Demented News: 4/7/96 (KSCA 3/17)

  WALK THIS WAY (WW) "Santa Clarita, California, is the latest of a few
hundred cities across the country to install new pedestrial educational
signs at most of its crosswalks.
  "Warning labels are necessary because too many people have been calling
city halls across the country completely confused whether they should
keep walking or turn around and go back when the red hand starts flashing.
  "These are the same rocket scientists rainmen who need to be rescued
when their escalator shuts down.
  "Scientists explaining how to cross a street will be located above the
push button and will read the green walking figure means start crossing
while you watch for cars; the flashing red hand means don't start crossing
but if in the crosswalk, finish crossing the street; a red hand means
don't cross, stay on the curb.
  "A stick figure jumping up and down and waiving its arms means run for
your life!
  "Ahh, stupid signs for a stupid society, but perhaps the most
ridiculous traffic sign I've experienced was found along an onramp to the
Hollywood freeway. It's posted just before the onramp stoplight and so
brilliantly advises Do Not Stop On Green. No lie; taxpayer dollars at
work on that one. But perhaps the sign was for me after all; I needed
proof the sign existed, so I stopped on green to snap a photo."


  Kid: "Whimsical Will has the intelligence of a small soap dish."


  I HATE THE BEATLES (WW) -- "A recent desicion by the U.K.'s national pop
radio outlet, BBC Radio 1, not to add the new Beatles song "Real Love"
to its playlist has been controversial.
  "Station controller, Matthew Bannister, says the record is not
sufficently fab. Now, the Beatles were the greatest rock and roll band in
the world, Bannister said, but "Real Love" isn't suitable for our
playlist."

  Aunt Mimi: "A beautiful song. Slightly repetetious, but nevertheless,
beautiful."

  "He suggested it's neither a strong song nor a strong performance.
  "The BBC Radio has been criticized recently for its quality of its
programming and they're trying to get all the ... BUGS OUT OF THEIR
PLAYLIST."

 
  WINTER ROCKS (WW) -- "In other music news, classic rockers Johnny and
Edgar Winter are suing DC Comics for defamation of character.
  "A 1995 comic book series called Writers Of The Worm And Such features a
pair of half-human homocidal perverted Western villians named Johnny and
Edgar Autumn. Actually, the characters are finly veiled with the same
albino characteristics of the Winter brothers, and Johnny and Edgar are
so worried about this case it has been reportedly giving them ... DARK
HAIR."
 


Demented News: 4/14/96 (KSCA 3/24)

  Editors note about the song Whimsical Will used about girls liking the
cars that go boom: Hey, if that's what you like, just throw a lighted
match into the gas tank. Then It'd really go BOOM!

  I GOT A LINE ON YOU BABE (WW) -- "Make that got ON line.
  "California's attorney general and an Orange County legislator want to
go on the internut, er, internet to round up a posse of cyberspace crime
fighters.
  "It's an arresting development as state officials showed up a world wide
web home page that would make the pictures and descriptions of thousands
of wanted criminals available to anyone who has access.
  "This is nothing new, of course, for years, Spiderman has been catching
criminals with a WEB. (RIMSHOT) With some help from a Mighty MOUSE too.
What do we say we log on for an update on this new MODEM of law
enforcement..."

  The comedy bit "Inter Net" by Whimsical Will is then played.
  The words: "My name is Chip. I patrol the information superhighway. I
just pulled over a bus exceeding the baud rate and about to crash.
  "I was hard driving back to the database after debugging the web that
was addressed to dot-com, my cyberchick, and an interactive e-mail with
double-density floppys to boot.
  "You might color my Prodigy."
  Dot: "Hi Chip, you got some postings on the bulletin board. Oh, and
here's a fax." 
  Chip: "I want the fax, ma'am. Just the fax. None of that BBS. Curses!
Just what I expected. That notoroius drankenhacker Saint George had
logged on and was spreading the virus throughout cyberspace. It could be
terminal." 
  Dot: "How are you gonna catch it?"
  Chip: "I'd thought you'd never ask. With an Inter-Net."
  End comedy bit, and back to the news.

  "So like does this make Dragnet's Joe Friday the original ... WEB SITES?"

  Editor: "I thought a Dragnet was a bunch of cross-dressers in a posse."
  

  I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE (WW) -- "Airforce jets staging a military exercise
rocked North Western Oregon just the other day with a pair of thundersonic
booms.
  "And coastal residents panicked thinking a tidal wave was heading their
way.
  "Authorities in aptly-named Cannon Beach have activated the sunomi
warning system sending virtually the entire town running for higher
ground.
  "Even Eugene, Oregon, dementoid Jane Sather was shaken and she headed
for a safe altitude clutching three volumes of althgories (whatever) and
a shoe box full of Al Stewart's CDs.
  "But keep your ear to the ground for further developments from this town
of jumping conclusions. Cause tomorrow night, the local radio station is
running War Of The Worlds."


  THE TAXMAN FROM HELL RETURNS (WW) -- "So how are ya coming on your tax
return? 
  "That's right. Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after
tomorrow, right?
  "So, by underwhelming demand, here's a little tax rap to totally
confuse you...
  "Enter the number of dependents that you claim on line 2 when exemptions
match deductions be sure to write in blue divide your total income by
twice your area code and multiply your street address by the time your
car's been towed if line 7's less than 4 but more than half as much
against subtract the dimples on a golf ball by the square root of 10 then
add the barometric pressure to the year that you were born and tune in
next time kids and well discuss the long form.
  "And did you hear about the prostitute who owes $100,000 in back taxes? I
could only imagine what her front owes, right?"

  Well I'm Whimsical Will and that's your taxing Demented News.
  


Demented News: 4/21/96 (KSCA 3/31)

  MAN ON THE LOON (WW) -- "The man who sought to convince the world that
there was a human-like face peering at us from Mars is now trying to prove
someone at some time left a glass dome and others structures on the moon.
  "What's more, says Richard Hoplind, NASA knew it from taking photographs
by Apollo astronauts and even hiding the fact for nearly three decades.
NASA, of course, denys Hopland's claim, insisting that everything they
found they made public. Hopland described the objects that could be seen
in an official NASA photographs of the lunar landscape as a grecian
temple. Looping cables, a large blob of glass, and a 1 1/2 mile-high
tower. 
  "Scientists who examined the images conclude that the objects look like
magnified blotches of dirt on the window through which the photos were
taken, proving NASA's claim that Hopland's loony lunar discovery are
really ... A PANE."


  FAT IS WHERE ITS AT (WW) -- "A 36-year old Portland Oregon man who weighs
405 pounds is suing Denny's Incorporated for $1.3 million dollars because
he said his weight qualifies him as disabled and a restaraunt could not
accomodate his needs.
  "A restaraunt's failure to provide a smoother chair structurally sound
enough to support his girth had left him feeling link a "clown on
parade", and and the thought of rolls of fat spilling over the Denny's
counter barstool kinda gives meaning to the breakfast special ... MOONS
OVER MY HAMMY."

  SCHOOL CHEATING DAYS (WW) -- "Acting on a tip at students taking an Army
entrace exam at Ram Cam Hang University in Thailand are using high-tech
cheating devices tied police at searching more than 10,000 applicants and
arrested 75 students they found wearing diapers equipped with
battery-operated relay radio receivers.
  "Each reportedly paid $1,800 to have answers transmitted to the
students. If this had been a geography test, I could see why you would
want to wear a diaper. To help answer the ... INCONTINENTS questions, of
course. You know, students are PAMPERED enough, how should they be
punished? Well, that DEPENDS. I guess if you're wearing diapers while
taking a test, you wouldn't have to worry about PASSING. And they're not
even finished with NUMBER 1 and NUMBER 2 in the class." 
   
   [and with those electronic devices in the diapers, its too bad they
couldn't stop anything from LEAKING in.] 




Demented News: 4/28/96 (KSCA 4/7)

  DISCO TOILET PAPER (WW) -- "Police used a large roll of toilet paper to
put the squeeze on the school principal suspected of filching bathroom
tissue from his high school.
  "Mr. Ferriner, 57, was suspended Tri County High in Plainfield,
Wisconsin, after a search of his car and office turned up the marked
toilet paper.
  "No immediate charges were filed as the District Attorney is
investigating the extent of thefts.
  "Authorities may have suggested that he may have taken the toilet paper
for a bed and breakfast heors? I dunno, I think the guy was tanked when
he swiped the tissue; he looked a little FLUSHED too. I'm sure that he's a
CHARMIN guy.
  "We'll there shouldn't be anything wrong with stealing toilet paper from
a school. I mean, don't teachers take ROLL everyday?" 

  MAD COW PATTY (WW) -- "A study just released by a German agriculture
federation in Purdue University concludes that cows respond well to the
music of MOOzart, er, Mozart, and show their appreciation by producing
more milk. 
  "A Mozart melody in a manger resulted in "substantially more milk".
  "And to test their theory, scientists pumped up the volume in a barn a
blast of heavy metal from a rock group KISS. The result? The cows mooed
in disapproval and milk production declined.
  "No wonder there were so many mad cows out there. So always be sure that
the milk you drink is pasteurized; with the quality nowadays, you're
lucky if its ... UP TO YOUR CHIN."
  (I don't get it)
  "You wouldn't want it".


  Dementoid Wendy Phillips of Long Beach, California, who calls herself
Whimsical Wendy, asked the perinneal question "what's the most demented
story you've ever covered?"  He scouered the demented news annals once
again, good thing he's annal retentive, and go back to November 1989 for
this most demented moment.
   It's about those mysterious crop field rings in the English farmlands.
He talked about it in a recent issue of The Demento Society News.
   To relive the story: 
   London (WW) November 1989-- "Scientists in London, England are baffled
by those mysterious cropfield rings perfectly neat swirls of flatten crops
up to 100-feet in diameter showed up in the English farmlands each year
and have intrugued researchers for a decade.
   "There have been some theories, electrically-charged spinning balls of
air, helicopters spying upside down, or my favorite theory: Herds of
demented hedghogs rotating in unison with 40,000 running hedghogs running
around at the same time. (Will laughes through his theory and retakes it
several times.)
   "Hey, maybe that's how Sonic the Hedgehog got his start."
 
   


Demented News: 5/5/96 (KSCA 4/14)

   OOOH THAT SMELL! (WW) -- "Now here's a job that really smells. 
   "The San Francisco Department of Public Works says a newly formed odor
task force with officials highly trained in the field of sewer sniffing
has local residents uncovering an unusually powerful stinch in their
neighborhood.
   "They can call public works supervisor, Sam Murray. Bet next time
they'll be a bit more skeptical when someone tells you they work for the
old factory.

   DUDE LOOKS LIKE A TALL LADY (WW) -- "A drag queen and author of a sex
advice column called "Savage Love", has been accepted to a local
Republican convention and is not likely to go quietly with the majority.
   "Dan Savage stands 7 feet 5 and in drag with spiked heels and a
foot-tall hairpiece and has plans for the King County GOP convention in
Seattle will either steer the Republicans to the left or push themselves
far to the right that they'll be rejected by mainstream voters.
   "But you know, crossdressing has always played a major role in
successful politicking; why even Abraham Lincoln's most persuasive
moment came when he gave his Gettysburg ... a dress."

   YOU KNOW MY NAME...NOT! (WW) -- "In other news, the story of a Swedish
couple who were fined $700 for not giving their son a first name. 
   "Well actually, the boy was given a handle, but was deemed
unacceptable by the district court, for although his name is pronounced
Albin, his parents decided it would be spelled...
   Are you ready for this?...

   Brfxxccxxmmpcccclllmmnprxbtclmnckssqlbb11116. M-O-U-S-E.

   "The court rejected the spelling despite the parents' plea that it was
a quote pregnant expressionistic development that we see as an artistic
creation endquote. Looks more like an appregio on a typewriter keys.
   "And this kid has an uncontrollable urge to jump over lazy dogs. But
I suppose things could've been worse for Albin's bad spell. He could've
been given a semi-colon, right? Well, that's a pain in the asterisk. I'll
bet he's ... typo." 

   [At least he wasn't christed with that stupid unpronouncable symbol
Prince now calls himself.] 

    


Demented News: 5/12/96 (KSCA 4/21)

  STREAK THIS BY (WW) -- "If you haven't already reserved a room in
Atlanta for your Olympics trip, you might consider taking off your
clothes!
  "Fitness Magazine says that although rooms in regular hotels are
impossible to find at any price, Atlanta's nudist clubs are ready,
willing, and eager to accomodate Olympic visitors. Well, the clubs are
especially hoping to attract European visitors who are often less
inhibited than Americans.
  "And the price of a room in a nudist colony is usually about $250 a
week, a small fraction of the going rate of those stuffy old places where
people wear clothes. And I suppose you'd best apply the figurative
interpretation of the sign painted at the nudist clubs' window which
reads: "Athletic supporters welcome."
  "Yea, this steal is strictly for the true sports BUFF. 


  OLYMPIC UP THIS (WW) -- "And new events headed to this year's Olympics
competition include the healthful approach to steroids in the deCAFalon.
And the unbelieveably challenging event...VCR Programming, where with
that grueling competition beginning at exactly...12:00 O'clock...12:00
O'clock...12:00 O'clock...12:00 O'clock..." 


  SMUT...I LOVE IT...NOT (WW) -- "Officials in Brockton, Massachusetts,
have come up with a zoning plan that puts smut next to filth.
  "To crack down on local nudie cutie establishments, the city's council
has decided to restrict strip joints to industrial areas near the sewage
treatment plants. Council member Veal Apackard said that the move will
keep out the nude, crude, and rude. 
  "But if the strippers do set up shop there alongside the sewage
treatment facility, it'll give new meaning to ... DIRTY DANCING!
  "And what better place to admire a stripper than along the ... WASTE
LINE!" 


  GIMME A BREAK (WW) -- "Women who alleged they wore diapers to work
because they were denied bathroom breaks have settled a class-action
lawsuit. 
  "Terms of the settlement have not been disclosed, but in the lawsuit,
women claim that the manager of an Oxnard California Nabisco Foods plant
have restricted bathroom privileges for female employees, forcing some to
resort to diaper use on the job. 
  "It's just another sign of the times in today's job market. You have to
... MAKE DOO ANY WAY YOU CAN!
  "It kind gives new meaning to ... RANK AND FILE.
  "You gotta remain ... IN DOODY ... at all times."



Demented News: 5/19/96 (KSCA 4/28)

  His Demented Tirade is rerun from last year.



Demented News: 5/26/96 (KSCA 5/5)

  ADDICTED TO STRESS (WW) -- "Now OK, you don't need me to tell you that
life can be stressful. Sometimes, it's all you can do to keep from going
postal.
  "Seems the least little thing that can push you off the deep end
[further than Weird Al did], well I think I've identified the major
cause of my most recent angst: the culprit is the current top ten
[Billboard Magazine] single by Bust-a-Rhyme called "Who Hogg - I Gotch
You All In Check" (sp?, nah who cares?). Well, grab your tranquilizers
and let's give it a listen..."

  [the record is played in part]

  "This auditorious self goes on for five minutes! The video came on and
I just had to take hostages. I don't know what it is but I just can't
handle Who Haa. I need to calm down. Where's my Enya?"

  [plays Enya and calms down]

  [then Who Haa is played again and he gets postal.]

  Weird Al plays "Cat Drinking Milk". As much as he enjoys Enya, he
thinks this is much more relaxing.

  WW: "Hey! Hey!"



  POLLY WANNA CAMPAIGN? (WW) -- "In other news, a leading political party
in India has outraged his competition capturing parrots and teaching them
to recite campaign slogans.
  "The regional party [I won't bother with the Tori spelling of that name]
has demanded that the Indian social Democratic something something Dahl
Organization release all of the parrots he has collected for this unusual
scheme.
  "The Dahl activist captured scores of parrots and clipped their wings
to prevent them from escaping.
  "Don't know if it was left wing or right wing?
  "But you know, this has been going on forever, in fact, parrots are
credited with the orgin of the whole electoral process. There was the
time that parrots swallowed that pocket watch, marking the start of Polly
ticking."

  [yea? what about the time a parrot swallowed my granpa's set of teeth?
That was the beginning of Polly Dent, wasn't it?]

  Parrot: "Rah! D.T. sucks! D.T. sucks! Rah! Wee-ooo!"

  Ronald Reagan: "AW, SHUT UP!"


Demented News: 6/2/96 (KSCA 5/12)
 
  FILL THIS UP! (WW) -- "Well, I'm here at your local gas station where
frustrated motorists are auctioning off their firstborn to pay for a
tank of gas.
  Will interviews a few people.
  "And public transportation ridership has hit an all-time high."
  Will called Sodamn Insane to see if it was him that put us between IRAQ
and a hard place.
  "Tanks for nothing, Sodamn!"
  "Gas prices have become an election year issue, proving you can't fuel
all the people all the time.
  "So when we're talking about the unleaded, are we referring to
American gasoline or the American public?"
   
  GET TWISTER, FROM M.B. (WW) -- "I spent some of my hard-earned gas money
to go see Twister. I was surprised, I mean, I was expecting a documentary
by Milton Bradley on the most popular party game of the 70s.
  "But, hey, the movie really blows, then again, playing Twister in a
twister wouldn't be much of a challenge. The moves would all be the
same. Right foot blue. Left foot blue. And...up, up, and awaaaaaay!"



Demented News: 6/9/96 (KSCA 5/19)

  Pounding For Dollars (WW) -- "A group of researchers at the Army soldiers
system command has created the world's strongest pound cake. 
  "They say this durable dessert can withstand a fall from an airplane and
endure temperatures from -60 to 120 degrees Farenheit and can last for
more than 5 years.
  "Your tax dollars at work on matters of absolute importance to national
security, but I guess they have to raise the Dole somehow.
  "And no word as to the purpose of such a bionic baked good. But you
know, we could've saved some money by subcontracting to fruitcake
factories. 
  "My guess is the recipe for indestructable pound cake is left over from
Operation DESSERT Shield. You remember, guys running around battering each
other with buffet port sneeze guards, it's pretty ugly. That was over there
in the Middle YEAST. It certainly got a RISE out of us. They got their
just DESSERTS. Of course, you know the proper icing to use on such a
patriotic cake, don't you? That would be OFTHEE ICING."

 
  I'M HAVING MY CAKE TO EAT (WW) -- "While we're eating cake, that reminds
me of a long abused cliche in need of rehab.
  "The expression that's a common misuse goes 'You can't have your cake
and eat it too.' It's nonsense that way.  
  "The original expression has been stood on its perverbial head. According
to James Rogers in his dictionary of cliches, the original version dating
back to 1546 reads 'You cannot eat your cake and have it too.'
  "That makes sense, meaning you can't have it both ways. If you HAVE your
cake, you can still eat it, but if you have eaten it, you no lover HAVE
it, unless of course you've bitten off more than you can chew and have a
finger in every pie and your cookies might be tossed into the legendary
porcelain gods collection bowl and he'll be having involuntary sloppy
seconds for days to come."


  JELLY EARTHY (WW) -- "And [why does Will begin his sentences with AND? It
is not grammatically correct] seismologists have their new method of
forecasting earthquakes by watching Jello pudding ripples.
  "In that case, you can have your quake and greet it too."


Demented News: 6/16/96 (KSCA 5/26)

  Not seen this week. 


Demented News: 6/23/96 (KSCA 6/2)

  BREAKING OUT NEWS (WW) -- "Our breaking story in light of the rash of
prison breaks.  A new prison yard wall has been designed guaranteed to
thwart would-be escapees.  Yes, they say the wall is ... NOT BUILT TO
SCALE."

  THAT'S THE NEWS, PERIOD (WW) -- "Speaking of incarceration, I'll betcha
you didn't know that prison establishments are the biggest investors of
period furniture.
  "Well, the ultimate in period furniture is the electric chair.  Why is
that?  Well, you see, it ENDS A SENTENCE.  Yea and Victor Borge can throw
the switch."

  THE DEEFE PENALTY (WW) -- "Ok, so now I feel compelled to offer a
disclaimer professing my concientious objectivity.  I've never been a
proponent of the death penalty.  But I suppose if anyone were to benefit
from capital punishment, it would've been e.e. cummings, right?  But then
it never would have been to the Supreme Court being such a LOWER CASE.
  "He wouldn't have been on death row, but on been on home row, right?  But
I digress, It's most disturbing when the death penalty becomes an election
year campaign issue.  Perhaps you missed this radio spot..."

  AD: "Don't be fooled by politicians who support the death penalty.  Vote
for Bill Slayer.  When it comes to free calculated government sponsored
murder, he wrote the book.
  BILL: "And if I'm elected, I promise to personally with my own two hands
and feet, dismember, maime, strangulate, stomp on, and otherwise kill to
death any criminal ... convicted or not."
  AUDIENCE CHEERS
  AD: "Bill Slayer.  He doesn't just support the death penalty, he is the
death penalty. Bill Slayer.  The man who put a tack on the electric chair."

  THIS AD WAS UNPAID FOR BY THE SADISTIC CREDIT PARTY.

  WEIRD SCIENCE (WW) -- "In other news, researchers at the university
of Washington have invented a hearing aid that's worn around the stomach.
  "Scientists say the skin of the stomach can be trained to detect sound
transformed into electrical impulses. 
  "But you know, this whole stomach ear correalation comes as no surprise
to me.  My stomach always reacts when I hear the music of Yanni or 
John Tesh."

  [Some listeners stomachs also react when they hear his Demented News.
Good thing these reports are not on the radio.]
  
  E.T. LEAVE HOME (WW) -- "Speaking of John, just in case you're looking
for some Tesh, I'm sure you've all heard that he left E.T. after a 10-year
relationship.
  "But I didn't know he was into extraterrestrials.
  "But the truth is, E.T. left Tesh.  It turns out E.T. needed his ...
SPACE.  I guess he's a Amblin kind of guy."

  

Demented News: 6/30/96 (KSCA 6/9)

  YOU TALK TOO MUCH (WW) -- "Well, it may not be P.C., but Karen Peterson
believes thst what drives men crazy are women who won't stop talking.
  "Just last week, a Huntington Beach resident put her theory to the test,
saving her vehicle and possibly her life.
  "Peterson trapped in her Ford Explorer with a car thief had no intentions
of adding her personal stamp to the half need four acronym found on road
dead.
  "So she persuaded the man through her nonstop chattering to release her
and her Explorer.  Negotiating first for to use a T-shirt of hers to wipe
the vehicle free of his fingerprints.
  "Well, the man got away, but it was the rare occasion where the criminal
tells the victim "you have the right to remain silent." And you can be sure
to be more careful next time he carjacks a Ford Explorer. And to make sure
he doesn't get a RAMBLER too."

  K-EARTH QUAKE 101 (WW) -- "Well, it's earthquake season once again.  I
don't care what anyone says, I believe in the effects of temperature
fluctuation on expanding and contracting land mass.  Of course, all I
usually get here in the land of dementia are mirthquakes and laughtershocks.
  "But we are receiving reports of a minor shaker rocking the municipal
building prompting officials to leave without bothering with formality.
  "Yes, the council adjourned ... ON MOTION OF THE CITY HALL."

  GO-GO-ROAD KILL (WW) -- "In other news, the people for the ethical
treatment of animals are up in arms over a dead gopher museum.
  "No, it's not Fred Grandy, the exhibit, which just opened in the tiny
town of Torington, Alberta, Canada, is a whimsical betrayl of daily life 
using dead stuffed gophers deacked out in cute little costumes.
  "In 31 displays, 54 gophers play sports, get a hairdo, preach a sermon,
even rob a bank with the line "Put up your paws!"
  "Well the animal rights group doesn't GO-FER the idea, calling it a 
gruesome plan and accurately quoting the mayor Erman saying "The activists
can go stuff themselves." Alberta farmers killed thousands of gophers each
year to prevents the rodent's tunnels systems from causing caveins.
  "Well, in my favorite display in the gopher museum is the cab driving
gopher; yea, he drives his ... TAXIDERMY THROUGH THE BURROWS.  But sometimes
he takes a different ... ROOT."