] weeks ago, right?, in which I lambasted the use of a
preposition as a sentence concluder. In fact, Dementoid Rob Filback, a
full-time English instructor in Alahambra, Calif, called in and requested
a copy of the broadcast. Yet, there are those sadistic souls heck bent on
tormenting me with their accuous cranea (hmm, big words).
  "Now the example that I used is the commonplace query `where is the
bathroom AT?' is more prevelant than ever! All I could say is keep sharp
objects out of my range! In fact, illegal preposition placement up of which
I will not put! I just wanna sit down with those blithering ignornami and
go (whack!)
  "Stop for a minute and think, think! Aside from the fact that one is
incorrect, tell me, what is the difference between 'where is the bathroom?'
and 'where is the bathroom AT?' What, does the AT demand more geographic
accuracy in a response or something?"
  Scarecrow: "I don't know, but some people without a lot of brains do an
awful lot of talking."
  "Now these rocket scientists have a new wrinkle: 'where is the NEAREST
bathroom AT?'. You'd think I'd send you to the FARTHEST bathroom on the
planet? Stop for a minute and think! Think, man! Think!
  "If you pride yourself in your linguistic laziness, then why in the name
of all things holy, are you adding all these unnecessary words? It doesn't
make any sense to me! Fools! Went to Schoolhouse Rock flunkies mired in
redundancy (or is it redaDUNCEy?), and if you can believe it, a babbling
boobette with a few strings missing from her ukelele, accosted me the
other day with this TRIPLE whammy...'where is the NEAREST bathroomS AT?'!
  "I don't know why I even bother anymore."
  National Lampoon: "The world continues to deteriorate. Give up."
  "The huddled future mass of general public has reached a new sub-zero
degree of ignorance and intelligence quotient of negative-googleplex,
totally indifferent to improving the human condition. Of course, you know
the difference between ignorance and indifference, don't you? I don't know
and I don't care.
  "I guess I needed it what for? I'm Whimsical Will and that's your
Demented Tirade!"
 

Demented News: 8/20/95

  TO THE MOON, ALICE! (WW) -- "And while Apollo 13 continues to be the most
critically acclaimed movie of the year, certainly a windfall for Opie, while
Kevin Cost-more might have to liquidate. The crew of Microsoft in Seattle has
compiled a list of technical errors discovered in Apollo 13.
  "As you may recall, I have a thing for catching continunity errors. In
fact, you can find my name in the first Flubs book under Little Mermaid
(anyone wish to confirm this?). Some of the Apollo 13 blunders observed by
the Seattle hackers include the use of the NASA worm logo, which
apparently, hadn't been developed yet. The slide rule used to check
addition problems. There's a car with a 90s licence plate, a technician
wearing a Rockwell International badge when the Apollo capsule was built
by North American before they became Rockwell. This one spoled the film for
me; the paint pattern on the Saturn 5 is for the test configuration, not
the launch configuration. 
  "The astronauts point out the Sea of Tranquility on the Dark Side of the
Moon, it's on the other side. Besides, the Pink Floyd album didn't come
out until 1973!" (rimshot)
  "In their defense, the film's production film crew members claimed they
were involved in another project simultaneously with the Apollo 13. That's
right! They were ... Moonlighting!"


  I'M SORRY, SO SORRY (WW) -- "I owe you all a apology for my totally
irrational egomaniacal tirade on last week's Demented News. Just to prove
that my mind is ajar to change, here's a report on new words added to the
1995 editions of the Random House and Webster dictionaries. 
  "The public forum on meology voted for karaoke, global warming, quality
time, bejeaned (which means wearing jeans), and dis, to show disrespect as
in "he was dissin' me, man!" And get this: fat is now a compliment! That
is, phat is. That's phat, means that you like that. Someone may look up
mosh pit, the area where people mosh in front of the stage. Computer
terms "cyberspace" and "internet" have entered the lexicon, but were still
waiting approval on waitron, you know, "a waiter and waitress is now a
waitron." (I don't get it). The verb "to O.J." which means to, uhh,
the jury's still out on that one.
   "And now to my tirade last week, wouldn't be surprised if someone posed
the verb "to Whimsical Will" to me, which means to make a total @#$% out
of yourself."


Demented News: 8/27/95

  BODY LANGUAGE (WW) -- "OK, so you can put your foot in your mouth, your
tongue in your cheek, and your heart on your sleeve; how about your ear on
your abdomen? 
  "Dementoid Frank Jones of Riverside, CA, sent me the story of Mark Webb,
42, of Chicago, whose right ear was bitten off in a fight."
  Ren Hoek: "You sick little monkey!"
  Dad: "An earache? My eye! How'd you like a buttache?!?"
  Will: "And so Webb had to act quickly to solve his ... EARry dilemma. He
sought the aid of Dr. Zachary of the University of Chicago Hospital. Dr.
Zachary said he planted the ear between layers of skin and muscle in
Webb's abdomen so the ear could heal before doctors attempted to reattach
it to his head. Why his abdomen? Because of the 'good supply of blood in
the groin area'. Well it's also a good place to get hearing aids."
  Indian: "Ugh. Lousy pun."
  Will: "Actually, I think the best place to lose an ear is in a high
speed traffic accident. Sure, then you can say 'hey, look at that VAN
GOGH!'"
  Firing Squad General: "FIRE AT WILL!"
  Man: "I thought it was ---kin' brilliant."
  Mr. Rogers: "A 4 year old friend of mine told me something that scared
him the other day. He said that his mother was washing his soft toy dog in
the automatic washer, and the toy dog's ear came off. Well that was scary
to think about, wasn't it?"
  
  
  Will: "And now before we say goodbye to summer, here's 92-year-old Mimi
with one final demented surf report."
  What Mimi is trying to say is "Hey Bertha, check out that blond surfer
dude over there". And tune in next week when Mimi takes auctioneering
lessons. 


Demented News: 9/3/95

  LOST IN VEGA$ (WW) -- "Well I just got back from Lost Wages, actually the
first machine gave me $300! ... it was an ATM. (rimshot).


  AUTOMATED THIEF MACHINES (WW) -- "Speaking of the ATM, is that Automated
Teller Machine or Angry Terrorist Magnets? It's a harsh fact of life and
death for every bank customer that the low-life scum of the gutter lies in
waiting.
  "So, here's a classic demented special report on upwardly votalile
banking in the 1990s, prepared on your account.


  TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN (WW) -- "The automated teller machine is getting
to the point where you're risking your life using those things. Yes, there
are vermon lurking in the shadows waiting to strike, while ingenious
thieves go as far as to build bank teller machines which retain cards and
I.D. numbers. 
  "Now there's talk about installing ATMs in police stations. A-Team ATMs
if you will. I could think of better locations to hook up ATMs.
  "a) how about in a pool hall where most people do their BANKING?
  "b) or in an animation studio, just in case you're OVERDRAWN?
  "c) in the vestibule of a church for your SAVINGS transactions?
  "d) how about a gymnastics class just in case you want to check on your
BALANCE?
  "e) in a record store if you want to take out a CD?
  "f) one more, put the ATMs in the trees so you can make INTERBRANCH
deposits?
  "is it true that all the banking transactions in the deep south are
WITHDRAWLS?"


  I WILL GET BY (WW) -- "While the rock and roll community continues to
mourn the passing of Jerry Garcia, I like to pay tribute by remembering
what "grateful dead" means, literally. 
  "We all heard the story of how the name was chosen by Garcia through
random finger point in a dictionary, it must have been a RANDOM HOUSE
DICTIONARY.
  "The "grateful dead" is actually a type of English folk ballad. According
to the band's publicist, Dennis McNally, in the grateful dead motique, the
travelers going along the road finds a body that's not being given a
proper burial, usually always because of lack of money, resolves the debts
of the body and puts its spirit to rest. The traveler then encounters a
representation of that spirit, which helps him in his own quest. It's the
notion of the resolved spirit of the dead, the whole idea of good karma,
and a cycle: life, death, and rebirth.
  "Thanks, Jerry. We are the grateful ones."
   
   Dr. Demento adds: "Thanks to the Dead-Heads and their tape decks, Jerry
Garcia has undoubtedly left behind more recorded music than any other
guitarist who ever lived." 


Demented News: 9/10/95
   IF I COULD TALK TO THE ANIMALS (WW) -- "Ah what you can't do with a
telephone these days, huh? You can use it to cruise the information
superhighway, or for less sophisticated forms of communication.  It's a
jungle out there, now the call of the wild is just a phone call away.
  "Yes, a new animal hot line debut in Paris France this month. Well, for
45 cents a minute, callers can "listen to nature as though they were
there." Well apparently, that's music to the ears to some French pronounced
company D.T. cannot spell but it's for those hankering for more than
blare of the sirens and the horns."
  "The service is sponsored by the association for the protection of wild
animals and natural inheritance, and entertains callers with wolf cries,
whale love songs, and whatever else."
  Will dials up the sex line by mistake. Must've hit "REDIAL" by mistake.
  "The ... LION ... is busy.
  "For trying to protect wild life, I don't think they should have callers,
well here in the land of Dementia, we have our own hot line. We can call
all the crazy creatures that bubble up out of the tarpits and enter the
smogberry tree. You know, like the Manic Merecads, The Zany Zebras, and my
favorite: the Demented GNUS." (what about Demented Newts, Will?)

  Kid:"Some people think that Whimsical Will is funny, I think he's just
stupid."


  ANIMAL CRACKERS IN MY SOUP (WW) -- "In a related story, it was a bad week
for a new brand of animal crackers. 90% of the boxes were returned. 
  "It seems consumers misinterpeted the warning on the box of the new
Meadow Wafer animal crackers: do not use if SEAL is broken." 



Demented News: 9/17/95

  A BOTTLE LOBOTOMY OR A FRONTAL IN FRONT OF ME? (WW) -- "I must preface
the following story a disclaimer that I do not condone the recreational
consumption of alcohol. Call it holier than thou rather than an obsessive
compulsive disorder in my 31 years, I have yet to take that first drink.
In fact, I don't even know what beer taste like. Besides, my brain cells
are in@#%$eral enough as it is. 
  "Anyway, the story to which I'm referring deals with the new discovery of
Japanese scientists found a way to drink alcohol without getting drunk.
Try a horse chestnut or two. A camelia seed cocktail. Or some snake root.
  "During an annual meeting of the chemical society in Chicago, the
scientists reported that these traditional Chinese medicines used for
centuries to treat arthritis, diabetes, and stomach pills, also have the
ability to grab alcohol and route it through the digestive system before
it can be absorbed into the bloodstream. Experiments in labratory rats have
proven that no matter how much you drink, the Chinese medicines will
prevent drunkeness, and the blood alcohol content will not increase. 
  "So what is the purpose of drinking, huh? It is my understanding that
people drink so they can get drunk and escape, right? Before eliminating
that side effect, why not just IV-it straight to the liver?
  "Perhaps this interview I conducted at age ten may shed a little light on
the existentialism of alcohol abuse:"
  Will: "What are you doing there?"
  Drunk: "I'm drinking."
  Will: "Why are you drinking?"
  Drunk: "So that I may forget."
  Will: "Forget what?"
  Drunk: "Forget that I am ashamed."
  Will: "Ashamed of what?"
  Drunk: "Ashamed I'm drinking."
  
  
  G**DAMN I HATE MICROBILL GATES (WW) -- "If I hear one more thing about
(name censored by David Tanny, but it's that overhyped computer operating
system that cheapskate millionaire Bill Gates is pushing>, somebody's gonna
get hurt. 
  "and all I'm looking for is a new daisy-wheel for my Coleco Adam (and
D.T. is looking for a 16K RAM upgrade for his old Atari 800)."
  Mimi: "When is Colecovision coming out with Donkey Kong Jr.?"
  "Anyway that new (name censored by D.T., etc. etc.) upgrade is apparently
imcompatable with a number of computer programs. One application from
Terets Software causes the monitor to fill with endless lines of
four-letter words and obscenities, but only on the cheaper IBM
compatibles.
  "It prompted Rocky Cordella of Mariner Valley to chuck his IBM compatable
over the cliff and he was later charged with making an OBSCENE CLONE FALL." 

  
  Kid: "Whimsical Will has the intelligence of a small soap dish."


Demented News: 9/24/95

  BIGGER BROTHERS ARE WATCHING YOU (WW) -- "The world's only government
sanctioned search party for bigfoot is gearing up in China for a new survey
that will link high-tech aerial equipment with observation on the ground. 
  "Earlier searches this past summer were spearheaded by Wang Chang Fang.
Of the 30-strong team from China's committee for research into strange and
rare animals, but those missions failed. Even though residents in China's
Hubay(?) province had reported 114 sightings of a so-called Abombinable
Snowman for the past 40 years, and of collected hair samples of footprints.
  "The research committee now plans to deploy balloons eqipped with
infra-red sensing instruments 2000 feet above the forest. And according to
Wang, "any activities conducted by large bodied mammals would be recorded
by the aparatus." Works like a charm too, it was tested over ABC studios
during a taping of Roseanne."

  Wildman Fisher: "I've got a camera loaded with film, i'm gonna take a
picture of you." 

  GIRLS ON FILM (WW) -- "A lawyer in town to lecture on sexual harassement
said a man sneaked up while she was shopping, pointed a Polaroid up her
skirt, and snapped a picture. Well, the same guy did it to her again ten
minutes later. A group of witnesses tackled him and detained the suspect
til police arrived. 
  "And it so happened in Santa Fe, NM, where the attorney-turned-victim
acknowledged the irony of the situation. One of her missions in town is to
help prosecute college instructor Wech Fletcher. He has been allegedly
grading his female students according to their measurements. Well, the
better in doubt, the higher the grades. But Fletcher hopes to get off, er,
be released on a technicality, after all, there's nothing illegal about
grading ... ON A CURVE." 

  Kelly Bundy: "The prostitution rests."

  GOODBYE, GOODBYE (WW) -- "Legendary New Wavers (or is it Old Wavers?)
Oingo Boingo announced they're calling it quits.
  "Bandleader Danny Elfman admitted that the group lasted a decade longer
than he ever would of imagined. But the band recently simply known as
Boingo is holding a series of farewell concerts, first of which attracted
a large group of senior citizens. It seems a letter fell off a marquee
leaving the message "B INGO  HERE  TONIGHT.""