Demented News: 10/1/95

  ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES (WW) -- "20,000 people pelted each other
with over riped tomatoes, turning the main square in Eastern Spain into a
red juicy pool.
  "Then it was all part of the annual festival known as Lato Matina where
participants splatter four 25-ton truckloads of tomatoes during the hour
long frenzy earlier this month; all this to honor the town's patron saint
San Luis which they have been doing for years since the middle ages, while
they added the tomato slinging event in the mid 1950s when the town's
tomato exports picked up, bt leading the town's cleanup crew with little to
celebrate.
  "Yes, they'll be playing ... KETCHUP (catch up) for a while."

  KNEE-JERK SINGER (WW) -- "Another recent victim of killer tomatoes is
infamous figure skater Tonya Harding.
  "Seems she's the lead singer of a rock and roll band The Golden Glades.
As the opening act for Kool and the Gang, Tonya was nearly booed off the
stage. Harding and her band performed in a findraising event in Portland,
Oregon.
  "Everything went OK during rehearsal. During her performance, the booing
crowd turned thumbs down a threw plastic bottles on the stage. And in a
Demented News exclusive, the concert sounded like a bad rendition of
"Staying Alive", only worse.
  "Anyway, I think she's going about this whole singing deal the wrong way.
Sure, remember your claim to fame, Tonya, and try the ... CLUB scene. I
mean, you gotta ... SWING if you wanna HIT.
  "That will bring your crowd to its ... KNEES!"



Demented News: 10/8/95

  please see The 25th Anniversary Show.

  
Demented News: 10/15/95

  YES I SPA'AM (WW) -- "Spa'Am the Pig finally gets his day in court.
Spa'Am is a new Muppet character featured in the upcoming Jim Henson
studios production "Muppet Treasure Island". Hormel Foods, makers of Spam
luncheon meat, called the creature a grotesque obnoxious appearing wild
boar. I've been called worse. 
  "Anyway, the Hormel honchos are worried that the evil Muppet swine will
spoil the public's appetite for their products. Now all the Muppets in the
Henson camp are up in arms with arms up in them. Of course, you know how
to serve legal papers against a pig, don't you? You say ... SUUUU-EEEY!"
  
  KLINGON THIS (WW) -- "Well with this week's special on Star Trek
Dementia, let's see how you're coming with your Kilngon lesson..."
  sounds of Klingons sounding like German-Russian language with a bit of
Japanese mixed in or something like that. I cannot understand it anyway. 
  A lesson is the pronounciation of something that sounds like a "K" but
you hoch it by moving the back of your tongue as far back in your mouth as
you can. Aunt Mimi coughs up something too disgusting to desctibe here.
  "It's the fastest growing language in the universe."

  DR. DEMENTO'S GUEST HOST (WW) -- "While we're still reveling in last
week's 25th anniversary celebration of the Dr. Demento Show, I didn't get
the chance to share with you one of my cherished moments.
  "Here's a Demento Momento from December 6th, 1987 (on that other
station originating live from L.A.)
  BEGIN FLASHBACK...
  Dr. Demento in a hoarse voice: "Hi there. This is Dr. Demento. I have a
humongous case of laryngitis this evening. I am going to let Musical Mike
and Whimsical Will and Beefalo Bill do most of the talking."
  Chorus: "The Doctor is in!"
  Whimsical Will announcing over the opening theme: "WOOO! WOOO! Wind up
your radio! It's time for the Dr. Demento Show. Two hours of mad music
and craaaaaaazy comedy from out of the archives and off the wall. I'm
Whimsical Will, speaking for Dr. Demento..."
  END FLASHBACK...
  "Ah, what a thrill that was and I hope I'll be able to do that again,
in fact, Dr., was that a cough I heard earlier?"

  DT's footnote to the above item: "Does anybody in Los Angeles and
elsewhere remembered what the number one request was that day. Hint: it
wasn't a released tape or LP, it wasn't even an unreleased tape. 

  Answer:
     #1: the number one request was for the Doctor to get well soon.
  


Demented News: 10/22/95

   none. he did his Halloween Cut-Up

Demented News: 10/29/95

   Scary Stories 1995 (WW) -- "Whimsical Will here with a special
Halloween edition of the Demented News, where we open the audio torture
chamber of sound bytes so infectious, please have your iodine ready.
   "Scary stuff from exercise guru Jack LaLanne!"
   Jack: "In we go out we go in we go out we go in we go out, in, out"
(sounds like a double meaning to me)
   "92-year-old Mimi sings Double Dutch Bus!"
   "A Facts of Live revelation from Mr. Rogers:"
   Rogers: "I used to think that you got born and you turned into a girl
or a boy. But now I know that if you're a boy, you are born a boy, and if
you're a girl, you were born a girl."
   "A 4-year-old Whimsical Will sings The United States." (In alphabetcal
order. Amazingly, it's still accurate today.) 
   "The Three Jerrys sings La La La Nice Lady."
   "Sporscaster Jay Elliott giving the golf scores."
   "And a scary stuff perennial from Bob of Sesame Street singing Muskrat
Love!"
   "A Lesson in Trick or Treating Etiquette."
   Monty Python: "To enable you to talk freely about rude objects, to look
at all embarrasing things, and to point at people's privates." 
   "Now, if you plan to be home for Halloween, be sure to have the
healthier treats to hand out."
   Shel: "cold french fries, yellow lumps of cream of wheat."
   "And if you'd be making the rounds, check your goody bag carefully for
anything suspicious."
   Dragnet: "Let's see. Sawed-off shotgun. Knife. Bludgeon. Box of Dum-Dum
shells. Nothing suspicious here."
   "Let me show you how this trick-or-treating thing is done."
   "I know, let's try Dr. Demento's house. It's all in how you present
yourself at the door."
   KNOCK! KNOCK!
   "Hey, the Dr. doesn't seem to be home! Oh how silly of me, he's doing his
radio show right now!"
   Three Stooges: "Quiet, numbskulls, I'm broadcasting!"
   "He's got that big bag of sugar-coated sugar lumps in there too. I know
how to get in, come through the window. Hope I don't set off the alarm."
   Dr. Demento House Alarm: "WOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!...
   "Oh oh! Follow me, I know where he keeps his candy, up on the top shelf
behind his collection of rare 78s, it's just ... up a little bit .... to
the right .... oh no, I'm fallllliinggg.... CRASH!
   Dr. Demento House Alarm: "WOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!...


Demented News: 11/5/95

   LAW MEETS THE METER FEEDER (WW) -- "Parking Enforcement Officials in
Santa Cruz, CA, are up in arms over a coin-dropping clown. 
   "Corey McDonald, who calls himself Mr. Twister, says he'd rather be
thrown in jail than quit feeding parking meters for strangers.
   "The whole deal came to a head the other day when Mr. Twister in full
clown regalia was chased down the street by a meter reader who shouted
for police after she saw him slipping coins into a stranger's parking
meter.
   "The clown started waving his arms shouting "here I am, come on boy!""
   "Police wrote Mr. Twister a ticket for breaking the law prohibiting
unauthorized deposit of coins in parking meters.
   "What a country! It's against the law to help a stranger.
   "But Mr. Twister says he won't pay the fine. No matter what they do,
he said, I'm never gonna stop.
   "People in Santa Cruz have been giving him coins urging him to
continue. Well, you've gotta admire Mr. Twister. He just wants to make
that change before we expire. 
   "I could use Mr. Twister to help me with my parking ticket. I don't
know why I got a ticket. Where I parked my car, the sign said ... FINE FOR
PARKING."

   ALL BALONEY RECALL (WW) -- "First there was the animal cracker recall
because the seal was broken. Then the battery recall because batteries
weren't included. And this month, Playskool's recall of collapsing high
chairs. Now 275 tons of baloney are being recalled by the Paul Myra Boloney
Company. 
   "Following discovery that the lunch meat may be contaminated by the
Cinderella bacteria, er, I mean salmonella poisoning, uh whatever.
   "Anyway, the meat in question is Lebanin Bologna. Semi-dry fermented
sausage. Well common bologna is fully cooked. The outbreak is the second
link to a fermented meat product, to which the meat is cured and
acidified rather than cooked at a high temperature.
   "The Department of Agriculture is quick to add that the recall affects
only Paul Myra baloney in that bologna should be ok.
   "Meanwhile, a portion of the recalled baloney is being shipped to the
Santa Cruz parking enforcers who have volunteered to pack a lunch for a
Mr. Twister." 
    
   "And you thought that the baloney recall meant no more Demented News
stories!" 


Demented News: 11/12/95

  SHE TAUGHT THE BRAT WITH A BASEBALL BAT (WW) -- "From the mean streets of
Boil Heights, CA, comes the true story of a baseball-bat wielding
motorist Susan Watkins.
  "Just last week, Watkins got a little frustrated behind a slow-moving
car, so she drove on to the shoulder, pulled alongside the vehicle, and
tried to hit it with a baseball bat, then she threw a can of air
freshener through the car's open window.
  "The ironic twist of this traffic tantrum is Watkin's vanity license
plate which reads PEACE 95. When a Highway Patrol finally caught up with
her, the officers asked for a word versus deed explanation of PEACE 95.
She professed there's too much violence in society. Watkins however was
not cited for her baseball bat swinging antics; it has something to do
with Three Strikes initiative.


  CHRISTINE FROM HELL (WW) -- "Speaking of cars, the truth is finally out
on the most violent vehicle, Christine, that murderous gas guzzler from
the poison pen of Steven King's suffered from the same syndrome
shared by many murderers. It turns out Christine was ... A LOANER (loner)."


  Popsicle Phil gave his traffic report, 
  and turning to the weather, 92-year-old Mimi gave a look at the forecast.
She was outside holding out her purse; she was expecting some ... CHANGE
in the weather.


Demented News: 11/19/95

  GOODY TWO SHOES (WW) -- "You know, some people strive in vain all their
lives to establish a positive wholesome image while all those sickening
and sweet souls blessed at birth with dimples and halos who are so eager to
kick off those goody two shoes and try on some steel-tipped chucka boots.
  "Sure as much as they want to join in on the reindeer games, we still
need to claim squatter's rights to the penalty box.
  "The latest little miss sunshine shed her ballerina slippers to proudly
display her feat of clay as TV's sweetheart Mary Tyler Moore. According
to her kiss-and-tell photo biography, Mary seems heck bent on proving to
her adoring public that even she has done the naughty things in her day.
  "C'mon, Mary, what's the deal? If we want to remember you as Laura
Petree's trotting your perverbial self in those clingy capri pants. Is
that so roar? "Then I suppose there is a fine line between con and icon.
  "So, Mary, I don't really give a firm handshake if you've sneaked that
extra item in the express checkout line. I always loved you for the way
you stood up to Mr. Grant and defended the Demented News."
  MARY RICHARDS TO MR. GRANT: "Well you gotta admit it, it's funny,... I
mean, all right, it wasn't funny, ha ha, but it was certainly funny, he,
sort of,..."
  LOU GRANT: "Whimsical?"
  MARY: "Right! Whimsical!" 
  LOU GRANT: "I hate that."
  (where does he dig up these Nick At Nite clips?)


  MILESTONE 400 (WW) -- "Well, just in case anybody's keeping track, this
week's Demented News marks episode number 400!
  "It's true. I got them all right here.
  "I like to play for you right now highlights from all 400 reports,
starting with #1..."
  DR. D: "Hey Whimsical Will, what time is it?"
  "Oh, sorry, I forgot, the Doctor might wanna finish his show here."
  DR. D: "Ahh, thanks William, what a fine cut-up you are."
  "So here's a highlight from a few years ago, one of the most requested
reports..."

  BEGIN DEMENTED NEWS FLASHBACK 1993
  
  I WILL ALWAYS ANNOY YOU (WW) -- "Well, Whitney Houston's version of I
Will Always Love You has been #1 for 100 jillion weeks!"
  Gang: "but we don't like that song!"
  DJ: "You got to like that song, it's #1 song."
  "Personally, I have had it up to here, and it's time to ride the crest
of the backlash of the Last Blast of the Blasted Whitney.
  "Ah, let's give it a shot (literally)"
  The record starts.
  Will fires a gunshot to it...
  ...but the record recovers.
  "Try something else."
  Will machine guns the record...
  ...but it resumes playing.
  Will breaks glass onto it...
  ...but it recovers again.
  Will chainsaws it...
  ...but it came back again.
  "Sheez, make it stop!"
  Will power chisels it...
  ...but it still plays
  "Well, it's proof positive that she can take a licking and keep on
ticking ... us off!
  "Ah, man!"
  Will slaps it...
  ...but nothing.
  "We'll I'm Whimsial Will and that's the Demented News! I had it! Let me
out..."
  A nuclear exposion destroys everything...
  ...but the record.



Demented News: 11/26/95

  WHERE IS ELVIS? (WW) -- "And now for the Elvis fan who has everything,
Memphis-based Leader Federal Bank is issuing a new Elvis Presley
Mastercard, the cards are emboxed with different images of the king from
the early years to latter day.
  "Each one at a different rate of ... INFLATION."
  
  VERDICT IN (WW) -- "In other Elvis news, well the O.J. Simpson trial
took a year off of everyone's lives (except D.T.'s); a less publicized
but more bizarre trial was completed in just 2 1/2 hours in Monterrey,
Calif.
  "At the Monterrey College of Law, where jurors decided by a 3-1 margin
that Elvis Presley is still alive and is likely sheltered in a Federal
Protection Program in either Hawaii or Kalamazoo, Michigan. The trial was
a findraiser that drew 200 spectators/jurors at $10 a head, and it
included a testimony of a handwriting expert who concluded that Presley
signed his own death certificate. The jury questionairre was all very
legalwise, and the verdict's 24% believe Elvis is dead, while 75% say
that the king is among the living.
  "And then there's that wiseacher 1%, a group in which yours truly falls,
conclude that if even one Elvis was around, he was ... AT LARGE."

  PUN (WW) -- "Ok, sorry, no more fat jokes. But I do like to tip the scale
cause, where there's a Will there's a WEIGH."

  HERE THEY COME AGAIN (WW) -- "And with the holidays upon us, it's time
to beat the 9 to 5 and organize a pilgrimage to my favorite amusement
park: Dollywood, Dolly Parton's pergatory on earth in Tennessee.
  "Yes, I always been a big fan of them, er, her. And you know what I got
spray painted on the side of my van? ... DOLLYWOOD ... AND BUST!
  "So is Dollywood a tourist trap or a BOOBY trap?"
   


Demented News: 12/3/95

  GOT 'IT' TOGETHER (WW) -- "So you finished all your Xmas shopping, right?
We'll I'm already working on Xmas 96! But if you still need help, get a load
of this...
  "Just in time for holiday gift giving, cow manure.
  "A Norwalk CA company is enjoying a brisk business selling animal
figurines made from baked and sanitized cow patties, they're called
PooPets and are available by mail order only, so it would be ... Postage
DEW, and carry such names as Turdle, CowPie Cow, Peppy LePoop, and maybe
even the real Winnie The Poop, all exquisitely sculpted from the highest
quality meadow muffins.
  "It promises to be the ... NUMBER TWO best selling Xmas gift of the
year"

   
  BE LIKE MICHAEL (WW) -- "In other news, Michael Jackson categorically
denies that he's attempting to sell his ownership rights to the Beatles
catalog because he needs money. He and Paul McCartney had some high-level
discussions. 
  "Anyway, we have received word that the king of pop is marketing a new
line of car alarms. Check it out..."
  MICHAEL JACKSON CAR ALARM: "E-hee. E-hee. E-hee. Owww! Owww! Owww!..."
  "That would be a ... LOW-JACKSON" (GROAN)


  FLASH! (WW) -- "This just in! A group of delinquent dementoids has been
apprehended at Smogberry Bay for throwing rocks at seabirds. Yea, the kids
were charged with ... LEAVING NO TERN UN-STONED.
  "We'll it takes a lot of ... GULL. They'll live to ... EGRET-it."

 


Demented News: 12/10/95
   Whimsical Will interviewed Santa Claus at the North Pole in two classic
cut-up occastions from the past. 


Demented News: //95



Demented News: //95



Demented News: //95