Demented News: 7/7/96 (KSCA 6/16)

  WAR IS STILL STUPID (WW) -- "Oh, not the banging of hearts and fingers.
  "New evidence on the psychological effects of war was just released
concering what exactly goes on inside those gunner stations.  Bad language
that cannot be printed here went on during the dialogue between the gunner
soldiers.
  "Military Psychologists are calling the profane behavior Turrit
Syndrome."
  [I don't get it]

  OH CANADA (WW) -- "Well, this week, as we pay tribute to the Canadian
dementia, I'd like to remember my favorite Canadian pop hit that made it
big in America. It's not by the Guess Who or Rush, and it's not really a
song.
  "It's a spoken word tribute to the good old U.S.A. written by a Canadian
broadcaster, the late Gordon Sinclair. It was called "Americans, A
Canadian's Opinion" and three different versions appeared simultaneously on
the U.S. pop singles chart in 1974 including one by Sinclair himself.
  "But it was Byron McGregor's recording that zoomed all the way to #4 here
in the U.S. singles chart. Uninitentionally demented in its own right, in
fact, Don Novello, aka Father Guido Sarducci, gave us his unique spin on
it.
  "Well, I think that a Canadian tribute is long overdue, and I've been
working on just the thing.
  "Well I think this is one American who thinks we should band together to
buy the Canadians a Hooked On Phonics scholarship to teach them once and
for all how to say the oh you dippon." (?)
  [I don't get it]



Demented News: 7/14/96 (KSCA 6/23)

  none this week. His Demented News is a repeat from 10/8/95


Demented News: 7/21/96 (KSCA 6/30)

  I'M SO DIZZY (WW) -- "Reports coming in from the Our Lady Perpetual
Motion Medical Research facility confirming an epidemic of bad dizzy spells.
  "Doctors are now confirming that the dizzy spells are caused by something
going around." (GROAN)

  BATMAN 97 IN THE MAKING (WW) -- "And while tinseltown is all abuzz over
the new Batman and Robin movie filming later this summer, are having the
darndest time picturing Rosemary Clooney as Batman..."
  [uh Will, that's GEORGE Clooney, not Rosemary]
  "George Clooney. Well, what about Shel Silverstein as Batgirl?"
  [un Will, that's Alicia Silverstone]
  "Ooh, Alicia Silverstone!"
  [R-R-R-AAAOWWW!!!]
  [ed] I don't know about Will, but I have Alicia's autograph at home.
  "But I do think Norman Schwarzkopf is a good choice for Mr. Freeze."
  [uh, Will...]
  "I got my own idea for a new Batman adventure. Not Batman and Robin, but,
Batman and Christopher Robin."
  [ed] Uh, Will, why not Batman and Robin Williams? Maybe even Batman
and Robin Quivers starring Howard Stern as Batman!
  
  Also in the report, a demented surf report from 93-year-old Mimi!
  

Demented News: 7/28/96 (KSCA 7/7)

  DEPENDING ON THIS DAY (WW) -- "A group of misguided and ill-informed
Rocky Horror audience participaton cultists was (shouldn't that be 'were'
Will you Schoolhouse Rock guru?) arrested during a recent screening of
Independence Day.
  "They arrived at the movie theater sporting nothing more than adult
diapers.  There was some confusion, you see, they thought the movie was
called, "In Depends Day".  Exactly sure where this incident transpired, but
it must have been incontinent. Actually, the diapered delinquents were't
all bad, they left a pair of diapers for the ticket seller at the movie
theater. Well, they heard the film made #1 at the box office." (GROAN)

  REVOLTING JOHN (WW) -- "It's nice to see John Travolta, formerly Vinnie
Barbarino, the 70s pop singing teen heartthrob on Welcome Back, Kotter,
still packing them in at the movie theater with Phoenomenon.
  "But I'm sorry, I just can't help it, everytime I say the word,
pheononemon, I just have to break into song. (Muppets' Menomenom); it
should have been the theme song for the movie, Dionne Warwick and her
Psychic Friends could have predicted it."

  BASEBALL IS BERRY NUDE (WW) -- "Dementoid Wendy Phillips of Long Beach,
CA, who calls herself Whimsical Wendy sent along this demented news item
of a minor league baseball team, the Palm Springs Suns; attendance has
been extremely low even with promotional gimmicks ranging from tricycle
races to balloon tossing; so as a last attempt, the team is inviting fans
to attend a special summer game...IN THE NUDE!
  "It's strictly for the baseball BUFF; there's no COVER charge for
athletic supporters; to avoid offending clothed fans, the nudists will
watch the game from inside a large tent near the left field wall.
  "I guess they'll be catching different kinds of flies. Yes, the Palm
Springs Suns meet the MOONS! And you thought the only crack was the crack
of the bats! How about the seventh inning stretch on diamondvision!"
  


Demented News: 8/4/96 (KSCA 7/14)

  TAKE OUT A CD? AS IF (WW) -- "Well over the years, I've polluted the
airwaves with my condemation of the compact disc.
  "I'm an old-school vinyl junkie who still prefers the warm tember and
essentially pleasing packaging of the vinyl phonograph record.
  "In the new issue of the Demento Society newsletter, I have applaud the
recent renassiance of the vinyl configuration in the marketplace, but I
digress.
  "Here's a true David and Goliath story in the making. It's Joe Consumer
vs. the high and mighty record label. Class action lawsuits filed by 
private citizens, Chris Robinson and George Silvy of Knoxville, Tennessee,
will accuse the nation's largest makers of compact discs have been
scheming to keep the prices of CDs unjustifiably high.
  "Sony, EMI, Warner and MCA are among the conglomorates named in the
lawsuit, which is filed on behalf of anyone who purchased CDs from any of
the defandants after June 26, 1992, and because it's a class action lawsuit,
other CD consumers can join seeking claims of up to $5000 each.
  "Get this, the U.S. compact disc industry takes in $9.4 BILLION dollars,
that's $9,400,000,000, a year, with a suggestive retail price of the average
compact disc release at $17 to $18 bucks, while refinements in manufacturing
the CDs have cut the costs of making a CD to less than a dollar!
  "So what's the deal?  It's about time the consumer cattle revolted with
a resounding BAH-RAM-YOU! And a shot through the corporate heart with a
fully inflated price gun. And just to thumb my nose of proverbial powers
to be, if I'M awarded the five grand, I think I'll go to the bank and...
  "TAKE OUT A CD!...initially, anyway."

  WE WILL ROCK-A BYE YOU (WW) -- "Speaking of new CDs, here's one with a
deliciously demented track, but you won't find it in the comedy section,
but it's a song by Linda Ronstadt, 50, from her new album "Dedicated To
The One I Love", but it's a collection of lullabyes, and unlikely ones
at that. Remember Queen's anthem "We Will Rock You"? You're not going to
believe this lullaby on the CD. And listen for the bonus track with a
soothing rendition of the lullaby, "Enter Sandman" by Metallica."


Demented News: 8/11/96 (KSCA 7/21)

  Ooey gooey rich and chewy inside, tender flaky golden caky outside, we're
dropping crumbs under the cushion for the Demented News

  HORRAY FOR HOLLYWEIRD (WW) -- "What a feeding frenzy summer we're having at
the movies. 
  "A season of blockbusters and a show with everything but Yul Brynner and
Robert Downey Jr. starring as Goldilocks, and the phonenominal success of
Independence Day has Hollywood debating whether or not the film can eclipse
Gone With The Wind as the most popular movie of all time.
  "I've always maintained the only true way to judge blockbusters is to
compare the actual number of tickets sold, or at least translate the box
office receipts of yesteryear's films into 1996 dollars using this simple
formula..."
  (Tom Lehrer excerpt...)
  "You can't take 3 from 2, 2 is less than 3, so you look at the 4 in the
tens place, now that's really 4 tens, so you make it 3 tens, regroup, then
you change the ten to ten 1's and you add them to the 2, get 12, take away
3, that's 9. Is that clear?" 
  "A ticket to see Gone With The Wind in 1939 cost 45 cents, making it the
uncontested winner with a $859,000,000 gross in 1996 dollars. With Star Wars
in second place with $628,000,000, the 1956 Biblical epic The Ten
Commandments is third with $602,000,000, and in fourth place, is...
  "I'm not sure how accurate any of these statistics. When I go to the
movies, I have to buy my ticket at least a half-a-dozen times. Everytime I
get to the door, the guy tears my ticket in half."



  ENYA FOR YA(WW) -- "Now you know how I feel about Irish music goddess Enya.
Her sweet sounds are something from heaven in my world-weary existence.
  "I feel compelled to protect her, shelter her with all that stuff from
a psychotic society. So all I can say is ... the Fugees must be stopped.
  "Fugees, F-U-..."

  HEY, WILL! WATCH THAT DIRTY MOUTH!

  "Let me finish, F-U-G-E-E-S, its a rap group and the name is short for
'refugees'. As with many of their parasitic peers, the Fugees use other
artists hard work as a foundation for their obnoxious rhymes, and these
vapid vandals have the nerve to mutilate an Enya recording for one of their
repugnant rhymes.

  [I'd be totally incensed, Will, if one of those rap groups used a piece
of John Tesh's piano work in a gangsta rap record. I'll show them. I'll use
one of their rhymes as a basis for a song and play that piece in the
background over and over again.]
  
  "The Enya track in question is from the CD "The Kelt." It pains me to do
this, but it's my civic duty to expose the Fugees for their abuse of my
dearest sweet impressionable Enya. The track from the Fugees is "Ready Or
Not" from their #1 CD "The Score."

  [Will plays the track. Will gets the D.T.s or something. That song is
totally boring if you ask me. This sucks.]

  "Look what they done to my song. They totally ruined my record! How dare
they! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! I'm sorry! Dr.! Dr. D..."

  ["OK, this whole thing degrades me so much, Will."]
  ["You're on your way to a heart attack, sir, an ulcer at the very least."]

  "Take over for me. DOC! DOC!...[Will goes nuts.]

  Dr. D: "That's OK, Willy. That's OK. They're coming to take you away,
shortly, to the Funny Farm. We'll make sure they take along all the Enya
albums.  Whimsical Will will be back with us next week. We hope. He does get
these terrible attacks of hip-hop-aphobia. They're usually temporary, but,
Goodtime Gil, make sure nobody plays any Bust-A-Rhymes for Will any time
soon. OK, there. OK."
  



Demented News: 8/18/96 (KSCA 7/28)

  A PIG FLEW TODAY, FILM AT 11 (WW) -- "Oh what a tramatic week it's been for
me!
  "A plush in carnation of Babe, the movie pig, lost its footing while
dancing the pig jig on top of the roof of my car and flew off into traffic.
  "It was a gift from little bro, you see."

  Kid: "Whimsical Will has the intelligence of a small soap dish."

  Susan Lucci: "You better mean that you're comparing his high I.Q. with
mine, or else I'll make sure you'll never win any Emmys!"

  Ronald Reagan: "Ah, shut up!"

  Martin Scorsese: "You talking to me? You talking to me?"

  Babe: "Far, am, you!"

  Commerical: "Oscar Meyer bologna, now with extra Babe in every slice!"

  Darth Vader: "Luke, I am your father."

  James Earl Jones: "This is CNN."

  [ENOUGH, YOU GUYS!  Let Will finish his story, will ya? Geez!]

  "...and the pig fuzzball and my trusty co-pilot from his perch in my
car's cup holder."

  Voice: "You are a sad strange little man."

  "..until that fateful moment...far-am flew, but this story does have a
happy ending.
  "I was able to locate my lost Babe a couple of days after the incident...
BACON in the sun on the side of the freeway, I guess that would be called
the PORK shoulder.
  "So the next time you're caught in a traffic ham, bad enough to be a
PIG alert, you just might catch the SWINE flew!...when pigs fly."


  [Oh Will, I heard that in my house, a bunch of flies got into my chocolate
devil cake and consumed so much that they died. You might say that this was
a case of when FLIES PIG.]


  GHOST TO GHOST (WW) -- "A member of the legislative assembly in Brazil's
industrious heartland called for a special ghostbuster team to probe
phoenomena."

  Song: "Mne-non-me-non, too-tooo, to-to-to."

  "Phoenomenon including flying furniture, mysterious voices and vanishing
people. An elevator operator in the assembly building told local news
reporters that a passenger had once disappeared into thin air."

  [If it was Rush Limbaugh disappearing, it would have to be in fat air.]

  "and said Apollo city deputy Lemas that he found himself locked out and
heard 'a lot of people talking on the other side of the door in a strange
language and they wouldn't respond to my calls.'
  "nothing unusual there. It happens everytime I go to the DMV."



Demented News: 8/25/96 (KSCA 8/4)
  
  WEATHER OR NOT (WW) -- "From a sue-happy world comes a story of an Israeli
woman who filed a lawsuit against Israel's channel 2 weatherman Danny Ruff
for $1000 because of an erroreanous weather forecast.
  "Ruff had predicted sun and subsequent rainstorms said the woman gave her
the flu, and resulted in four days missed work and $38 in medication.
  "Or perhaps she could seek some restitution by walking down the street
with her purse open;  sure, I heard we're expecting some ... CHANGE in the
weather."

  
  George Carlin as Weatherman: "Tonight's forecast...dark. Contiunued mostly
dark tonight. Turning to widely scattered light in the morning."

  
  GOODBYE D, AS IN D-O, D-O-D, D-O-D-G (WW) -- "Well, I couldn't let Tommy
Lasorda retire as Los Angeles Dodgers manager without paying him a backhanded
tribute."

  Kids record: "What is a dodger?  That's easy.  A dodger is a baseball
player."

  "We'll here's a replay of that infamous and legendary interview with
Lasorda from June 4, 1976..."

  T.L.: "Well naturially, I feel bad about losing a ballgame like that,
there's no way I should lose that ballgame, and..."
  Interviewer: "What's your opinion on..."
  T.L.: "Course my opinion of [some guy's] performance?  What the (bleep) do
you think is my opiniion of it, I think it was (bleep) (bleep)! Put that in,
I don't (bleep) (bleep)!  Opinion of his performance?  (bleep) he beat us
with three (bleep) home runs!  What the (bleep) do you mean what is my
opinion of his performance?  How can you ask me that question like that?
What was my opinion of his performance?  (bleep) he hit three home runs.
(bleep)!  I'm (bleep) (bleep) off to lose a (bleep) game.  And you ask me my
opinion of his performance?  (bleep)!"

  Back to Will: "We'll, thanks Tom, you know I was hoping Casey Cussim would
succeed Lasorda, he certainly got the mouth for it..."

  C.C.: "It's the last (bleep) (bleep) time, I want somebody to use their
(bleep) brain to not come out of a (bleep) (bleep) record that is uptempo and
I gotta talk about a (bleep) dog dying!"

  Will: "Well, this Casey at bat is ... FOUL!"


  OLYMPICK ON US AGAIN? (WW) -- "We'll, it's the last word on the aftermath
of the Olympics.
  "I've been intrigued by reports of tests conducted to insure that the
Olympic female athletes aren't MEN masquerading as women."

  [Will, do you know if Dennis Rodman ever tried out fot the Olympics?]

  "How difficult could thest tests be?
  "Mr. Rogers, could you help us?"

  Mr. Rogers: "Now I know that if you're a boy, you were born a boy. And if
you're a girl, you were born a girl."

  [Oh, Will and Rogers? (get it? Will Rogers?) What happens when you you
were born a boy and by age 12, you grow a pair of boobies? Or if you were
born a girl and at age 12, your panties get tight with an unexpected
appendage?

  "But according to the American Medical Association, the tests do no good 
cause they fail to uncover hormonal conditions that would bestow a
competetive advantage.  What about those so-called female swimmers?  You know
the tests they use to distinguish the male and female athletic swimmers,
don't you?
  "That'd be the ... BREAST stroke."



Demented News: 9/1/96 (KSCA 8/11)

  MARS NEEDS EARTH (WW) -- "Wow! It's the most exciting news of all time!
  "The idea of life on Mars is indeed a sobering thought.  The discovery
of carbonate globules from a Martian rock which hit Earth 12 years ago
has incited a broo ha ha of global porportions.
  "I know, those of you who were hoping for a close encounter with little
green men may be a bit disillusioned by the discovery of near single-celled
bacteria.  At that rate, life on Mars could be obliterated with a shot of
penicillin.
  "And to add more confusion, here's our own far out space nut Popsicle
Phil in the Demented Laboratory, Oh Phil?..."

  (TOILET FLUSH)

  "No, that's Laboratory, not Lavatory."

  Monty Python: "I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory."

  "Phil, are you there?"
  PP: "Hi Will."
  WW: "Hi."
  PP: "This is Popsicle Phil reporting on that chunk of Mars rock causing
all the hoopala."
  WW: "That's Broohaha."
  PP: "Tra la la."
  WW: "Nevermind. Phil, you've studied the evidence. What did you find in
that piece of Mars?"
  PP: "Well, I found milk chocolate almonds covered with corn syrup and
hydrogenated soybean oil..."
  WW: "Phil, I think that's a Mars candy bar you have there."
  PP: "Well, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you .... feel like
making a quilt."
  WW: "I thought you were supposed to report to us from Mars."
  PP: "In a minute, Will.  I haven't finished my ... LAUNCH yet."
  WW: "Aww! Alright, Phil. Gosh, he's annoying. We'll check in with you
later."


  DAVID BOWIE IS RICH..ER (WW) -- "From one rock enigma to another, David
Bowie is raking in big royalty bucks for timely radio airplay from his
1973 hit "Life On Mars." 
  "BBC Radio 1" which broadcasts across Great Britian played the Bowie tune
repeatedly following the NASA announcement earning the man who fell to 
Earth about 25 pounds or 39 dollars for each play.  It's a nice surprise
for Bowie, but it shows to go you in the rock biz with everything up in the
air, a big hit never happens quite the way you ... PLANET."


  MARTIAN BOOGIE (WW) -- "OK, let's check in once again with Popsicle Phil
flying high above his dining room table.  Phil, can you hear me?"
  PP: "I'm gonna take the broom to these cobwebs...Oh, hi, Will! Did you
know that our planet's in my house?"
  WW: "Planets in your house?"
  PP: "There's Mercury in my thermometer and Saturn in my garage."
  FF: "Hi, I'm Fudgsicle Fred. Is there Pluto in your doghouse?"
  PP: "No."
  FF: "Has Uranus been recently showing there?"
  PP: "Not lately."
  FF: "I happen to be a father any I do have a Sun living in with me."
  PP: "Well I used to date Frank's daughter, Moon."
  WW: "Stop the chit chat. Phil, do you know how to fly that thing?"
  PP: "I read the manual hundreds of times."
  WW: "Are you at least in the milky way? I don't mean the candy bar."
  PP: "I see the Dodge star."
  WW: "Serious?"
  PP: "That's right."
  WW: "Phil, do you see life on Mars?"
  PP: "My wife's on Mars?"
  WW: "No."
  PP: "No, I left her on the Honey Moon."
  WW: "Put down your spaceship and look around."
  PP: "Ok."
  WW: "You know, I hear there are a lot of beds on Mars."
  PP: "Sounds like a lot of bunk to me."
  WW: "Phil, any signs of life up there?"
  PP: "There's somebody over there."
  WW: "Huh?"
  PP: "I'll ask him if there's any life over there."
  WW: "Phil, what are you doing?"
  PP: "Yea, he's over there in some kind of glass booth."
  WW: "Phil, Phil, where are you going?"
  PP: "Here I come, stranger."
  WW: "Stop it Phil. No! No!"
  (PHIL WALKS INTO THE BOOTH)
  PP: "Excuse me, sir. Have you seen any life on this planet?"
  WW: "No, what are you doing in here? You're supposed to be in the other
studio pretending to be on Mars. Whatsa matter with you?"
  PP: "Hi, Will.  I'm supposed to be on Mars."
  WW: "You idiot!  When I'm finished with you, you'll really be on Mars!"
  PP: "Help! Help!"
  WW: "Get over here!  Phil!"



Demented News: 9/8/96 (KSCA 8/18)

  A rerun


Demented News: 9/15/96 (KSCA 8/25)

  SMOKING IN THE BOYS' ROOM (WW) -- "Well, three cheers for President
Clinton and his infinite wisdom on declaring nicotine as a drug.
  "But I happen to favor any legislation that would keep kids or anyone
for that matter away from cigarettes.
  "Meanwhile, the high-pollutant tobacco companies are quaking in their
collective booties.  And with the Marlboro Man demoted from billboard idol
to poster child, there are desparate marketing measures such as...

  FROM Nov 1994:
  TOBACCO (WW) -- "The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company has tried and failed to
market a smokeless cigarette in the late 1980s and has announced plans for a
sweeter smelling cigarette. 
  "This month, the company will introduce a new version of its Salem menthol
brand featuring cigarette paper that reduces stale odors. The company is
addressing the concern that "perhaps some people don't like the smell of
cigarettes in their clothing, car, and hair." 
  "Well I won't elaborate on the process; the sweeter smelling smoother
tasting paper uses a common food additive. As a devout non-smoker, all I can
say is how dare they! 
  "If these smokers wanna choke to death on their poisonous pacifiers, that's
their business, but when they belch forth their noxious exhaust fumes into
my no-fly zone, it's time for a counter attack, I'm not going to sit back and
breathe in all that second-hand smoke. 
  "With Strawberry Fields Forever, I won't have any old factory alert either
duck and cover or fight for my right to breathe. But you know what, nobody
gives a firm handshake anymore about anybody else. We're all gonna die a slow
and painful death, but I can only hope that those nicotine junkies with
their zig-zags of tutti-frutti will be proud to die with a sweeter-smelling
BUTT than the rest of us."

  TRAFFIC (WW) -- "And now here's a look at the latest traffic conditions
from Popsicle Phil flying high over his dining room table.  Oh Phil?

  PP: "Thanks, Will.  Highway 86 has been 86ed by a tree surgeon who passed
out in traffic.  Seems he collapsed when he ran his car into one of his
patients.  He'll by PINING over that one.  Tell him to PALM down."
  WW: "Phil, is there anything else?"
  PP: "Yes, Will, be careful, there's a section of guard rail missing along
the Talahoochie bridge, it turns that a driver got angry after being pulled
over and TOOK A FENCE!"
  WW: "UHH! Phil?"
  PP: "Yes?"
  WW: "You can stop pounding on your chest now."
  PP: "What?"
  WW: "Stop pounding."

  "That traffic report was the biggest ... ACCIDENT of them all."


Demented News: 9/22/96 (KSCA 9/1)

  FIRE-FIRE-FIRE! (WW) -- "A series of photographs involving a woman posing
topless and naked with Lynwood California firefighters and their fire
trucks has prompted an investigation into the Lynwood Fire Department.
  "But Councilman member Robert Henning doesn't think much will come of the
investigation.  He said 'Anybody can run into the fire station, pull off
her funky little top, while somebody snaps a picture'.
  "He said 'as long as the firefighters behavior doesn't affect their
performance, any discipline would be minimal'.
  "It's kind of redundant to fire a firefighter, I guess they'd be
extinguished or something.
  "Anyway, I suppose this exhibitionistic woman could claim to be an old
FLAME.
  "Or perhaps she was trying on a new kind of panty HOSE.
  "You don't suppose this chick has a thing for posing nude with a Demented
Newscasters, do you?"
 
  [or maybe Demented Scribes?]

  Thanks to Wendy Phillips of Long Beach for the scoop on that story.


  NUDE TWO (WW) -- "In other nudie-cutie news, the Jay Bird nudist festival
was underway once again.
  "There's new scientific proof that the desire to run around naked is
conGENITAL.
  "Although this year's birthday suit entertainment would feature mainly
ORGAN music, there will be another performance by Huey Lewis and the
NUDES.
  "I went to this nudist festival last year and I was disappointed.  There
were too many BUMs hanging around.  And you though Jupiter had a lot of
MOONS."


  HELLO DOLLY (WW) -- "Three security guards in an upscale shopping center
in upper Marion Pennsylvania face burglarily charges after being caught
on videotapes stealing 42 Barbie dolls from a toy store on their overnight
watch.
  "The dolls worth more than $2000 dollars were taken from the F.A.O. 
Schwarz store in the King of Prussia Plaza.  The dolls as well as other
merchandise were recovered.
  "Security guards also made off with a bunch of motorized toys, but they
couldn't get them to work.  They didn't want to get stuck with a BATTERY 
CHARGE."



Demented News: 9/29/96 (KSCA 9/8)

  SCHOOL BABE WATCH (WW) -- "Now that we've surrendered our reckless summer
abandoned to the solverign drudgery of those back to school days, and have
reacquainted our sorry selves with the scholastic routine, let's pause for
a report of the first classroom casulty of the new school year.
  "Fletch Fletcher, a college instructor and honorary lifetime member of
I Felt A Thigh For Ferternity, was fired after admitting that he reserves
his best grades for those female students with the most impressive figure.
  "With all A's going to his ... healthiest females, Fletcher is fighting
the dismissal however, insisting that this was simply his way of...
GRADING ON A CURVE."


  Aunt mimi gave her demented weather report.  She forecasts the weather
by walking around outside with her purse open looking for some...CHANGE
IN THE WEATHER.


  NOT THIS MACARENA RECORD! (WW) -- "I know, I am as sick as you are of
Macarena Mania.

  Dr. Demento: "You know, compact discs, they say, never wear out.  Maybe
they should make an exception for CDs of the Macarena."

  "I thought you'd like to know who to blame for this obnoxious dance
craze.
  "Actually, the Macarena originated in Spain nearly three years ago and
they've long since tired of it.
  "But it turns out, there's a real live woman to blame for all this.
Flamenco dancer Diana Patricia Cubillan of Venezuela says she is La Macarena
and inspired the Los Del Rios song that inspired the craze, and what a craze
it is, this week, there are three versions of Macarena on the Billboard Pop
Singles Chart.
  "So what do you say we hook up this Diana Cuveon chick with the moron
that started that YMCA arm dance, let them play each other into DJ Dante's
disco inferno.
  "Hey, I'm working on my own dance craze, the SMACKO-PAINA, and when
someone asks me I cut in, you'd better be prepared to use your cummer
bundas and torniquets."