Demented News 4/6/97

PICK YOUR NOISE (WW) -- "Well, rock and roll may not be noise pollution but it looks like old Barry Manilow hits sure are.
"Yes they hate the songs that make the whole world sing!
"Maybe it's because the whole world seems to be singing it...and BADLY!
"Noise pollution inspectors went undercover after residents of London have complained of Karoke singers of the local pubs sang Barry Manilow's oldie 'I Write The Songs' again and again and again.
"They put up with the karoke evenings at the Gate Keeper Pub that began last year, but they called in the law and local health inspectors when 'I Write the Songs' became virtually the only song the aspiring Manilow singers would sing.
"According to Steven Hardcourse, a fearless health inspector who staked out the pub for three nights 'the song was a particularily tuneless rendition.'
"Well the Hardcourse team ruled that the noise level was unacceptable, and the local counsel revoked the pub's operating license.
"We here at the Demented News have installed our own local hidden micro- phone for the 'I Write the Songs' karoke pub,

Will played a grunge version of the song.

Thanks to dementoid Ghastly Gary in Flint, Michigan for the tip on this story and the Barry Manilow requests that keep pouring in. There's a more significant difference between requests FOR Barry Manilow and requests TO BURY Manilow.

TICKLE ME, RANSOM (WW) -- "Demented News from Springfield, Missouri...
"A man armed with a beer bottle abducted a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo doll as ranson.
"Apparently, these little buggers are all the rage. Anyway, the suspect picked up the cat from the front yard and banged on the door of the house. The cat's owner opened the door and was shocked to see her kitten held hostage for an Elmo doll. He told him he don't have his doll, he was so upset he was terrified.
"But the man took the cat to his car and yelled 'if you want your cat, give me Elmo!'
"No further developments on this case, except to say that any crime involved with a Sesame Street character is particularily serious, even though it may be a lower case when your number's up, be prepared for capital punishment!
"Guess that's where the Electric Company comes in." (note to the post- boomers: this was an old PBS show that supposedly taught children how to read with Bill Cosby and others.)

TICKLE ME ELMO: "He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..."

KAPOW!!!!!!!!

Demented News 4/13/97

DEMENTED MUUUUUSIC (WW) -- "Alright all you party animals out there, hey, you got any hot concert tickets?
"Mick Jagger's plans for a double bill with Bruce Springsteen have fallen through...they're citing creative differences, like they say, a Rolling Stone gathers no BOSS.
"Meanwhile, Keith Richards is set to perform with Roger McGuinn and David Crosby. Concert promoters call it BILLING TWO BYRDS WITH ONE STONE.
"The double bill of the hour...U2 with the B-52s was cancelled after only two performances...the show was A BOMB, right?
"And we're all hoping that Weird Al Yankovic will head back on tour...his last concert performance left everyone committing RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS and SENSELESS COURTESY...Dementologists are calling the phoenonom a classic case of WEIRD AL TRUISM!
"Speaking of classic cases, be on the lookout for one of today's top vocal quartets touring with the Dementia Symphony...yes, new jack meets old bill in BOYZ II MENDELSON!

OTHER RANDOM LOONEY NEWS (WW) -- "Watch for revealing TV miniseries on the life of Napoleon...it's an account of the French Emperor, we even learn about his eating habits...for example, do you know what Napoleon's favorite part of a chicken is?...the BONY PART (Bonaparte), of course!
"Then there's a wildly entertaining history on ice headed for your local chalet...spotlighting the social stratification system of India!...and featuring the original CASTS!...otherwise, it would be FEUDAL, right?

THE TAXMAN FROM HELL RETURNS (WW) -- "So how are ya coming on your tax return?
"That's right. Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow, right?
"So, by underwhelming demand, here's a little tax rap to totally confuse you...
"Enter the number of dependents that you claim on line 2, when exemptions match deductions be sure to write in blue, divide your total income by twice your area code, and multiply your street address by the time your car's been towed, if line 7's less than 4 but more than half as much against, subtract the dimples on a golf ball by the square root of 10, then add the barometric pressure to the year that you were born, and tune in next time kids and well discuss the long form.
"And did you hear about the prostitute who owes $100,000 in back taxes? I could only imagine what her front owes, right?"

Well I'm Whimsical Will and that's your taxing Demented News.

Demented News 4/20/97

HALLL-BOPP (WW) -- "More revelations over the last leg of the comet Hale-Bopp's world tour.
"Did you get a chance to see the comet? Did it look like Santa Claus? Well, there's no cause for alarm. Popsical Phil has been on Hale-Bopp's trail."
Phil reported that he has dust bunnies under his stove. He never saw any sign of the comet, but saw plenty of Ajax. (RIMSHOT) As for spotting the comet, Phil suggested that it'd be easier to spot Rudolph on account of his shiny nose.

SUDDENLY SUED II (WW) -- "OK, so you know how I feel about frivilous lawsuits, right?
"I guess we discussed this before. And now word has come my way that New York inmates are clogging the legal system with ridiculous lawsuits.
"These are inmates, mind you. The NY Attorney General said that 7,700 lawsuits were filed last year alone. He said his office is committed to putting an end of this stupid nonsense.
"Among the lawsuits: a convicted murderer is suing over secondhand smoking in his jail cell which he claims caused him medical problems. He is also a smoker.
"Another cellmate is suing his jail for $10,000 because of his favorite washing machine broke and he claims he has a constitutional right to wash his clothes.
"A burglar is suing for $100,000 because he lost one pound when he was made to eat a vegetable diet while incarcerated.
"Another burglar is suing for $98-billion-trillion because guards beat up his jacket which he was not wearing at the time.
"Wait a minute...if his jacket was ruined, you'd have a PARTIAL SUIT, right?
"And this lawsuit just into this Demented Newsdesk...
"A woman plans to sue an alligator which she claims to cause her daughter a trauma during an attack. Sounds like a CROCK to me."

Demented News 4/27/97

FIRE TIME (WW) -- "A fire broke out at the Tick Tock Clock shop and overwhelmed New Mexico.
"Well there were no serious injuries, except whent the grandfather clock struck one!
"And several customers from the clock shop were treated for SECOND HAND from the SMOKE!
"Talk about your GREATER ALARM FIRE."

EX-LAX, DON'T DO IT (WW) -- "News from Seattle...after cashing a refund check for $98,002 that was mistakenly sent to him in 1993 by the makers of Ex-Lax, he took the cash and disappearred.
"I guess you could call it TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN.
"After months, police finally captured the fugitive.
"Four years ago, he asked for a $1.99 refund by mail from the makers of Ex-Lax, but instead received a check in the amount of his postal Zip Code, 98002.
"Stroller's identity was discovered last month when he was arrested for stealing a pack of cigarettes. Obviously, he spent his windfall. Ex-Lax money or no, it claims to be REGULAR guy, it looks like he'll get first hand experience with the DOO process.
"There was a contest sponsored by the laxative company. Will was in it. And he made it all the way to the ELIMINATION.

DEDUCT MY BOOBIES (WW) -- "In one of the biggest busts of all time, comes the story of exotic dancer Cynthia Hess, also known as Chesty Love.
"She won her case against the Internal Revenue Service and was able to deduct appreciation on her 56-inch double-S breast implants.
"A female tax court judge ruled that 'surgery had contorted Hess's body into a grotesque appearance,' and has the deduction matches her own weight of inflation, I guess she'll be singing "THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES" in no time."

FLASH (WW) -- "A tragic accident had occurred when a half-a-ton of fresh baked pies smashed to the ground after plunging off a 300-foot high cliff.
"It turns out they were LENING-MARANG."

Demented News 5/4/97

SCHOOL DAZE (WW) -- "Eggheads of famed MIT University are working on on what may be the greatest learning tool since the blackboard.
"Up close, the invention is electric underpants that regulate body temperature. That's right, there's a connection between undergarments and exam scores.
"It works like this: the thermostat is set to the temperature which the student is most comfortable, something in the undies lining relays infor- mation back to a central computer that adjusts the level of warmth to keep the wearer comfy.
"The technology is in its infancy, and demonstrates there is a link between physical comfort and mental alertness.
"You'd know, I'd be nervous about wearing electric underwear to take a test...I'd be worried about passing, especially if I rank #1 or #2 in the class and I might short out my shorts! I'd be more smarty pants in more ways than one!"

YOU CAN FLY YOU CAN FLY (WW) -- "Aaron Beckerson of Rhode Island paid over $150,000 for a ten hour lesson to learn how to fly like a bird by using only his arms.
"His first flight was a disaster, jumping from an 18-foot high platform, Beckerson broke his arm, wrist and knee cap, and now he's suing his teacher for $1.6 million!
"I'll know he'll lose his case, after all, he told his flight instructor: MAKE ME SOAR!"

THE DEMENTED WEB (WW) -- "I know I mentioned a few times, I'm totally addicted to the internet. I'd like to take this opportunity to acknowledge extraordinary dementoid David Tanny of California who maintains online Demented News transcripts at his web site, and Jeff Morris of Indiana who's Demento Home Page features indespensible search engine of Dr. Demento Show playlists. A great job, gentlemen!
"If you haven't found their web sites, go to your favorite search engine and type DEMENTO, and of course there's always rec.music.dementia newsgroup, and if you dig deeply enough, you just might find my e-mail address, but remember...I DON'T LIKE SPAM!"

Demented News 5/11/97

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD (WW) -- "After spending the last 60 years in the foothills of Mt. Everest waiting for the world to end, hermit Michael Burns has given up and returned to civilization.
"This New Zealand native made headlines back in 1937 when he blamed that a massive flood was imminent. He declared that only those who believed in refuge on the world's tallest mountain was to survive.
"Obviously, I made a stupid mistake, said the poignty 86-year-old Burns.
"He admits to have wasted his life and vowed to spend his remaining days with his family, but in what may be a sobering setback in a bad case of unfortunate timing, Burns returned home just in time for a radio drama rebroadcast of...WAR OF THE WORLDS!

HOW SWEET TO BE AN IDIOT (WW) -- "A controversal group of California attorneys and educators wants to honor people with a low I-Q by giving them their own state-funded society.
"The coalition claims that our culture damages the self-esteem of serene willy disabled people by placing too much importance on high intelligence.
"According to teacher and political activist Jr. Cradman, at least 16% of our nation's population is "differently intellect".
"And so Cradman and his coalition are asking California's state legis- latives to allot $5 million to fund national headquarters and annual conventions.
"They already have headquarters, by they're empty!
"And the opposition of the organization called something like Mensa is fighting for the superintelligence.
"Of course, we all feel that the intelectially inhibited deserve their own haven, if only to protect them from themselves.
"I mean, these are people who cannot even hold down a proof-reading job in an M 'n M factory. They get fired for throwing away the W's.
"And these are the people who can't make ice cubes if they forget the recipe.
"We're talking about people who screw in a lightbulb and get dizzy from spinning the ladder around.
"They play solitare hide and seek, and LOSE!
"They go into the 99-cent store and ask for a price check" [Ed. I went to one such store and they had more $1.29 items than 99-cent items]
"Now you know see why I never tried stand-up."

Demented News 5/18/97

THIS JUST IN (WW) -- "Scientists have discovered that humans under their own power can move 140 miles per hour! Yea, but, only for about six inches!"

COPYCAT CORNER (WW) -- "It's time for another visit to the Copycat Corner for a little game called Introduction Junction where we put song intros together and see what comes out."
"Crazy Jay of Anaheim combined the intro of Bob Dylan's Rainy Day Women and it led to Napoleon XIV's They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!
"And Crazy Jay sez try The Beatles song Get Back and it led to The Holy Modal Rounders classic Boobs-A-Lot!
"David Tanny of San Diego reminds us of the Air Supply/Ogden Edsl connection, where the first group's song I'm All Out Of Love melded with Dead Puppies; now Tim Simmons of Garden Grove was surprised to hear this similarity with the theme of I Love Lucy melding with the B-52's Rock Lobster!"

Aunt Mimi sings the praises of R-O-L-A-I-D-S

NEWS BULLETIN! (WW) -- "This fast breaking story of world hunger (get it?)...A number of cities and nations have joined forces to feed the world.
"The international ingredient for the crusade? Turkey, Chile, Hamburg, and the Sandwich Isles.
"The first country to be fed by this coalition? Hungary!"

Demented News 5/25/97

ELVIS IS STILL IN THE BUILDING (WW) -- "There's one building that Elvis just doesn't wanna leave.
"It seems that the King has possessed the TV remote control in a house in Memphis, TN.
"According to Phyllis Callis, whenever she watches TV, the channel starts changing to football games by itself and doors slam and toilets are flushed...
"It makes sense, because whenever that stuff happens around my house, right away, it's gotta be Elvis.
"Well, there's also a stain at the patio door, which some say is the spittin' image of Elvis.
"There's some justification for Callis's wacky claim.
"It seems that the house was originally owned by Elvis in back?? of his Graceland estate.
"A group of psychics performed an emergency scan over the property. They conclude that Elvis does visit quite often, and it was also suggested that the stain on the door was the result of the King walking in a few too many.
"There have been quite a few Elvis sightings since Memorial Day weekend.
"It's a good thing I had my tape recorder rolling as a large crowd gathered to witness what scientists can't explain.
"All eyes were fixed to the sky as there's definitely something up there!
"Wait, that is Elvis!
"Elvis has landed!"
Will interviewed Elvis Presley.
What did Elvis say to the impersonators out there, Will asked? Elvis sang "you ain't pulled a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine."
What about Elvis's postage stamp, Will asked. Elvis felt about that with "Return to Sender."
"Uh-oh, Elvis is taking off again!
"Elvis might return in Macy's Thanksgiving Parade!"

Demented News 6/1/97

BOND, MALE BOND...ING (WW) -- "James Bond fans, rejoice! A new 007 adventure is in the works since the story of intrigue and espionage at the Post Office.
"Details are still sketchy, but I'm sure it will have something to do with ... MALE BONDING."

SUBPHOENIA ENVY (WW) -- "A few weeks ago, I told you about the friction between Duran Duran and Duraband waistband. Now, we caught wind of a real lawsuit, this one between underwear manufacturers Munsingware (???) and Jockey International.
"Munsing filed legal briefs against Jockey claiming infringement with trademark horizontal fly design.
"Really, suing over a fly design? Must be a violation of the ... PENAL CODE."

DAWN OF THE LONG MOVIE TITLE (WW) -- "The movie with the world's longest title is filming in the midwest."
"And it's called...something like Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of Evil Hellbound Zombie Five-Foot Eating Humanoid Livind Dead Part Four or something like that.
"How about a double feature ... Revenge of Marti Man. Would that be starring Marti Mark?"

SANDY EGGO, CALIFORNIA (WW) -- "In other news, it has come to our attention that we been giving you wrong information about the videogame-turned-TV show Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.
"The premise is NOT the pursuit about a globe-trotting girl, but a waffle on the beach!
"You know, Where in the World is Carmen's Sandy Eggo?"

LUIGI BORED WITH BROTHER (WW) -- "In other videogame news, Luigi, the other half of the Mario Brothers duo said 'game over' to his brother last week and wants to pursue a solo career.
"In a formal statement to the press, Luigi announced that he's tired of playing second banana to Mario, a big headed brother and an oversized ape. We could have easily been called the Luigi Brothers.
"Anyway, Luigi's first solo endeavor will be a videogame version of that clairvoyant classic...THE LUIGI BOARD."

Demented News 6/8/97

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Demented News 6/15/97

NONE THIS WEEK

Demented News 6/22/97

COW PATTY CAKES (WW) -- "Everyone in the small rural town of Millington, Michigan, is chipping in to help raise money to build a community center, even the cows!
"Three local cows will do their business, literally, and the organizers are calling it the Cow Patty Picnic.
"A portion of Jack and Pat Meckinicky Farm will be divided into three-foot numbered squares, and for $5 dollars, a picnic goer can buy a ticket for a number corresponding to a square.
"The cows will wander out to pasture, and if one of the cows does its doody in your square, you get the prize money.
"Well, I can't poo-poo the folks at Millington for making DOO with such a genius fundraiser, but the whole thing sounds like a CRAP shoot to me."
Thanks to Ghastly Gary of Flint, Michigan, for the SCOOP on that one!

LASAGNA OR YOUR LIFE (WW) -- "In other news, a Pittsburgh man tosses his wife lasagna for dinner, but instead, he made spaghetti, and she was none too happy for the change in menu.
"What was supposed to have been a nice family dinner, it turned into an ugly dispute when Michael Sabatowick opted for the easier-to-make spaghetti.
"According to an officer on the scene, the wife called her husband lazy, and he called her a fat pig.
"This turned literally into a spaghetti western, firing shots at her husband. Did she actually want her husband dead for fixing spaghetti instead of lasagna? Well, I tell ya, I wouldn't put it PASTA."

SERVICE IN YOUR FACE (WW) -- "In other demented dining news, this is a story about Barbara Hallway.
"She's suing a Denver McDonalds restaurant for an UNHAPPY MEAL, claiming that one of the employees hurled a cheeseburger in her face when she complained about her order.
"It seems she ordered a plain hamburger, and not the cheeseburger she was served.
"Now she's so upsst that she's suing and claiming she was traumatized and lost a filling in her tooth when confronting the employees.
"Well, if this case does make it to trial, I hope Mrs. Hallway doesn't have a wigged-out flashback when the judge asks for a ... ORDER IN THE COURT."

Demented News 6/29/97

NAKED GAMES (WW) -- "And so, with summer vacation in full swing, reports are coming in to the Demented Newsroom proving that those final days of school were particularily liberating.
"In Iowa, one student was arrested during the annual naked soccer game at Luther college in celebrating the end of final exams.
"School officials requested that prescence of police officers videotaped the event and used the tape to identify students of issued citations.
"Of the 200 students who participated, more than 30 were naked wearing only underwear.
"One 22-year-old student was arrested when he grabbed the police officer taping the event. He was charged with interference, assault, and his English instructor lowered his final grade for a ... FLAGRANT DISPLAY OF DANGLING PARTICIPLES!"

NUDES FLASH 1997 (WW) -- "In other NUDE commencement excercises, a real NEWS FLASH, Jamie Heinz, 18, flashed the audience at Onsonio Ohio High School during the graduation ceremony.
"According to Jessie Green, assistant county prosecutor, after Heinz received his diploma, he raised his gown, and depending on where you were sitting in the auditorium, you got a northern or a southern exposure.
"Heinz was sentenced to two days in jail, fined $100, and has to served 100 hours of community service. Undoubtedly for the SAY NO TO CRACK campaign. He is the same student who dared to bare all in machine shop, and when he backed into the drill press, he got a little BEHIND in his school work!"

LASER 45 SHOW (WW) -- "OK all you vinyl junkies, it's a call to tone arms with a tip on the new 45 single with a surprising and unintentional multi-media experience.
"Well, it was Dr. Demento who made this demented discovery. He reminds us that on certain phonograph records of rhythmic music, waves of light can be seen moving either toward the center or toward the edge of the record. On a 45 RPM record, this phoenenom occurs whenever the tempo of the song is close to 45 beats per minute, which is 90, 135, 180, etc.
"Now, if you play the 45 of Your Woman, a current Top 40 hit by the group Whitetown, you'll notice that it's one of the few records in which waves can be seen moving in both directions at the same time, toward the inside and outside of the disc crossing one another!
"I suppose an even more impressive trick is actually finding a store that carries 45s.
"What struck me about the Whitetown song was its similarity of The Imperial March from the Star Wars movies. Listen to the horns on Star Wars and the violins on WhiteTown and hear for yourself!
"Now, when I play and watch the 45, I can pretend that one of the waves is Darth Vader's tie fighter and the other is Luke Skywalker's, and when the waves cross, STAR WARS BATTLE,..ahem,...or not.

Demented News Missing on various dates...