Demented News: 1/7/96  (KSCA 10/1/95)

   TALK ABOUT POP MUZIK 11/95 (WW) -- "So, do you keep up with the latest
top 40 hits? Do you know your Snoop Doggy Dogg from your Hootie and the
Blowfish? Have you been foogiefied pushing shopping carts down the
Hollywood Blvd selling orange halves and preaching the gospel according
to Neal and Barbra?
   "We'll if you're an aluminus of old school pop music, you'll be
intrigued to learn that old is new again. 
   "I'm both proud and embarrased to admit that I'm still collecting top
40 singles as I done all my life. And now I'm compelled to report that
this whole sampling deal has gotten way out of hand.
   "I know I should be the last person to complain about sampling with
all the sound bytes I steal ... er ... borrow. But sampling in today's
popular music has evolved, or devolved, from civil snippets of oldies, as
in say for example, guitar hooks from Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" used to
punctuate Tone Loc's timeless classic "Funky Cold Medina." And that's Van
Halen's "Jaime's Cryin'" in "Wild Thing" also from Tone Loc. 
   "But now they're using entire sections of past hits looped as the
foundation for new songs. 
   "An early example was 15 (D.T. sez 16 but who's counting?) years ago
when the Sugarhill Gang did Chic's "Good Times" as the foundation for
"Rapper's Delight". (Mixers sometimes mixed the two songs for the dance
floors by playing the Chic beginning verses, then fading in the Delight
while fading out the Chic, played the Delight, then faded in the rest of
that Chic song and faded out the Delight song, and record mixing was born
so I think.) 
   "M.C. Hammer brought this approach to the Top Ten in 1990 when he
turned Rick James' "Superfreak" into "You Can't Touch This" (I can't WATCH
this.) and Prince's (or O|+>'s) "When Doves Cry" into "Pray". 
   "The first such number one hit is "Ice Ice Baby" from Vanilla Ice (But
we don't like that song. You gotta like it, it's number one. But we don't
like ... MACHINEGUN FIRE) which used and abused "Under Pressure" by David
Bowie and Queen. 
   "In the intervening years, there have been countless occurrences of
such sampling madness of Top Ten Billboard hits. For example, is this
Michael McDonald's (now I gotta have a Big Mac) "I Keep Forgettin'" or
"Regulate" from Nate Dog and Warren G.?
   "I could go on and on, but what prompted this expose are two
consecutive number one singles currently on the chart (as of the
Billboard Sep 30, 1995 Hot 100 Chart). Don't be fooled by Coolio's
"Gangsta's Paradise", it's really "Pasttime Paradise" from Stevie
Wonder's 1976 album "Songs Of The Key Of Life" (this Coolio tune and
others are kinda like parodies in the sense that they use the same melody,
instruments, keys, tempo, etc, though, like a parody, the words and/or
subject are different.) 
   "and as for Mariah Carey's latest smash "Fantasy", has more than a
little help of "Genius Of Love" from 1982 by the Talking Heads' spinoff
group, Tom Tom Club. 
   "But it is nice to see the samples are giving credit to the samplees
these days.
   "But I tell you, sampling is so prevalent, that Whitman's chocolates
has gone into record producing. Get it? Whitman's Samples?
   "It is rather confusing so I suppose it's best to plead ignorant to
the whole deal. I thought gangsta rap was some kind of ... SIRHAN SARAN.
   "We'll I'm waiting for the next generation when they sample songs with
samples."
 

  
Demented News: 1/14/96 (KSCA 10/8/95)

   OVER THE TOP (WW) -- "Alright, all you party animals out there, you have
any hot concert tickets? 
   "1996 looks to be the most demented year for live entertainment."

   ONE (WW) -- "Mick Jagger's plan for a double bill with Bruce
Springsteen has fallen through. They're citing creative differences, it's
like they say, a Rolling Stone gathers ... NO BOSS."

   TWO (WW) -- "Meanwhile, Keith Richards is set to perform with Roger
McGuinn and David Crosby. Concert promoters call it ... BILLING TWO BYRDS
WITH ONE STONE."

   THREE (WW) -- "The double bill of the hour! U2 with the B-52s was
cancelled after two performances. The show was ... A BOMB!"

   FOUR (WW) -- "And we're all hoping that "Weird Al" Yankovic will head
back on tour. His last concert performance left everyone committing
random acts of kindness and sensless courtesy. Dementologists are calling
the phenomenom a classic case of ... WEIRD AL TRUISM."
 
   FIVE (WW) -- "And speaking of classic cases, be on the lookout for one
of the today's top vocal quartets touring with the Dementia Symphony. Yes,
new jack meets old Phil with ... Boyz II Mendelson."

   SIX (WW) -- "A new production of the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar
has announced a '96 tour, and this time featuring Judas Priest, Gensis,
Madonna, Peter Gabriel, Peter Paul and Mary, and Jesus and Mary Chain.
Although it's a production of Biblican proportions, promoters insist it's
not for profit."

   SEVEN (WW) -- "and watch for a revealing TV miniseries on the life of
Napoleon. In this account of the French emperor, we even learn about his
eating habits. For example, do you know Napoleon's favorite part of a
chicken? The Boney part, of course."

   EIGHT (WW) -- "Then there's the wildly entertaining history on ice
heading for your local chalet. Spotlighting the social stratification
system of India. And featuring the original ... CASTS. Otherwise, it would
be ... FEUDAL."

    
Demented News: 1/21/96 (KSCA 11/19/95)
  
  BINNEY & MRS. SMITH'S EDIBLE CRAYONS (WW) -- "Ok now, fess up, remember
in grade school gettin high? Sniffin those freshly mimeographed test
papers? Or taste testing the paste during arts and crafts? Well we did
start to equate the term "non-toxic" with "FDA approved." Well, for the
new generation of kids, the crayon has become formiddable finger food
fodder among those pint-sized human garbage disposals.
  "In recent years, a special line of crayon has been manufactured
bosting food scents. Now the aromas of coconut, licorice, chocolate,
cherry, blueberry, and bubblegum has been injected into the appropriate
corresponding crayon colors, prompting parents to call Crayola to
complain that their children were chowing down on the colored sticks, and
they're kids, I should say, cause it sounds like it must be part goat.
  "And in response, Crayola has yanked the food-colored crayons from the
toy store shelves, and replace them with what they call fun scents. The
former black-licorice scent is now the smell of leather jackets,
chocolate has been replaced with the smell of dirt, the pink bubblegum
crayon now smells like shampoo, and the old blueberry scent now exudes
the aroma of new cars.
  "And the folks at the crayon factory, I guess that would be the old
factory, hoped that the pesky tykes will learn to keep the product on the
pallet, and out of their palluts. I mean color me obvious, but why not
just bring back the Trident true crayons smell. 
  "And while I wish them the best, but now it looks like for my next
concoction of Playdoh pie, with the crimped Crayola crust, I'll have to
add that much more chocolate syrup to my Elmer's custard filling."

  THE PRISMER (WW) -- "And from the truth is stranger is fiction file,
comes a tale of a 64-year-old Florida man accused by authorities of
fathering at least one and perhaps all nine of his 44-year-old sister's
children. 
  "The man identified only as William had his trial postponed until mid
1996 after warning authorities that prosecuting him would doom society
because he needs six more months to complete his work on the prism, a
wooden table with a hole in the middle in which William stands.
  "William promises that his prism would enable him to harness all the
world's energy to control the weather and the fighting in Bosnia and make
the state's child welfare office obsolete. Said William: the prism is the
only way humanity will get out of limbo. 
  "Funny, I thought the only way to get out of limbo is to ... raise a
little cane."
 


Demented News: 1/28/96 (KSCA 1/7)
   HOOTIE NEW YEAR! (WW) -- "Well, it's 1996 still in its proverbial
infancy. I can tell already it's not going to be my year. I mean nothing's
been going right, and curiously enough, I've been receiving similar
complaints from other fated and jaded dementoids & dementites, but the
ship really hit the sand when I heard that "Hootie And The Blowfish" just
sold its 12 millionth album. 
   And hold on to your holocaust, it gets better, Hootie's "Cracked Rear
View" now officially replaces Led Zeppelin's "4" as Atlantic Records'
all-time best-selling album.
   Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Hootie And The Blowfish, but
I'm not getting up for them either. Where's the excitement? The hootsbud?
The backeards masking? Well I guess it's not as bad as the time Boyz II
Men broke Elvis Presley's record for most weeks at #1 on the [Billboard]
singles chart. But 12 million Hooties? Try some decaf you frenzied
American consumer.
   Good for you Hootie and the Blowfish, whatever you are. You've pushed
Led Zeppelin down the Stairway to Heck! And as we continue to reflect upon
our history thru your symbolic cracked rear view, equally may we
disorient ourselves toward the future gazing fixedly through the wrong end
of life's binoculars."

   YOU CAN PLAY MY SEGA (WW) -- "As many of you already know, I am a
videogame junkie collecting home systems and arcade machines. (Hey, Will,
you could do a TV show about this!) And yes I remain a loyal Sega snob,
currently fully involved with the Sega Saturn (and DT is still loyal to
his old Atari VCS). 
   Now with increased competition from the Phony Lame Station and the
64-bit white elephant on the way from Pretendo, here's consumer reporter
92-year-old Mimi with a technical analysis of the latest videogame
system..."

   Mimi: "they said the 5200 had 64 K's, and they said that Colecovision
had 16 K, everybody knows, that the perfect graphics 16 um uh ooo, 16,
uhh, stoney baloney."

   "Hey thanks Mimi, better go and boot up your Vic 20 and finish your
thesis on Can Asteroids Conquer Space Invaders?" 
    
    

Demented News: 2/4/96 (KSCA 1/14)

   I SWINE FOR ICE CREAM (WW) -- "You know, it's against the law to feed
garbage to pigs? Gotta wonder how those daytime talk shows get away with it.
   "But seriously, a special permit will allow you to feed to pigs.
   "Well, a Dreyer's Grand Ice Cream company truck learned the hard way
recently when an ammonia leak in an Northern California house damaged
packages holding $6 million worth of ice cream.
   "What to do with 300,000 gallons of tainted ice cream? Dreyers
officials couldn't be sure if this stuff was fit for human consumption, so
it couldn't be donated to Jerry. Then a mid-winter heat wave hit the area
prompting officials to move quickly, so is Dreyer's taken to the
cleaners? The ice cream was insured.
   "Dreyer's found a pig farmer in the San Joaquin Valley who was willing
to take the obnoxious neaopolitian, and before you could say salmonella
sundae, more than 70 truck loads arrived at the farm. But the farmers
soon realized that there was far more ice cream than his poor pigs could
eat. 
   "So, the remaining tainted tutti-frutti was dumped in a nearby field
to be plowed under. But a rising mountain of ransom rocky road quickly
attracted the hungry and the curious. That's when the law interviened.
   "Citing a public health nuiscance and charging the farmer with failing
to obtain a license to feed garbage to pigs. But then there I'll bet
wouldn't have been a problem if the ice cream had been ... HOG-EN DAZS!
   "The farmer is facing a stiffer penalty, however, for illegal
production of alcoholic beverages.
   "Sure, everyone knows that when you feed ice cream to pigs, it makes
... SWINE COOLER!"


   SPANK ME GOOD (WW) -- "In other news, the public safety committee in
Sacramento, California, just approved a bill allowing judges to spank
graffiti vandals. The bill is sponsored by assemblyman Bill Conroy. It was
inspired by the 1994 singapore case when American student Michael Fay
received four whacks with a cane for spray painting cars.
   The bill would allow judges to dish out as many as ten whacks to the
delinquent. Hoping to nip encouragable youth from the perverbial butt.
   Conroy has a collection of paddles of varying dimensions in his office
and described a hardwood paddle that looks like a cricket bat to impose
his justice. 
   Of course you know who the judges would assign to administer the
spanking, don't you? THE SWAT TEAM, of course!" 

                                               
   "Well that's the BOTTOM line from The Demented News!"



Demented News: 2/11/96 (KSCA 1/21)

   IN THE JOHN WITH BRIDE AND GROOM (WW) -- "Boy I tell you, the
institution of marraige has gone to pot, literally. 
   "A Taiwan couple just got married the other day inside a public
bathroom. Bride Choo Choo Kwai designed the bathroom located in a public
park in the central city of Tai Chun. And her groom Lee Long Tong built
it. 
   "She said since the bathroom is the creation of me and my husband, it
is very meaningful to us and therefore we decided to have our ceremony in
here. 
   "The couple said that the lavatory came complete with elaborate
decorations cost about $1 million.
   "Public Opinion is RUNNING HOT AND COLD over the ceremonies' locale.
   "The institution of marraiges has gone DOWN THE DRAIN with this one.
   "But you gotta admit, the whole bathroom wedding scenario is feeding
fodder frenzy for the precociuos punster.
   "Sure, use your ... HEAD!
   "Was the Wedding March played in a .. PIPE organ?
   "And I guess they didn't have to go through too far for the bridal ...
SHOWER!
   "Where did the groom get the ring? From the ... BATHTUB?
   "Speak now or forever ... HOLD IT!
   "The bathroom is the perfect place for a honey-... MOON!
   "At the reception, they showed DRAINMAN starring Christopher PLUMBER
and Farrah FAUCET!
   "Oh and then there was TAP dancing in CLOGS!...
   "To Elton JOHN music!
   "and they showed a W.C. (get it?) Fields film, but it was out of SINK!
   "and you know, if Choo Choo cheats, Long Tong can always SEWER for
divorce.
   "sorry, I got BOWLED over.
   "TANKS for listening."


    JAM UP JELLY TIGHT (WW) -- "In other news, the windshild of Cathy
Wolf's car was shattered by a falling carton of several hundred jars of
marmalade which dropped from a transcontinental airliner the other day.
Oujian Airlines was unable to explain how the two cartons of Dickens Fancy
Sweet Marmalade fell from one of its planes shortly after takeoff from
N.Y. International Airport. 
   "FAA officials have later determined that a catering service left the
two cases on the doors of the plane's landing gear where they were
forgotten. Of course, the falling jellys quickly SPREAD creating the
area's honest to goodness TRAFFIC JAM.
   "So I guess the plane's doors were AJAR!
   "I hope the airline takes responsibility for the accident and dosen't
WELCH, right?" 




Demented News: 2/18/96 (KSCA 1/28)

  ANOTHER ONE RODE THE BUS TOO MANY TIMES (WW) -- "Ann Smith of England
left her husband after nine months of marriage due to what she thought
were his unusual obsession with buses. 
  "Mark Smith took his new bride on a tour of bus garages for their
honeymoon and became angry when she elected to clean his collection of
36,000 bus photos, and crashed his car while he was looking at a bus,
sending her to the hospital. 
  "Well, the crowning blow came in the other day when Mark took the bus
home from work, well, they have a very small garage, you see (rimshot). 
  "And he changed his religion; every Sunday morning, he goes to MASS
TRANSIT. 
  "And what is it with buses anyway? Tell me, what did we start spelling
buses B-U-S-E-S? Really now, B-U-S-E-S is beyou-sess, not buses. I meam
who just arbitrarily decides to break logic linguistic laws for no
apparent reason? Or is it all part of a stratefication of American society
as the exploding urban underclass becomes the source of popular culture
for the majority, or maybe it was someone just trying to save his ... ES? 


  A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME (WW) -- "Video pirates, that is.
  "The Motion Picture Association of America has reported that three video
piracy defendants have been sent to prison in California following a raid in
an underground of video duplicating laboratories. 
  "Among the videos seized were several thousand illegal copies of
Pocahontas. No fines were levied against the pirates for those bootlegs.
Why is that? You see, Pocahontas was never a member of the ... SUE TRIBE. 
  "Well, all she asks is community service serving time looking for Uncle
Chief Auto Parts. 
  "Yea, but you have to know how to fix ... INJUNS." 


Demented News: 2/25/96 (KSCA 2/4)

  HOT LINE (WW) -- "The Los Angeles Police Department is up in arms over
the public's abuse of the city's emergency 911 phone hot line.
  "It seems that Angelinos are unclear as to what constitutes an
emergency, and so the 911 system is clogged with thousands of unnecessary
calls.
  "For every legitimate emergency call, such as 'I'm Falling And I Can't
Get Up', there's a frivilous one like 'I'm going to the Aerosmith
concert, and I was wondering what kind of drugs I should take'. And yes,
for every 'Help Me!', there's a 'hello?'.
  "According to LAPD statistics, 325,000 calls to 911 went unanswered in
1995, prompting the local safety committee to approve a $300,000 request
to install 16 new emergency dispatchers. Police chief Willie Williams has
compiled a list of some of the most unnecessary 911 calls; among them,
calls for traffic conditions, winning lotto numbers, and directions to
Disneyland. 
  "Plans for an 11-digit toll-free hotline are in the works, but there is
a concern for having to dial so many numbers during an emergency
situation. As it is, people call directory assistance to ask them for the
phone number of 911 (rimshot), or perhaps the solution is a menu-driven
system, it's always a crowd pleaser." 

  FEDUARY UP WITH FEBUARY (WW) -- "Boy, will I be glad when this month is
over! 
  "I have the darndest time pronouncing Feb-brew-ware-ree. It just doesn't
flow naturally on the tip of the tongue. And C'mon now, it's not
Feb-beyou-airy either, cause you sure don't wanna be like those ignorami
who take pictures of pointsettas and harrassed by mischevious nucleas
oppossums. 
  "Hey, don't believe me, look it up at the ... LIBARY! (rimshot)" 

 
 
Demented News: 3/3/96 (KSCA 2/11)

  "Filing the DeFranco Family right next to Def Leppard in my alphabetical
record collection, I'm Whimsical Will and it's time for the Demented
News."
  D.T.: Let me stop the news for just a moment. Now, this DeFranco song
he played "Lovebeat", that was the first time I heard that in 23 years and
this was the subject of conflict. You see, my teen sister at that time was
infatuated with this DeFranco boy singer and she kept playing that stupid
song over and over and over again. One day, after she began playing it
again for the 993rd time, I ran into her room, took the needle and
scratched the record with it.
  Chong: "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU RUINED MY RECORD, MAN, I JUST
BOUGHT IT!"
  D.T.: and then she got mad and hit me, and I took the record and
slammed it against the wall shattering it into pieces. Mom got mad and
punished me for a week. She bought another DeFranco record out of my
allowance and I busted it immediately. I told my mom I didn't want to
hear that stupid record ever again. Sure, I can put up with the
Carpenters and Helen Reddy, then again I had the hots for Karen and Helen
at that time at 13, but NO MORE DEFRANCO. So, mom required my sister to
use the headphones on the phonograph when she was playing it. She didn't
like it, so mom ordered her to not play the record while I was in the
house. She agreed. Eventually, she got sick of Tony DeFranco and switched
to Elton John. I didn't have the heart, or the mind, to tell her that
Elton was gay, but then again, I liked his music.
  Enough lecture. Now, on with the news...
  
  PICK ON MILLI VANILLI AGAIN '96 (WW) -- "Milli Vanilli is jaily vanaily?
  "Rob Pilatus, half of the infamous dubbing duo, was arrested in
Hollyweird on suspicion of attempted auro burgularly and threatening harm
to the car's owner and family.
  "Los Angeles police said that Pilatus was taken into custody after
being struck upside the head with a baseball bat..."
  Ramones: "He taught the brat with a baseball bat, oh yeah, oh yeah,
o-ho."
  "...by the owner of the car in question. We'll time hasn't changed
things. Pilatus is still out of sync with the times. All this from a man
who once dubbed himself and his Milli-Vanilli co-conspirators Fab
Morovan well performers. Wow, that's DEEP, huh?
  "But wait! We've just received word that Pilatus is freed once again,
thanks to a jury of his peers. Yes, it seems that the jury was ...
DREAD-LOCKED!"


  GUMBY A FELON? (WW) -- "Gumby, that lean-green clay humanoid has been
convicted of cruelty to animals. The whole deal centered on surrounding
questionable activity with his pony pal, Pokey, marking the first time a
convict has been kept ... AWAY FROM THE POKEY!"
  execution squad general: "FIRE AT WILL!"
  Eddie Murphy: "Not Gum, Gumby, I'm Gumby Dammit! My name is not Gum!"
  
   
  SCHOOLHOUSE CHOMP (WW) -- "In other news, a judge in Ireland rejected
plans for a restraunt called School Dinners, featuring meals served by
young and women in short skirts, wielding whips against patrons who didn't
clean their plates. Though opponents called the restaraunt immoral, the
judge said that the mox spankings would constitute entertainment, or just
fordibben by the lease. And the restaurant already had a waiting list for
job openings. Said one disapponted applicant 'We've had 25 years of
oppression, now is the time for the fun to come flooding back'. Spankings
by feisty infests for not finishing your meal. I have a feeling it would
be an awful lot of waste of food. I'll have a SAUCY DISH to go, or maybe
something from the ALL YOU CAN BEAT salad bar." 



Demented News: 3/10/96 (KSCA 2/18)

  GIMME A HEAD WITH JENNIFER ANISTON'S HAIR ... NOT (WW) -- "Ray Mitchell
the third was suspended from 12th grade at a Technical School in
Pennsylvania after he reported to his carpentry class with his hair
arranged into seven-inch spikes.
  "According to Lamarr Snyder, the hairstyle is dangerous to Mitchell's
classmates. Snyder explains that if one student saw him walk into his
classroom, he would become alarmed, look up from their tools, and possibly
hurt themselves.
  "Actually, there is a place in school for students with spiked heads.
That would be ... a pinder garden. What's that, you didn't get the POINT?
But I've always believed we should subject inruly students to the hall
minotar."

  Whimsical Will once again paid a visit to his favorite ride at an
amusement park.

  DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY (WW) -- "Now here's a scary stuff item that just
can't wait for Halloween.
  "It's a track from the new album West Side Story Various Artists, it's
Little Richard singing I Feel Pretty. (SCREAM!)
  "And tune in next time to hear k.d. lang sing I Am Woman."
 


Demented News: 3/17/96 (KSCA 2/25)

  I SMOKE TWO JOINTS BEFORE I SMOKE TWO JOINTS AND THEN I SMOKE TWO MORE
(WW) -- "Ok, now, let me preface the following story with a disclaimer
that I do not condone a recreational use and abuse of mind-altering
substances. In fact, I have never indulged in such things. The Demented
News is hallucingenetic enough for me, right?
  "Nevertheless, a study just released by Harvard's MacLean Hospital in
Boston, Massachusetts, reports that people who smoke marijuana heavily at
least two out of every three days may have trouble paying attention
performing simple tests even a day after going without the drug.
  "According to the research, marujiana's after effects on thinking might
result from drug residue in the brain from drug withdrawl or from actual
damage to the nervous system. Now, researchers couldn't be sure which,
cause frankly, they weren't paying attention."

  SING ME A SONG BARRY MANILOW (WW) -- "Pop music legend (?) Barry
Manilow enjoyed his first publicity in years when he got tangled in a four
vehicle accident during the recent Southern California rainstorm. He was
at the ... COPA, COPACARBANGUP.
  "We'll, Manilow wasn't hurt and he spent an hour on the shoulder of the
freeway signing autographs..."
  PP: "This is Popsicle Phil with a traffic report. Traffic is slow on
interstate 5 and watch out for Barry Manilow in traffic lanes. It seems
his career has ... STALLED ... and with the rain falling, he appears to
be all ... WASHED UP."
  "Cool, how about a new version of the videogame Frogger, only with, uh,
Barry Manilow as the Frogger? Well after all, he is considered a ...
MIDDLE OF THE ROAD performer."

  HAPPY 21ST FOR THE 101st TIME! (WW) -- "And from the south of France is a
story of Jeanne Calmul who released a pop CD on her 121st birthday. She's
the Guinness Book Of Records' oldest person of the world (whose date of
birth can be authenticated as required by the Book). Calmul's album called
"Time's Mistress" features her speaking to rap rhythms.
  "Now the whole deal has made our own Mimi a tad jealous. 
  Mimi: "And that makes me FURIOUS!"
  "Mimi turns 93 this month (March 1996) and has been rapping the lyrics
of the likes of Moon Zappa, Tone Loc, and MC Hammer for years. And while
I'd hate to think that...huh? Oh, hi Mimi? What are you doing?"
  Mimi: "I've had it with you, you Popsicle Phil."
  "We'll I was just doing a story..."
  Mimi: "Come here you!"
  "Huh?"
  Mimi: "Open your mouth!"
  "Ahhh! Mmmm mmm mm mmm " (will has some cloth in his mouth)
  Mimi: (spanks Will) "Now I'm going to do my song for you." (She does
Madonna's Justify My Love)
  "mmam mammm nmm m mmmm"
  Mimi: "Shut up Popsicle Phil! I said shut up!"
 



Demented News: 3/24/96 (KSCA 3/3)

  DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT NOTHING (WW) -- "Alright, how about those walking
encyclopedias at the '96 Olympics Headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. 
  "See, they recently learned that New Mexico is a state. Way Miller of
Santa Fe, New Mexico, called the Olympics ticket office to place an
order, and when he gave the operator his address, she told him she could
not sell tickets to someone who lives outside of the U.S. 
  "Miller tried to convince the woman that New Mexico has been a state
since 1912, telling her "it's right next to Arizona, underneath Colorado,
next to Texas and Oklahoma." The woman supervisor who got on the phone
next was equally clueless, telling Miller "New Mexico, Old Mexico, it
doesn't matter, you have to go through your nation's Olympic Committee."
  "Miller had to take his mail to a Phoenix, AZ, address, though, I would
have enjoyed creating further havoc with Athens, Georgia, or a Paris
(actually spelled Perris), California refferal. 
  "The spokesman for the Olympics has apologized to everybody in New
Mexico. What do you say we make topography an Olympic event, and blow
these ticket-selling Randic-McNallys off the map by recruiting them for
the ... lighting round in Carmen San Diego. (I thought the Lighting Round
was on Password?)"

  ENGLISH 102 (WW) -- "Ok, so you've all heard my egonatrical tirades
lamenting the abuse of the English language. No lectures this time, but
I do get my shoelaces in a knot when some blithering idiot asks me "Where
something is AT?" or "that they COULD care less", and especially when
these ignorami spew forth words which they're obviously unqualified to
use.
  "Oh, I'm far from Seskwavadalian (is that an Indian tribe, Will?), but I
am proposing a new oratory ordinance, a linguistic law, making it a felony
to verbalize any word you cannot SPELL correctly. (Tom Lehrer sez don't
write dirty words on the wall if you can't spell).
  "Think about it for a moment. Even the huddled masses will be reduced to
unttering monosyllablic grunts hoping chance, or we will all be forced to
cram to save our lives. Either way, I'll bet there'll be a lot less
dinner table chatter about pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
(Ha ha, Will, I saw this word on Zoom in 1972! Ha Ha! It's in the
dictionary! O.K. Will, if you're so smart, try saying it in the Ubbi-Dubbi
language!) Or i'd really throw the book at you. 
  "I guess this new law would make spelling bees a real STING operation."
 


Demented News: 3/31/96 (KSCA 3/10)

  IT'S A DEAD MAN'S PARTY (WW) -- "Mr. Death is sick to you-know-what of
people mispronouncing his name. Lawrence Arvard Death who raises cows in
Alberta, Canada, has served notice to the government that he's changing
his family name. 
  "According to Mrs. Death, it's an old British name actually pronounced
"Deeth". So, the family plans to change the spelling to D-E-E-T-H to avoid
further confusion. Yes, a little ... VOWEL MOVEMENT (ugh, lousy pun) ...
makes Mr. Deeth a regular guy, but I guess he could forget about that
cooperative crossover deal with Dr. Kevorkian."

  JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR (WW) -- "In other big name news, there's a story
of an Army sargent stationed in Maryland who won a court order legally
changing his name to Jesus Christ Hallejuah. 
  "But, a day after the change, he petitioned the court to change his
name back to Tyrone Victor Wright. That's W-R-I, G-H-T, M-O-U-S-E. An old
British name pronounced ... Deefe."

  THE NAME OF THE GAME (WW) -- "and while we're playing the game, how
about Anthony Hicks of Great Britian, an avid fan of the rock band Level
42, remember them?
  "Hicks, who is 42, changed his name to include the group's personnel
line of album titles. Hicks is now legally known as ... At Level 42 The
Pursuit Of Accidents The Early Tapes Standing In The Light True Colors A
Physical Presence World Machine Running In The Family Running In The
Family Platinum Edition Staring In The ... (Ah the heck with it!)
  "Yea, like he couldn't be a fan of M or someting.
  "But enough with a 58-word moniker, you can call hicks by his nickname,
it's an old British name with the pronounciation: you guessed it, Bernie
Lebowitz."

  BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP (WW) -- "In a feat never before accomplished in
mammals, scientists have found a way to turn a laboratory dish full of
cells into hundreds of genetically indentical sheep.
  "Scientists in Scotland took the cells from an embryo, threw thousands
of copies in the lab, and then used the copies to produce sheep from ewes.
Experts say that the tecnique can be perfected only a breakthrough in
making genetic changes in livestock for research in human comsumption.
  "American TV executives have heard of the accomplishment and promptly
recruited the cloned sheep for the studio audience of the Ricki Lake Show."
  (And that audience too has a name. it's an old British name with the
pronounciation: you guessed it, Lamb Chops!)

  I'M SICK OF IT (WW) -- "and speaking of offensice television
programming, how about this "V" chip whoopla?
  "Forget the sax and violins, I preferred to be warned when intelligence
insulting programming is immenient, or perhaps the inverse that would
require fewer bells and whistles.
  "Well I'm delighted to report that this great radio station has
installed such a warning device in the system, guaranteed to pull the
plug on any obnoxious egonamonical ranting and raving on all programming
annoying..."

  BEEEP!!! SNOW!

  Oh Will, hello?
   
  Whimsical Will? 
  
  Where are you?
  
  Oops, looks like the "W" chip was installed by mistake; it
intercepted his Demented News and knocked it off the air. Oh well, I'll
finish up with one more news item for him.

  TV NAMES (DT) -- "In Burbank, comes the happy news that a couple gave
birth to a bouncing baby girl.
  "Yes, the new parents have wasted no time in naming the little infant,
but they seem to have been in some kind of argument and couldn't decide
on which names to name the kid.
  "So, in order to make them both happy, they simply combined their
choices into one name based on the characters of the classic TV show The
Brady Bunch.
  "So, let's now welcome into the family: Carol Florence Henderson Mike
Robert Reed Alice Ann B. Davis Greg Barry Williams Marcia Maureen
McCormick Peter Christopher Knight Jan Eve Plumb Bobby Mike Lookinland
Cindy Susan Olsen Brady Smith-Jones.
  "Well, not to be outdone, another new couple outdid the Smith-Jones
family with this for their own baby girl. They too have been watching too
much TV...
  "Gilligan Bob Denver Skipper Alan Hale Thurston Howell III Jim Backus
Lovey Natalie Schaefer Ginger Tina Louise Professor Russell Johnson
Maryann Dawn Wells Johnson-Albertson.
  "But, things were meant to get even weirder as another newborn couple
decided to name their own infant son"
  "It was an old British name pronounced Deefe."