Demented News: 10/6/96 (KSCA 9/15)

  Q: What does an instructor at medical school tell the student doctors?
  Record lyrics: "All right, all you need is a little patients and a little
practice".
  Enough Dickie Goodman interview. Bring on Will!
  Willie the Dog: "Rrrrrim rrrrrrimricle rrrilll rrrnd rrritz rrime roar
rhu Reeeerended Rewwws!"
  Not you, Willie, THIS Will!


  WW: "Running around in circles like a herd of crazed hedgehogs in a crop
field, we're making tracks to the Demented News, I'm Whimsical Will."

  SHE BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE AGAIN (WW) -- "More reports of casulaties
in this new school year.
  "But Rocky Calderra of Mariner Valley was working on a slime mold for his
science class, but it went out of control and attacked his German Shepherd."
  
  Willie The Dog: (cries)
  
  "Yes, it was the first time a student used the excuse ... my homework
ate my dog!"

  Pee Wee Herman: "Grrrr. Ruff. Ruff. Ruff."



  DEAD PUPPIES (WW) -- "And speaking of doomed doggies, critical canines,
bed-ridden Benji's, a veterarian in Sheetzu Falls has developed a
revolurionary new method of diagnosing feverish fidos.
  "And the vet doctor asked us as he waves a live cat over the comatose
canine to test for signs of life."

  Willie the Dog: "GRRRRR! GRRRR!"
  Relax, Wildo, it's just a STORY of a cat. There's no cat.

  "Or perhaps you've heard that procedure, it's called a ... CAT SCAN.
  "We'll, it's supposed to be a fool-proof CATATONIC."

  Is Dr. Demento playing any demented CATAMARAN songs in his boat set?
  He cruises over to CATALINA Island.
  He got it from a CATALOG.
  This is a CATASTROPHE.
  Hey, comedy is not pretty. -- Steve Martin



  CULTURE CLUB (WW) -- "It's time to get cultural and visit the Demented
Museum.
  "It's the story of a St. Louis art museum which filed a $2.5 million
dollar lawsuit against the Whitney museum of Modern Art in New York
City, because a Whitney security guard damaged an on-loan painting by
Roy LiCCCCHtenstein.
  "According to the lawsuit, guard Reginald Walker drew a heart and wrote
"Reggie + Crystal, I love you tushy, love Buns" on the painting.
  "Museum officials have said to be canbissing the area to find Walker,
although the guard insists he was...FRAMED."
  
  Cheech: "I was framed!"
  
  "And now, the museum defendents claim they're broke and don't have any
...MONET."



  NOBOBY BUT WILL WALKS IN L.A. (WW) -- "There's nothing like a walk down
Hollyweird Boulevard to make you wish you were running.
  "Yes, in tinseltown, movies aren't the only thing that get shot.  And
so the aptly named "Run For Your Life" marathon was held this weekend in
along the streets of Hollyweird.
  "With celebrity participants Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and big time
TV producer Aaron Spelling, that's because the studios said it had a couple
of ... AARONS to run."

  General: "FIRE AT WILL!"
    



Demented News: 10/13/96 (KSCA 9/22)

  WHATCHA DOGGY DOO? (WW) -- "A village counsel of somewhere in England has
begun an elaborate plan to reduce the amount of dog droppings in the town of
200 people and 30 dogs.
  "Officials in the village plan to DNA test the dogs and keep the results
on file. They would then match the DNA of that of any unscopped doggy doody
lying around the village so as to punish scoffaws.
  "Now this deal may sound a little bit far fetched, but I suppose it's
another example of the DOO PROCESS OF LAW."


  STOP THAT #%@& PIGEON! (WW) -- "Denver international airport is using what
it describes as pigeon LSD to try to rid the parking garages of the messy
birds.
  "The pigeons are an annoyance to travelers who find droppings all over
their cars and could become a health hazard. Corn soaked in the drug
abatrolic has been scattered around the parking garages, the drugs are
supposed to make the pigeons forget their whereabouts, but it has made some
forget how to fly.
  "So far, about 100 pigeons have crashed and died from the drug. And now
airport authroities are concerned about the drug falling into the wrong
hands, in fact, a tour group was apprehended the other day after telling
the baggage checker they have come to the airport ... TO TAKE A TRIP."


  Here's one of Will's favorite bird stories from some years ago...

  FOWL PARTY IN HIS PANTS (WW)--"A Baltimore man was arrested for stealing
70 homing pigeons.  
  "Police say about a third of them were discovered alive...in his pants!
They say they caught Thomas Waddell when they saw him walking strangely with
bulging pants. 
  "One police officer said "You Look Like the Michelin Tire Ad".  After
Waddel was arrested, he began shaking and pulling out the pigeons from his
pants. Police say that he pulled out 21 live pigeons and five dead ones,
and he's accused of stealing the pigeons from two other Baltimore men. He's
charged with grand theft, cruelty to animals, and a...COO ATTEMPT."




Demented News: 10/20/96 (KSCA 9/29)

  JACQUES THE MONKEY (WW) -- "Yes indeed, the monkeys are shocked at
Denmark's Copenhagen Zoo because something bizarre is going on.
  "On display between the baboons and the lemurs, there are two interesting
primates...HUMANS!
  "And they're living behind a glass wall in plain view of zoo visitors.
  "And the point of the exhibit is to encourage people to think about their
origins.
  "According to zoo official Peter Vestergard, the humans on display are
monkeys in a ways..."

  HEY HEY WE'RE THE MONKEYS!

  "But some people find that hard to accept.
  "I accept it alright, but I do take objection to them removing my favorite
animal from display...yea, on loan from the Smogberry Zoo in the land of
Dementia was a herd of DEMENTED GNUS.

  [Over in the sheep exhibit, we have the Demented Ewes.]

  
  FINGER THIS (WW) -- "And just in time for Halloween, comes the story of
51-year-old Burnham Miller of Boston who lost a finger 20 years ago while
chopping wood.
  "And now she owes her 90 million dollar fortune to the advice offered by
her chopped-off finger preserved in formaldahide.
  "Mrs. Miller got rich by placing her finger in a jar on a financial page
and watching where it pointed. Kinda gives new meaning to the Dow Jones
Index, or that Severence Pays.
  "Mrs. Miller says she even used this method to choose her husband. And
while other people expressed interest in using her knucklehead methods
success, she's declined any offers. She says she just can't bring herself
to give anyone...THE FINGER."

  [Kiddie singalong video with pictures illustrating the fingers with
   one finger straight up in each picture...
     Here is the thumb,
       and here is the index,
     Here is the middle finger on the hand...]

  Audience laughs hysterically.
 
  [David Letterman: "I see you all saw that kiddie video too recently."]

  [Sheez, the severed finger pointing your way to success. Just think what
   better success in finding women John Wayne Bobbitt would have had.]


  HOT LINE (WW) -- "Oh oh, the Demented Newsroom hotline is ringing!
  "It's Ross Perot calling, trying to get some air time!
  "Ross, you must be desparate to get on the air."
  Ross: "I'll be happy to make shoes, I'll be happy to make clothing, I'll
make sausage...
  WW: "All this controversy about you getting shut out of the presidential
debates. Who do you think was responsible for that?"
  Ross: "Somewhere out there there's an extra-terrestrial doing this to us,
yes. Somebody somewhere has to take responsibility for this."
  WW: "Gosh, I had no idea you listen to the Demented News, what do you
think of it?"
  Ross: "I decided I was dumb and didn't understand it."
  WW: "OK Ross, you have the floor. Say your peace."
  Ross: "18 percent of them, didn't .... uh ... didn't ... to be of ...
didn't ..."
  WW: "Ah yes, Ross Perot, the man who started his Polyticking when he fed
his parrot his wrist watch."




Demented News: 10/27/96 (KSCA 10/27)



Demented News: 11/3/96 (KSCA 10/6)

   MISCUE 9-1-1 (WW) -- "A 45-year-old man in Meridan, CT, was accused of
calling 9-1-1 at least 25 times in one day to report a toothache.
   "After several calls which he cursed and threatened the 911 dispatcher,
police came to his house and charged him with criminal mischief.
   "At the police station, and after bail was set at $6000, police allowed
the man to use the telephone to call a bail bondsman.
   "Instead, he proceded to call 9-1-1 and again cursed the dispatcher.
Actually, with the guy's toothache as bad as it was, he was kind of hoping
for an arrest; well, he was looking forward to a ... CAVITY SEARCH."


   ELEVEN-HELL (WW) -- "And then there was the true story of some manson
heights man who had trouble phoning for help.  Well, his neighbor instructed
him to call 9-11, and said he couldn't find the "11" on his phone."


   HARASS THIS (WW) -- "Ok, so you've heard about the six-year-old boy's
suspended from school for sexual harassment after kissing a girl.
   "What about the 13-year-old girl who was sent home from junior high
for drug possession after her teacher found her with a box of Midol.
   "Actually, the poor girl was nervous about her audition for the Christmas
Choir and was suffering from ... PRE MINSTRAL SYNDROME."

  
   VOTE FOR WHAT? (WW) -- "Well, it's election time again and we're all just
as confused as ever.
   "But whever you do, be careful on your way out of the polling place.
Last time there was that rash of groin injuries from voters running into...
EXIT POLLS."



Demented News: 11/10/96 (KSCA 10/13)

  CUZ I'M A BLUND (WW) -- "Good news for women unjustly unsettled with the
dumb blond stigma: Dr. Andreas Stenner of Sociologists in Berlin studied
3000 women for a doctor research project.
  "Stenner's research concluded that the blond women are not dumber than
brunettes or redheads. They are "just slower in processing information,
take longer to react to stimuli, and tend to retain less information for
a shorter period of time than in other women.""
  "Sounds like the definition of dumb to me, but personally, I can't see
the correlation of between hair color and intelligence. But with all the
artificial coloring going on, I suppose a new genealogical test is in
order, after you DYE, it examines your ROOTS."



Demented News: 11/17/96 (KSCA 10/20)

  PINK ELEPHANTS ON PARADE (WW) -- "A herd of thirsty elephants in search
of a drink tried several illegal breweries southwest of Calcutta according
to Indian forest officials.
  "A herd of 45 pacaderms charged out of the hills looking for water, but
stumbled into the illegal operations instead.
  "After smashing six stills and drinking much of their content, the
drunken marauders stumbled back into the woods.  I'll bet you this is one
thing those elephants won't remember.
  "Authorities attempted to stop the rampage by confiscating the elephants'
credit cards, but that still didn't keep them from CHARGING.
  "Speaking of still, when those elephants started smashing stills, I'm
surprised Crosby and Nash didn't come to the rescue. The elephants
evetually did find their pool of water, and they went for a swim but
without incident, after all, they were all wearing their TRUNKS."


  WHERE'S THE @#%^$ BEEF? (WW) -- "McDonald's first restaurant in India is
the first the world with no beef on the menu just opened to a rush of Hindu
enthusism.
  "Citizens are traveling from all around the country to sample Vegetable
Mcnuggits, and Maharasha Macs made with sheep patties."  [Sounds like a
really BAAAAAD menu, Will?]
  "No beef scene, that's because the Hindu faith believer that the cow
is a sacred symbol of the source of life." [You're not going to MILK the
jokes out of this one, Will?]
  "Indian real estate mogul formed a partnership with Mickey D's to open
the New Delhi restaurant, and with a menu like that, it's no wonder that
they call it ... NEW DELI."
  "Of course, you know that when you order a sheep burger to take out,
you don't say to go, you say I'll take it ON THE LAMB."  [Now that joke
was really BAAAAD.]
   



Demented News: 11/24/96 (KSCA 11/03)

  CRUELLLA TO BE KIND (WW) -- "Alright, get ready for some more shameless
movie merchandising.
  "Disney's new live-action "101 Dalmations" film has inspired the mass
marketing of Wettin' Whizzer.  It's a $42 plush dalmation puppy that drinks
water from its bowl, then delights and amazes your child by relieving
itself on a newspaper.
  "I might suppose it might do well at a ... LIQUIDATION SALE or something.
  "Of course, they're hoping Wettin' Whizzer will be the ... #1 BEST SELLING
TOY this Christmas."


  THE LOONIES ARE IN (WW) -- "Now it's time for listeners including
Wendy Phillips of Long Beach and David Tanny of San Diego have been after
me to cover this next story.
  "One of Argentina's most popular radio programs is "Loony Radio" produced
by and featuring patients at the Bordis Psychiatric Hospital in Buenos
Aires.
  "One patient presents the Bolivian Minute, but usually giggles uncontrol-
ably until the producer reminds on he's on the air.
  "Another man delivers philosophy lectures and claims to be 'more
schitophrenic than anyone'.
  "And one of Argentina' best-known talk radio hosts says 'the patients are
more insightful than his callers.'
  "What if Dr. Demento took on the job of head shrink at the mental
hospital..."

  Dr. D: "You're getting DeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEeeEee..."

  "But no, we couldn't live without our beloved Dr. D.
  "In fact, if it hadn't been for Dr. Demento, we might have had some bogus
program like...Lawyer Loony:"

  
  Chorus: "The Lawyer is in!"
  LL: "Order in the court, plantiffs and defendants, it's time to plead
insanity with the Lawyer LOOOOOOny Show!"
  Slow man: "Lawwwwwwer Loooooooooony"
  LL: "I'm here with Misdemeanor Mike, Bailiff Bill and Gavel Gil, they've
reached a verdict, and we have a summons for the song that's Exhibit A..."


  "Yea, their form of Capital Punishment is the Demented NOOSE, well, maybe
for a HUNG jury."


  UNBALANCED RADIO (WW) -- "And with all this radio ga-ga transmission, you
better shake your two-bit transistors for a new form of audio virus.
  "Yea, it's when your radio loses its BALANCE, they're calling it some
form of MONO.
  "I'll bet that MegaHURTS enough to even KILLahurtz."

  



Demented News: 12/1/96 (KSCA 11/17/96)

  DENTIST THE MENACE (WW) -- "A toothsome predictament for pop crooner Paul
Anka.
  "He's sueing his dentist for malpractice, claiming it's HIS fault that
Anka's crown dislodged and flew into the audience during a recent Las Vegas
convert.
  "The dentist could not be reached for comment.  But now, we're getting
reports that members of Anka's audience are claiming civil rights violations
and they claim they've been ... ENDENTURED."

  MADONNA'S LIKE A VIRGIN...NOT (WW) -- "Madonna's dog is in a state of
depression?
  "Seems her chihuahua is jealous of the attention being paid to the
material girl's new baby.
  "And so pal Rosie O'Donnell recommended a psychiatric veterarian to
diagnose the problem.
  "The dog cheered up and Madonna took him to see the flea circus and he...
STOLE THE SHOW!
  "Wait a second here...Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna swapping dog care
secrets?  Yikes!  Talk about a coffee-clashing pergatory.
  "I'm sure they never mentioned Madonna's new movie. What is her new movie
anyway? Oh yea. Velveeta, er, that's Evita, whatever, it's something...
CHEESY and the music is GRATING.  They say she doesn't know JACK about
acting.  Perhaps she should pursue another KRAFT.

  

  
Demented News: 12/8/96 (KSCA 12/8)

  Part 1 of "Whimsical Will's Demented Guide to Christmas Shopping"

  XMAS SHOPPING '96 (WW) -- "Every year at this time, I ask you if you've
finished all of Christmas shopping, and you always tell me not yet.
  "We'll I can't help you if you're stuck with a demanding kid, but over
the next few weeks, I thought I'd use the Demented News to offer you the
Whimsical Will Guide to Demented Christmas Shopping.
  "We'll, we dig into the archives to remember those skewed and twisted
products for the special dementoid on your list."

  IT'S TIME FOR NUMBER ONE! (WW) -- "Or perhaps there's still time to order
my favorite stocking stuffer...Poopets.
  "Just in time for holiday giving...Cow Manure!
  "A Norwalk California company says it's enjoying a brisk business selling
animal figurines made from baked and sanitized cow manure.
  "They're called "PooPets", and they're available by mail order only,
postage DOO as I call it, and carry such names as "Turtle", "Cow Pie
Cow", "PePe Le Poo", maybe even the real "Winnie The Poo", and
promises to be .... the #2 best selling Christmas gift."


  IT'S ANARCHY BARBIE (WW) - "And for the anti-Barbie doll collector, let's
not forget about Fiero Sheryl.
  "Hey, move over, Barbie, here comes a doll so anatomically correct, in
fact hygenically deficient, that it's sure to barf you out!
  "This alternative doll comes complete with tattoos, unshaven legs,
pierced body parts, and other features too graphic to mention even on the
Demented News.
  "This is one scary chick.
  "Actually, the doll's name is Cheryl, Fiero Cheryl.  Fiero, which means
of or like a wild beast.
  "Designer Duncan says the doll is intended for the consumer who has
trouble relating to the clean cut Barbie image.  She says that Barbie is
irrevelant, nobody looks like her, so I made a Fiero doll.
  "Maybe you can pull a string a Fiero will shout obscenities at you.
  "Now I hear that Barbie is on the COUNTER attack. Don't forget what
Abraham Lincoln said about domineering women..."If destruction be our
lot, it must spring up among us, it cannot come from ABROAD.""



Demented News: 12/15/96 (KSCA 12/15)

  Part 2 of "Whimsical Will's Demented Guide to Christmas Shopping"

  TOP SECRET (WW) -- "Remember those inflatable bikini tops?  Well, they
make great stocking stuffers.
  "So, for the stuffed shirts on your holiday shopping list...
  "From the pages of USA Today comes the story of an inflatable bikini top.
  "The new swimwear works on the pump sneaker principle. The bikini cups
contain an air chamber that inflates when you press a tiny pump in the bra's
center.
  "It's called Top Secret and it's being touted as the 90s way to have
cleavage.
  "Well, it makes sense to me.  I mean, an air pump has always been good
for...FIXING FLATS."


  MY PARDON, DOLLY (WW) -- "I picked up a little flak over the Fiero Barbie
doll I recommended last week.  So for equal time, here's a gift idea...
  "From the "Honey They Blew Up Barbie" file comes the latest from
Mattel toys: a 3-ft tall Barbie doll!
  "It's called "My Size, Barbie", and it's touted as the first Barbie
girls can actually share clothes with."

  (Yes, even little boys can now try on Barbie's dresses, just like Dennis
Rodman might have done if it existed then!)

  "Asking $100 for the mighty mannequin, it comes decked out in a
provacative low cut pink chiffon number.
  "But poor Ken, he's still ten inches tall."

  (insert your own joke here).

  "Imagine your girlfriend three times as big as you. It's like seventh
grade all over again!
  "And how did the first group of little girls take to the new big size
Barbie?  They're recovering nicely at the local trauma center."


  LITTLE PRARIE DOG ON THE HOUSE (WW) -- "And for the gardener on your
list, don't forget to order the prarie dog vaccuuming service.
  "A Colorado man has built a vacuum system powerful enough to suck
prarie dogs from their burrows.
  "Gabe vacuums prarie dogs from the holes in urban areas and farms.
  "The animals are then deposited unharmed, but somewhat confused in a
large tank in his truck.
  "I suppose you might say Gabe's job really ... nah, should I say it?"

  (you better not.)

  "Well, actually he's doing a public service for building contractors.
After all, you wouldn't want to build your HOUSE ON THE PRARIE DOG."




Demented News: 12/22/96 (KSCA 12/22)

  Part 3 of "Whimsical Will's Demented Guide to Christmas Shopping"

  KILL A XMAS TREE (WW) -- "It's time to buy a Christmas Tree!
  "Prices are on the rise and consumers are on the run!
  "I went down to the local Xmas tree lot, you know, Xmas trees are
what they sell, a lot is what they get?  I paid $100 for my tree!
  "It's small, but I had to kneel down to put on a star. That's ok,
cause my tree will serve a dual purpose.  After Christmas, I can use it
as a toothpick.
  "On a sad note, however, we just received word that the propreiator
of the Beverly Hills Xmas Tree Orama is in the hospital tonight following
an occupational injury.  Yea, he fell off his wallet."


  TREE-PE LE PEW(WW) -- "Thieves would smell something other than a sweet
pine a roma of Christmas if they would take a tree from the Pullman
Washington City park.
  "To prevent residents from ripping off trees again this year, public
works officials have sprayed the remaining trees with a special mixture
of skunk oil and fox urine.
  "They say there have been no reports of tree thefts so far this year.
  "Picture this: the snow softly falling, the stockings are hung, a coming
from the den is the smell of skunk oil and fox urine.
  

  JINGLE TIL YOU DIE (WW) -- "In the new movie, Jingle All The Way, the new
Arnold Schwarzeneggar movie, did you catch the name of Turboman's arch
enemy?
  "No, it's De-Mentor!  Cause if there's ever a Dr. Demento action figure,
of course it would have to be RADIO controlled!"