Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, hoping that your new year isn't a torture-filled living hell, and that you finally decide to do something worthwhile with your miserable, wretched lives. Thank you.

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, and I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year. And to all my Japanese friends, feliz navidad!

Hi, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic, wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas. And now, here's a cheery little number I wrote about death, destruction, and the end of the world, called "Christmas At Ground Zero".

Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic. You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime. I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day. Mom would be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tunafish burritos for our big Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam. And then, the big day would finally arrive. I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa, a-and when he finally showed up, we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us everything we wanted! Ah, yeah, those were the days. Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch.