Demented News: 1/5/97 (KSCA 11/10/96)

  LIVING ON THE MOON (WW) -- "Well, that trip to the moon we have been
planning may come to be a reality sooner than you think.
  "The first restaruant on the moon opened last week. They say it has
great food, but ... NO ATMOSPHERE."

  OHH NOO, MR. BILBO! (WW) -- "Fairy tale hero Bilbo Baggins was in the
hospital this weekend following an attack by a group of street thugs.
  "The bad guys were quickly released for good behaviour, because, after
all, they were trying to ... KICK THE HOBBIT."

  PLUTO ENTERS THE NEWSDESK (WW) -- "Exciting news out of Toon Town!
  "Rumour has it that Mickey Mouse's dog has finally settled down and found
himself a canine companion.
  "Now before you get too worked up, bear in mind that the doggy duo has
made it clear that there's nothing romantic between them, and that their
relationship is strictly ... PLUTONIC."

  ODOR IN THE COURT (WW) -- "A plugged sewage line forced the evacuation and
closure of Los Angeles criminal court house.
  "Raw sewage spilled into the 19-floor building, sending judges from their
benches and requiring prisioners to ... MAKE DO ELSEWHERE.
  "Criminal court manager Edward Greky commented that the sewage spill
was a waste of trial time, and the county intends to take legal action
against the Department of Public Works, which I guess would make them the
... SUE ER.
  "But you know what, I don't think they have a case; well, haven't you
heard of the ... DUE PROCESS OF LAW?"

  MY NAME IS PRINCE...NOT! (WW) -- "It's time for a Demented Public
Service. Get closer to your radio.
  "For a limited time, we're offering free ear piercing!
  "Now put your ear to the speaker, and here's rock star Prince to do the
job..."

  EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAYYYAAAAYYYAAAAYYYAAAGGGGHHH!!

  "Now the other ear..."

  EEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAYYYAAAAYYYAAAAYYYAAAGGGGHHH!!

  "See, it'd even leave you with a free ... EAR RING!"

  

  I'M DEAD! I'M BACK! (WW) -- "Mass murderer Jeffrey Dahmer back in the
news!
  "New charges against Dahmer by May Day Airlines!
  "Well, let's just day Dahmer and the airlines have different definitions
of what they consider ... CARRY ON.
  "What a CUT-UP!"




Demented News: 1/12/97 (KSCA 11/24/96)

  THE CENTURY FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE 21ST (WW) -- "Well, the transition from
1996 to 1997 is fairly painless. I suppose you've been hearing about the
global computer meltdown anticipated for January 1, 2000.
  "The problem is that billions of computer systems will read the year
2000 as 00 which will be interpreted as to mean 1900.
  "The cause of this garganuan glitch stems from the early days of
computers to save precious memory space in the old fashioned mainframes,
programmers simply omitted the year's first two numbers, the 19."

  [Didn't Paul Hardcastle sing a song about the number?]

  "Well, the potential ramifications are HUGE and could effect everything
from the nation's computer missle defense system to automated checking
account deductions used by millions of Americans, and conversly, Social
Security payments, tax refunds and other Government checks will be issued
all over again when their computers decided that no one has received
checks this century."

  Daffy Duck: "Oh boy! I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm Independent! I'm socially
secure!"

  "Anaylists predict that the price tag will hit around $50 billion to
reprogram the government computer systems alone.  The equivalent of
300 work years will be needed to examine each line of computer code to
determine if change is needed.
  "And to sort through this technical mumbo jumbo, here's 93-year-old
computer scientist Mimi to report on how this catastropic systems crash
will effect Joe Q. Public..."
  
  Mimi: "You know what bugs me? It's the way those video magazines mix up
their facts.  Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. I wish they would get their K's
straight, kilobytes. For example, they said that 5200 had 64K when it had
only 16K, and they said that Colecovision had 16K, when they had 32K,
whatever that is, and that makes me FURIOUS!"

  "Well, thank you, Mimi, for that enlightening analysis."

  I thought the 2600 had 8K, but had 4K, and that the fifth Beatle was
2K and that Murray the K was a breakfast cereal, and that Special K was
a car that Chrysler built, or that O.K. Simpson starred in Hertz rental
car ads, or that ... er... whatever!



  In other news, Whimsical Will recently found his on-ramp to the
information superhighway.




Demented News: 1/19/97 (KSCA 12/1/96)

  STREAKING '97 STYLE (WW) -- "When state police in Odgensberg New York
caught William J. Hess burglarizing a greenhouse, he was wearing...
NOTHING!
  "Explained that he was naked, anyone who saw him in the greenhouse
couldn't identify him by describing his clothes. It is until the greenhouse
owners brought a ... SUIT against him.


  SUDDENLY SUED (WW) -- "Great gosh a mighty, what kind of a sue-happy
society do we have?
  "Did you hear the latest about a local man trying to sue the makers
of M and M's candies because he found a plain M and M in a bag marked
"Peanuts"?
  "The man claims he bit down hard expecting the peanut M and M, so when
he encountered the plain M and M, he consequently broke a tooth.
  "I suppose he'd have to commit purgery cause he couldn't tell the whole
TOOTH unless it was a hole in his tooth.
  "It sounds like binging and purgery to me.
  "My favorite lawsuits involve when burglars sue property owners for
injuries incurred during the crime.

  "Here's a classic lawsuit from September 1994 that ranks among the
all-time doozies...



Reprinted from Demented News: 10/9/94. Why? I don't know. It just is. OK?

  DAMN TOO HOT COFFEE (WW) -- From the Java Jive File comes a story of an
Alberquerque NM woman whose been awarded half-a-million dollars for spilling
a cup of coffee on herself. 
  Stella Lee Beck scalded her legs, groin, and buttocks when she placed a
cup of coffee between her legs and tried to pry off its lid at a McDonald's
Drive-Up window. Initially, a jury awarded the woman $2.7 million in
punative damages for "willful, reckless, and callus behavior" on the part
of a fast food restaraunt, and I thought you had to be scalded by chinese
soup for it to be considered won-ton. 
  Lee Beck claims that the coffee was too dang hot. But what really urks me
up about this whole deal is the sue-happy society in which we live. I mean,
doesn't anybody take responsibility for his actions anymore? I think that
before Stella Lee Beck sues K-Mart for selling her slacks that weren't coffee
resistant, or sues all the arabs for inventing coffee, perhaps she better
seek some restitution from her parental units for forgetting to teach her
some COMMON CENTS.  Then again, just because it's coffee, doesn't mean you
have GROUNDS!


Demented News: 1/26/97 (KSCA 1/5/97)

  COLD SPIRITS LITERALLY IN THE FRIDGE (WW) -- "Desparate Buffalo New York
housewife Diana Kent called in a priest to perform a exorcism on her
refrigerator.
  "The horrified homemaker says her icebox has always glowed in the night
made frightening noises and deliberately spoiled her food.  But when she
opened her refrigerator door, one day last month, the machine clobbered
her with four shelf loads of food.
  "She knew for sure that an evil spirit was living in her appliance.
  "Mrs. Kent called her church and was visited by Father Joseph O'Connor
who performed an exorcism ritual in front of her icebox.
  "The priest have seemed to have done the trick, but the worried woman
says she won't believe it until several months have passed without an
incident.
  "And while there are a number of theories as to why would a pranky
spirit would take up residence in a kitchen appliance, I mean perhaps it
was a Westinghouse, well, the spirit was just Westing (resting).
  "But I tend to believe that since Mrs. Kent purchased the refrigerator
second hand at a thrift shop, there's a good chance it had been ...
REPOSSESSED."


  AN ELECTION AND A SIDE OF FRIES (WW) -- "In other news, Dana Laporter
running for a seat on the Valucia county Florida school board insists she
has a bachelor's degree, even though a local newspaper revealed that she
had earned it at Hamburger University, a training center for employees of
the McDonald's hamburger chain, making it the first degree that needs
to be PREHEATED.
  "Also offered from Hamburger University is religious certification where
even you can become a CERTIFIED FRIER (friar)."


  HELLO WAWAH, HELLO BABAH (WW) -- "The Wa Wa Food Store chain named for
the town of Wa Wa near Philadelphia has sued a store called Ha Ha claiming
Ha Ha infringes on Wa Wa's trademark.
  "Wa Wa has considered that their customers might be confused into
thinking that Ha Ha is associated with Wa Wa, but the judge said that
Ta Ta to Wa Wa claiming that the whole case was a bunch of CA CA."


  WE COME FROM FRANCE (WW) -- "Strange doings off the coast of France.
  "There's been an alarming dive in the sea enenamy population in the
Mediterrarean.
  "French marine biologists are hard pressed to uncover the cause of the
demise of millions of tentacled creatures, but the French population isn't
a bit concerened.
  "One observer commented that with France like that, who needs
enenemies?"

  FIRE AT WILL!

Demented News: 2/2/97 (KSCA 1/12/97)

  a rerun

Demented News: 2/9/97 (KSCA 1/19/97)

  GO TO HECK-O (WW) -- "In the friendly town of Kingsville, Texas, 'Hello'
is wearing out its welcome.
  "And Lionzo Canales is as happy as heck, and is urging the county
commissioners to unanimously designate 'heaven-o' as the county's official
greeting.
  "The reason?  Hello contains the world 'hell'.
  "The 56-year-old Canales who owns the Kingsville Flea Market says the
new salutation is a symbol of peace, friendship and welcome in this age of
anxiety.
  "Courthouse employees have already begun answering the phone 'heaveno',
that's HEAVEN-OH.  What do you say we push this Canales dude right over
the edge and fly him in a HELL-icopter to HELL-sinke who grew up with
a girl named HELL-en, then he'd really need HELL-p.  Right?
  "Canales says his next target is Saint Nick, cause of that demonic Santa
Anagram."

  Church lady.  Could it be ...

  SATAN?

  Hey, Canales, try some of THIS!!!

  Oops, that's an anagram in this.


  CELERY OF THE CENTURY (WW) -- "In other news, soccer spectators of the
second divison Gilliam club in England have been told that they will be
banned from the stands for life if they are caught with celery.
  "Apparently, the celery is a prop for a popular fan song and is thrown
in the air when a particular lyric is reached.
  "The club safety officer reported they had incidents over a number of
matches.  Well, the crowd sang the song and then threw the celery in the
air.
  "And the goalkeeper was hit by some of the tossed veggies.
  "The whole situation took on a more serious note, however, when police
responded on charges that ... FANS HAVE BEEN STALKING THE PLAYERS."


  SCREWY STUDIES (WW) -- "A Naples Italy study of high school juniors
reveals that 53 percent think that the sun is an inhabited planet.
  "The study also shows that 31 percent believe that there is a Santa
Claus, but he only visits the homes of very rich people.
  "41 percent believe World War II was fought between France and London.
  "And 38 percent think Adolf Hitler is a kind of German food.
  "In a related story, dementoid Art Schock of Los Angeles e-mailed me
with more scholastic statistics.
  "A graduate student with a science degree asks why does it work, a
graduate student with an engineering degree asks how does it work, a
graduate student with an accounting degree asks how much will it cost,
and a graduate student with a liberal arts degree asks ... YOU WANT FRIES
WITH THAT?"



Demented News: 2/16/97 (KSCA 1/26/97)

  HENHOUSE FIVE PLUS DOO DOO (WW) -- "News from Dublin, Ireland..."

  [Uh, will, isn't that the city where inflation is annually 100%?  This
may be why their prices are always...DUBLIN]

  "...farmer James Gonheehee got his dander up when his 62 pound block
of frozen sewage fell from the sky and crashed through the roof of his
henhouse, killing 34 prized laying hens.
  "Engineers at Shannen Airport told him the mistled form of waste
from a leaky airplane toilet froze while plummeting to earth and right
into the henhouse.
  "Perhaps our defense department should investigate the possibilities
of frozen sewage blocks as projectiles.
  "Sure, it's a less expensive kind of...ICY B.M."

  (RIMSHOT)

  FIRE AT WILL!


  THE BEAR NECESSITIES (WW) -- "But a life can be a real bear, downright
grizzly especially if you're a bear.
  "Veterareans at the Calgary Zoo announced they prescribed prozac for a
chronically depressed polar bear, then is taken to neurotically pacing
back and forth in their cave.
  "The Bear named Snowball was treated with the mood altering drug for
this winter which resulted in a dramatic reduction of the pacing.
  "The zoo is also using what it terms environmentan enrichment to help
the animan cope with its problem.
  "Snowball is fed fishsicles, fish frozen in boxed ice, so she has to
work for her food as her species must do in the wild.
  "Now I'm glad that Snowball is feeling better, I'm a little leary, no
pun intended, about anti-depressants spreading throughout the wild
kingdom.
  "In fact, I can almost hear it now..."

  SMOKEY THE BEAR SAYS...only you can prevent forest fires, but then,
it doesn't matter, fire is pretty.  Look at all the pretty colors.
  Beavis: "Yeah, Yeah! Fire! Fire! Fire!"


  MUPPET FM (WW) -- "Here's one of those bizarre stories that's too freaky
to fabricate.
  "A 21-year-old man took a radio station manager hostage and barracaded
himself inside the studio because he wanted to hear the song "Rainbow
Connection" by Muppet Kermit the Frog.
  "The incident took place in the Star FM broadcasting station in New
Zealand.  The intruder claimed to have a bomb and demanded that the
song be played.
  "Well, the guy was arrested and it turned out he had no bomb.
  "But I think this whole deal was an inside Muppet job, I mean the dude
was obviously...GONZO."


Demented News: 2/23/97 (KSCA 2/2/97)

   The best of compilations.


Demented News from March 2nd on...

   If anyone wishes to help, please e-mail me so I can share them with the
other folks.


Demented News: 3/9/97

   Please see 3/9/97 Dr. D report for synopsis.  I'm too lazy to repost.


Demented News: 3/16/97

  MICHAEL JACKSON TALKS TO WHIMSICAL WILL...
  Will: "Michael, I hear that you consider yourself the world's biggest fan
of the Demented News."
  MJ: "That is so stupid.  That is the most ridiculous most horrifying story
I ever heard."
  Will: "But you do want to buy a copy of the Demented News 20-hour retro-
spective, don't you?"
  MJ: "I must feel that my life isn't complete if I do not."

  Michael Jackson then talks to the animals.


  SHOW ME THE MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY---MONEY (WW) -- "Our late breaking
story on President Clinton's government spending cuts.
  "We no longer want to spend $100,000,000 a year studying the running
speed of ketchup.  Mr. Owl's salary is 2 1/2 million dollars and he still
can't determine the number of licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
  "My favorite project would be shortly completed after spending a billion
dollars of taxpayer money.
  "The only new funding approved has been allocated a trillion dollars to
determine why so much money is spent...on ridiculous government research
projects."


  TAKE THIS SHOVEL OF POOP AND SHOVE IT (WW) -- "News about turmoil at
Manure Manor is in the news from Pungeot Point.
  "It seems that the manure farmers are on strike over a disagreement with
their employer.
  "They're arguing over the clause in their job description that states they
must remain...ON DUTY at all times."

  [Will, was that their #2 problem?]


  From 1/29/95...
  BEATLES (WW) -- The new CD package "Beatles Live at the BBC" spawns a
monster! 
  Now Lowercase Records is releasing a CD of Beatles remasters.
  An intimate collection of fab four songs called "Beatles Live in their
BVDs"!
  The engineers at Lowercase Records had a little problem with the tracks;
they pushed the wrong button and accidentally erased the drum tracks on
three classic Beatle songs. 
  The way the story goes, Lowercase Records called Ringo Starr into the
studio to get him to duplicate the drum tracks.  According to rumors, Ringo
was really upset with the whole situation and he charged Lowercase Records
with a recording session of $100-per-beat which the record company willingly
paid after erasing those classic drum tracks, they expected there to be some
...  repercussion.




Demented News: 3/23/97


  CLONE HEADS (WW) -- "Cloning in the news has everyone steamed in the
bunch!
  "Although we are being reassured the current experiment with sheep will
not be applied to humans.
  "We'll we've learned from past cloning experiments the procedure is
risky business.
  "And that any human clones developed mutated from with their most common
affliction: Tourette's syndrome.
  "I recall the incident of one foul-mouthed clone tossed over the cliff
to meet his tragic demise.  The test indicated that he was charged with
MAKING AN OBSCENE CLONE FALL!"


  STAR MORES (WW) -- "As the American public has gotten obscessed with
Star Wars again, many of you have been inquiring how our own Musical Mike
figures into the Lucas film triology.
  "We all discussed this once before, we all know that one of Mike's
demented talents is playing hand music on some of "Weird Al" Yankovic's
big hits.
  "But fewer of you are aware that Musical Mike actually got his big
break in the movie Star Wars!
  "Sure, who could forget his ... HANDS SOLO?"


  SPRING THIS (WW) -- "Spring Break is upon us!
  "And you know what that means, right?
  "It's time to head to the local amusement park to take our annual ride
on my favorite roller coaster...

  Ad parody: "You say, roller coasters bore you to tears? While everyone is
screaming, you're yawining? Well, I have just the ticket for you.
  "New at Tragic Mountain, it's Armageddon! The last roller coaster you'll
ever ride! 
  "Corkscrews are for sissies. Experience the Armageddon can opener which
slices your train into scrap! 
  "Get caught in the exilirating Hamster Wheel From Hell and go round and
round in billions of continuous 370-degree loops! (He really said 370!)
  "Avoid the tricky collapsing track, which sends your soul to rolling into
the lava pits below!
  "Take a thrilling detour in through the Q area, squashing and
dismembering guests arrived.
  "The exciting flybacks unfolds as you approach the station, just as
it's hit by 50,000 one-megaton hydrogen bombs!
  "The Armageddon! New at Tragic Mountain! It's not just a ride, it's the
end of the world.
  "Note: Due to the sucidal nature of the attraction, expectant mothers or
persons with an ounce of intelligence should not ride." 


Demented News 3/30/97

  Please send it in.



Demented News Missing on various dates...

   If anyone wishes to help, please e-mail me so I can share them with the
other folks.